Please don't get me wrong here. I loved the fuck out of my daughter, I really did - she was unexpected and I had one of those 'didn't know I was pregnant until it was too late' pregnancies, because I have loose skin from weight loss and I'm pretty sick as it is. I was always STAUNCHLY childfree and still am, I guess? (I was 18 at the time, I'm 23 now) but me and my OH at the time lost her in a freak accident. Don't wanna go into it, don't wanna reveal details - it was nobody's fault. I wasn't with her at the time.
I think I was a good mum? I don't know really. I never knew how to interact with children before and wasn't very good at playing with her, but I did love her more than any other person in my life. I don't want anybody to assume I don't in what I say next because I was absolutely devastated - I lost the one innocent, pure thing I'd made with my own body and my own body had been through a hell of a lot as it was and had never served me well, but it did manage to make something beautiful, even if I detested the entire notion and experience of pregnancy.
But I'm almost relieved? After a year of grieving, I'm coming to terms with things and not having her in my life, although I'm still completely messed up from it and I feel like I'm missing half of a thousand piece jigsaw, I...never wanted children. I ADORED her, this tiny person I made, and I never wanted to make her feel unwanted when she grew up, and I never would have done, nor would I have resented her for something that wasn't her fault but I'm starting to realise I can do the things I thought I couldn't do as a mother who would have to make a life for a kid (after never having a job because of aforementioned illness) and then not having time for anything I enjoyed because my OH (at the time, we've split) was working himself to the bone to try and provide for both of us so I had to do everything in the house because he would have to leave home at 7, come back at 3 and then go work whatever odd jobs he'd managed to find. I never wanted to be a housewife and I resented that, because I hate everything about it and I hated that I had to be the person taking care of her because I simply couldn't handle working, but I kind of think working might have been easier at this point.
I digress though. Am I awful for being glad in some respects I don't have to be a mum even though I'm devastated about missing out on her life?
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...to almost be relieved?
29 replies
Majora · 06/07/2017 08:34
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