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AIBU to go a little pyscho

(40 Posts)
xcxcsophiexcxc Wed 05-Jul-17 10:31:05

I feel pregnant last year and I am now a single mum of a beautiful 4 month baby boy.
The dad/sperm donor I had been seeing on and off for three years and the first conversation about my pregnancy he stated that there was no way him and his mother were supporting me to keep the baby, so that was that.
I have been accused of every cliche under the sun wether it be for money, for marriage , it's not even his etc etc, being screamed down on the phone to his mum trying to force me to get an abortion . I stayed away during my pregnancy apart from when I knocked on their home at 8 months pregnant asking if he was going to be on my sons birth certificate, his mum answered and basically told me I was selfish for not having an abortion.
My son is nearly 5 months old now and I have requested child maintence , he denied being his dad but after a lot of pushing and shoving he finally took the DNA test and surprise surprise it was his. He has still not paid any maintenance to date and last night I went over there to sort it out as he has ignored all payments ordered so far.
I was met by his brother who was nice enough, his dad all but ran away from the door so avoid seeing his own grandson. But basically pied me off saying that my sons Dad and his mum were not home and wouldn't be that day ( complete bollocks)
I'm actually try to the least vindictive I can be as I know a deduction of earnings will cost 20% more and I don't want to purposely disadvantage anyone.
But I'm feeling really bitchy now, I cannot understand how people can turn their own back on their grandchild or child. If the shoe was on the other foot my parents would never let me run away from this responsibility.
AIBU to do one of these things?
1. Or a congratulations message in the dads parish council newsletter, saying congratulations on the birth of his first son. The town is very small and everyone knows each other so there would be a lot of embarrassment and talk here
2. Send a bunch of congratulations it's a boy balloon bunch to his work (also my work but I had kept the father discreet the passed year but when I return from mat leave I won't be any longer ) also embarrassing as his colleagues don't know that he's knocked someone up.

I've tried being the bigger person but I cannot any longer, they will eventually hurt my son when he realises his paternal side wanted nothing to do with him. And to add insult to injury he has a cousin five days younger than him that his brothers that they adore. Do I sound pyscho for doing the suggested?

BoysofMelody Wed 05-Jul-17 10:32:47

I wouldn't sink to that twat's level.

booloobalooloo Wed 05-Jul-17 10:36:29

I wouldn't do the second if its your work too. He's still there atm so will have more control over the direction of gossip than you even if you have friends there. The first I'd be tempted by but i don't really think it's worth it.

Northernparent68 Wed 05-Jul-17 10:36:58

I understand your pain and sense of injustice, but shaming the father will achieve nothing. It really won't make you feel any better and won't change the fathers behaviour,it could damage your reputation as much as his

PeaFaceMcgee Wed 05-Jul-17 10:38:55

Keep your side of the street clean. It's obvious this wankstain isn't going to do anything unless he's legally forced, so go through the official channels now.

there was no way him and his mother were supporting me to keep the baby, so that was that

LMAO. What a knobber. Hit him where it hurts with CMS.

LittleLionMansMummy Wed 05-Jul-17 10:40:56

Neither. Pursue him through the courts if necessary for payment. Prick.

ZoeWashburne Wed 05-Jul-17 10:43:00

I wouldn't. I know you have every right to be vindictive, but this isn't going to end the way you want it to end. It will just make you look bad and they will spin it as another way you are being unreasonable (you arent!).

Focus on getting the maintenance from the father and leave it. You have been more than reasonable. Just focus on being the best parent for your son.

Would you actually want your child around someone who tried to force you to have an abortion? These are not nice people. Maybe they will come around one day, maybe they won't. But when people show you who they are, believe them.

In battles like this, the gracious side always wins. Fight for your maintenance through the courts and don't keep it a secret who the father is if asked, but don't try to shame him into parenting. It will just be a toxic situation for your baby.

If someone asks who the father is, I think it would be fair to say matter of fact: 'John is the father, but he has made it clear he would prefer not to have a relationship with baby' and change the subject.

lemureyes Wed 05-Jul-17 10:46:15

Don't do either. Note down every time you go to see him and being somebody with you as witness that way in court he cannot say he hasn't seen the child. Start pursuing him through court so you can get the maintenance.

Herbpatch Wed 05-Jul-17 10:46:22

there was no way him and his mother were supporting me to keep the baby

What a bizarre thing for him to say. Was his mother involved in the conception or something, or what does she have to do with it? hmm

Agree with the pps. Pursue him legally for child maintenance. Don't have anything further to do with him, unless it's a message to say that you would be open to him being involved in his child's life in the future, if you would. Your baby, as he grows up, doesn't need the added difficulty of knowing that his mother tried to publicly shame his biological father into acknowledging him. I think that would be a horrible thing to discover.

Rosierosa15 Wed 05-Jul-17 10:46:58

As tempting as all that is right now, in the long run I think you may feel prouder of yourself just keeping your head held high and not stooping low.
When your son is older he'll be proud too! Think of it this way, your son will find out what his dad is all about and that's hurtful, poor thing, but that's not your fault! You're better off staying the bigger person smile

Tormundsbrow Wed 05-Jul-17 10:47:05

I'm going to get slated for this, but here goes - if you hadn't of wanted the baby you would of had a choice, the man didn't! He made it quite clear you would be doing this alone, so I feel that's the route you have to take.

Yes I'm aware he shouldn't have unprotected sex if he didn't want a child that much, but, why is it just the woman's choice that's always respected?!

Rosierosa15 Wed 05-Jul-17 10:47:56

I forgot to say definitely pursue for maintenance though.

TieGrr Wed 05-Jul-17 10:48:37

He made it quite clear you would be doing this alone

Well, then, he needed to have taken more care with contraception. OP can't force a relationship between him and his son, but he owes maintenance at the very least.

Tormundsbrow Wed 05-Jul-17 10:54:45

Maybe, but if OP was on here writing that she was being forced to have a baby she didn't want, there would be an uproar!

We all make choices in life, he made his, OP made hers.

xcxcsophiexcxc Wed 05-Jul-17 10:59:31

I do feel atleast he has the financial responsibility.
This guy would refuse/lie about having condoms so whilst I initially had some sympathy over the year he's lost it all. For me he had his choice and made it. The decision to keep/not keep a child does fall to the mother as at the end of the day they will have to deal with the consequences of keeping or aborting the baby which is neither an easy choice to make unlike a guy who can just turn his back and continue as nothing happened.
I understand I can't force him to parent and neither do I really want that but I would like my child to know where he comes from because he will ask one day and I'm afraid of what might happen as someone you know nothing about you may idealise them.

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 05-Jul-17 10:59:33

Leave his family out of it.
Leave his employers out of it.
Leave the parish newsletter out of it.
Leave his mother out of it.
Make no direct contact with him.
Continue to pursue him for maintenance through the correct channels. Anything else will backfire on you.

dataandspot Wed 05-Jul-17 11:00:52

Stop going to his house. Only communicate formally e.g cms, emails, recorded delivery letters.

Carve a life out for you and your child and don't rely on him for anything.

xcxcsophiexcxc Wed 05-Jul-17 11:01:38

And as for those who are saying to not do it, you are right. I just find times where I am overwhelmed with anger/upset. Hence the post is an outlet to clear my mind but response is urging me to stay on the right path.

PinkHeart5911 Wed 05-Jul-17 11:02:34

Why bother? What will behaving that way achieve? In these situations you really are better off staying as the bigger person as it won't achieve anything anyway

This man made it clear from the start of pregnancy he was not going to play daddy so all you can do now is claim the maintenance you have a legal right to and get on with life.

I know it must hurt that him & his family don't want to know your ds but the harsh truth is you can not force them to want ds and tbh if they don't want to know him, he is without a doubt better off without knowing them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 05-Jul-17 11:03:04

To be honest, I think you need to rise above it and pursue maintenance through the courts. You'll just make a bad situation worse if you follow the childish tactics route, however satisfying it may be at the time. You'll also make yourself look like a psycho at work - just calmly tell people who the father is.

thereallochnessmonster Wed 05-Jul-17 11:03:25

Just ignore him. Block his family. Go through the CSA or whatever they're called now for financial support.

SlothMama Wed 05-Jul-17 11:06:39

I wouldn't sink to his level, pursue for maintenance but leave his family out of it.
I'll probably be flamed for this, but in future if the guy won't wear a condom or claims to have none don't have sex with him. Or make sure you are covered by having your own contraception.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 05-Jul-17 11:08:56

*Leave his family out of it.
Leave his employers out of it.
Leave the parish newsletter out of it.
Leave his mother out of it.
Make no direct contact with him.
Continue to pursue him for maintenance through the correct channels. Anything else will backfire on you*

This

Honestly, you'll be so glad in the future that you kept your dignity now.

What an absolute knob he is

BitOutOfPractice Wed 05-Jul-17 11:09:20

I'd love to know what that didn't appear bold confused

TieGrr Wed 05-Jul-17 11:10:53

Maybe, but if OP was on here writing that she was being forced to have a baby she didn't want, there would be an uproar!

This made me grin a little. I'm in Ireland, where unless you take a trip across the water, many women are forced into having babies they don't want...

The father of my own DD wanted nothing to do with us. I've respected that decision and haven't pushed for a relationship but I did ask for maintenance payments from him - some of the tax credits and payments I used to claim here would insist that you seek maintenance from the father before you could apply for them. So him not paying anything would have had a big impact on what I could provide.

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