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Will I regret missing this?

(164 Posts)
Channellingmyinnerfeline Wed 05-Jul-17 11:00:55

DD is pushing me to my limits of tolerance. Everything I do is taken for granted, often criticised or complains I don't do xyz rather than grateful for what I do do. She needs asking / reminding every day to do her simple house jobs although she'll admit at any other time she has an excellent memory. She'll do the bare minimum at everything responsible (helping at home, school work etc) but indulges herself at every opportunity to play & watch TV & soak in the bath while the rest of us dip in / out quickly as we've things to do. When I pull her up on anything, she sees it that 1. I'm being unfair on her; 2. her life isn't as fun as it should be; 3. nothing goes her way & she wishes she wasn't born. DD is yr3.

She has had a lot of crap in her life (father walked out when she was toddling & has paid no interest in her since, I have no family support so physically have no spare time to spend with just her due to other DD around, our house has major issues so friends over is a no go at the mo). I feel guilty like yes this isn't the life I wanted for her & it breaks my heart to see her growing in this situation, but given all I have on my plate I feel I am doing OK & raising them on a much better path than many with the things she's missing. However ultimately I feel guilty & perhaps over compensate for her negativity by tolerating too much & revolving around her too much to try to avoid it happening. This is becoming draining (emotionally & physically) and unfair on my other DD who I worry may feel 'less important' if things don't equally revolve around her, which would be impossible & where would I fit in with my feelings..?

Anyway this morning after another morning of nagging her to get up, doing her jobs for her (laying table, laying out school bags, topping up cats bowl, letting cat out) as she was down late again, she proceeded to eat breakfast secondary to chatting constantly, brought a toy to the table while we were eating (this is banned), decided to soak in the bath for the 5 mins I thought she was washing herself cos 'I need to relax', went off to play barbies rather than get dressed after her bath, shouted at me for 1. not tying her dress straps when she asked (I was doing my makeup) and 2. something else trivial I can't even remember as I was doing her hair... at this point I'd had enough & told her I'd had enough.

I told her it is unlikely I will attend her class assembly this aft. I know she didn't believe me cos I have never missed anything they do at school & she thinks it's said for effect.

It was a bit but partly cos I'm worried I'll regret not going. I also have split feelings while it could finally register to pay attention, stop ignoring me & taking me for granted... it could also send her the other way confirming (in her mind) no one cares and her life is sh!t.

I obvs do care. I feel I can't go on with life revolving around 1 member of this family. She has no idea how demanding she is (I'm confident in that) and under all the bravado can be quite fragile due to ppl abandoning her. I would never abandon her, but I am actually thinking not going to the assembly might be a good thing, or might be cause more harm than good.

I can't go on as we are. WWYD?

OhTheRoses Wed 05-Jul-17 11:08:50

How old is she.

daisychainagain Wed 05-Jul-17 11:09:04

Whilst reading this I imagined your dad was in her 20s then I saw she is year 3 so only about 7 or 8?
I really feel for her. You should go to her assembly. Imagine how sad she would be looking for you and not spotting you when everyone else's mum or dad is there.
Maybe have a reward chart for her behaviour etc.
It sounds like she just wants attention poor little poppet.

MrsEricBana Wed 05-Jul-17 11:10:30

I agree that sounds very very wearing for you. The things that jump out at me here are that she's had a rough time (no dad around, a lot of your attention on other dd and no friends around due to house issues etc) and she is only eight. It sounds like you really need a break. If it were me I'd not go to her assembly on this occasion (to give myself a breather, not to punish her) and try and cut her a bit of slack generally under all the above circumstances. (She's 8 - I thought you were going to say she's 15). I really hope things improve for you.

MrsEricBana Wed 05-Jul-17 11:12:27

Yes true what daisychain said about her looking for you, and it's also true that the one assembly they remember is the one you couldn't go to, not all the others you did go to.

ImperialBlether Wed 05-Jul-17 11:13:58

I really wouldn't miss the assembly. I think it will make her more insecure.

Justhadmyhaircut Wed 05-Jul-17 11:17:10

She isn't indulging herself. She is being a child.
Start treating them both the same.
Whats stopping friends coming over? Kids don't see mess /half done diy/etc. .
Start enjoying your dc as you sound like they are an inconvenience tbh. .

Namechangetempissue Wed 05-Jul-17 11:19:31

She is only year three! I think you are expecting quite a lot from her (both emotionally and physically) to be honest.
Go to her assembly. It is important to her.

Hiphopopotamus Wed 05-Jul-17 11:20:43

This is bizarre. She's year 3, so what - 7 or 8? She's just being a normal kid!

Changesorter Wed 05-Jul-17 11:21:12

Hang on? Year 3?? or do you mean year 9- Third year of secondary??

If she's a 7/8 yr old then you're definitely BU?? You're acting like she's 15 or something!! Punishing her by not going to her assembly is not a consequence for her behaviour. She needs clear boundaries and Mum who lightens up a bit if thats the case

feathermucker Wed 05-Jul-17 11:24:03

Of course you should go to her assembly!

Set in place other measures; consequences etc for her messing about and not listening etc, but missing a school assembly is, sorry to say, a rubbish way of dealing with your frustration!

Channellingmyinnerfeline Wed 05-Jul-17 11:25:51

Yes I agree I need a break. I literally haven't had a night off in 6-7 yrs. But it is impossible as my family are a reasonable distance away, my sisters are no help they have only ever wanted to dip into ours lives when it suits themselves not to help us, and never to babysit (tho I wouldn't leave my children with them either on things I've seen, plus my children don't want to be left with them so I'd not enjoy any time as I know they'd not be happy) & my mum has said from day 1 of being a grandma she will not mind my children overnight. That didn't change when I became a lone parent in dreadful circumstances. They are all out for themselves & only bother with us (my children) when they (the adults) choose. My mum chose not to see us the last 2 xmases in favour of doing xmas with my sisters to which we were not invited as it complicated their plans as we'd have to travel over & I needed some structure to the day! Invites for them to visit us on Xmas day were declined without explanation. I now have taken a step back from those relationships for my (our) emotional wellbeing as they were not healthy relationships imo. But yes part of my perception is that I am chronically exhausted which makes judgements less clinical & more emotional which isn't always best with kids.

I might go but sit at the back. I have only ever been front row at every thing she's been at! So that might send a message but compromise on the event.

MrsOverTheRoad Wed 05-Jul-17 11:25:53

You sound horrendous OP!

she'll do the bare minimum at everything responsible (helping at home, school work etc) but indulges herself at every opportunity to play & watch TV & soak in the bath while the rest of us dip in / out quickly as we've things to do.

Indulges herself!!! She's in year THREE!

She's 7 or 8....of course she bloody indulges herself!!

Get yourself some councelling or something.

MrsOverTheRoad Wed 05-Jul-17 11:26:43

You're still bloody talking about yourself! You've not acknowledged that everyone says you're too harsh!

Floggingmolly Wed 05-Jul-17 11:30:12

Year 3!! She shouldn't have to spend the mornings before school "doing her jobs"!! Bloody hell. And then you're contemplating being spiteful enough to miss her assembly as a punishment for her having a bloody bath?

hellomarshmallow Wed 05-Jul-17 11:32:16

Oh this is so sad. She's enjoying her childhood, not indulging herself. Go to the assembly! Withdrawing attention and yourself is not the way forward for you. It will make things worse.

Most girls that age are demanding. Mine are older and still the same. Change your expectations: it's hard work, but it's worthwhile work.

ItsAHardKn0ckLife Wed 05-Jul-17 11:33:57

You sound awful shock

blueskyinmarch Wed 05-Jul-17 11:34:01

She sounds like an utterly normal 7/8 year old and it is possibly you who has far to high expectations of her. What age is your other child? You need to chill with all the rules and just let her be a child.

hellomarshmallow Wed 05-Jul-17 11:34:19

Pay for a babysitter and have a break. Don't expect nights away.

Bostin Wed 05-Jul-17 11:35:39

YABU

OhTheRoses Wed 05-Jul-17 11:35:48

Dipping in for a quick bath is what mum's do. What resonated for me op was your comment about her wanting something whilst you put on your make-up. Surely your dc take priority over a bit of make-up.

She's eight. Let her be a child. It takes five minutes to get the table ready for breakfast if that. Why is she doing it?

I appreciate things have been hard for you and possibly you don't know how to mother because it is a skill handed down from mother to daughter. I really think some parenting classes might be a starting point and help you to break the cycle.

And yes you must go, you must wave, you must sit at the front.

Jellycatspyjamas Wed 05-Jul-17 11:35:58

Yeah you have a lot on your plate but you're an adult, with infinitely more emotional resources than your 7/8 year old child. I think you're being harsh on all counts - toys at the table are banned? That's pretty hard language for a little one. I wonder if you eased up a bit all round you might find life easier for yourself too.

And hi to the assembly, sit where you always do and be proud of your daughter - withdrawing your relationship from her is a horrible way to discipline a child. She won't remember what she did wrong but she will remember that your presence in her life is conditional.

hellomarshmallow Wed 05-Jul-17 11:37:40

You're complaining that she chats during breakfast! YY theroses to parenting class idea. Would definitely be a good step

Dancergirl Wed 05-Jul-17 11:38:35

You're actually considering missing her assembly as a punishment??

Mean, mean, mean

craftsy Wed 05-Jul-17 11:40:14

YA Massively U. You have utterly insane expectations of an 8 year old child and need to cop on to yourself BIG TIME. I feel for you because I know how tough it is to find yourself a single parent when you thought you were bringing your child into a strong marriage. I'm exhausted all the time and I have family support. But you need to step back and realise your stress and exhaustion is making you behave unreasonably toward your very young child and is ultimately creating far, far more stress for yourself.

When this small child doesn't meet your impossibly high standards you feel worse, treat her worse, she behaves worse, etc. You have yourself trapped in a vicious circle of your own making and you and only you are responsible for this antagonism you and your daughter are experiencing with each other. If you don't I promise you things will get much, much worse in a few years as she enters her teens. You have a real nightmare ahead of you. You need to step back, realise that this situation is ultimately your fault and completely change your attitude and expectations regarding a very young child. If you do, you can make you life and hers a lot happier and easier.

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