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To not attend a wedding I've already said I'm attending?

(63 Posts)
Yvetteballs Sun 02-Jul-17 16:48:32

Reasons I should go:

I've already sent rsvp for myself and my daughter
It will make things easier for MIL
I have a dress
It will be pleasant and I don't minspd chatting away to people I don't know.

Reasons to cancel:

Already annoyed that I got a save the date card for the wedding then only got an evening invite. I don't mind an evening invite but the std card was misleading and led me to buy a dress I didn't need, too far in advance to return it.
I originally agreed to go because if I hadn't, MIL wouldn't have gone alone, which would have upset wedding family.
I'm only invited because I'm the partner of a family member who actually can't go himself due to ill health.
MIL is invited to the full thing. She's persuaded me to also attend the service and pay for my own meal at the wedding breakfast. I'd have to pay more for the wedding catering food than I'd have to pay for the pub lunch but can't have the normal pub lunch as I'm seated with the wedding party.
DD is very very quiet and will struggle all day.
MIL is putting pressure on me to get ill dp to go so that she won't be embarrassed that he's not there.bshe thinks I'm not making enough effort to get him to go.

So, the MIL pressure is the last straw. It's not me they want there, it's dp who can't go. I'm thinking of politely cancelling, maybe referring to DD's shyness/social anxiety and acting as MIL' S chauffeur. I'd need to drive her there, 1.5 hours and pick her up the next day. Will I be wrong to do this?

ImperialBlether Sun 02-Jul-17 16:52:49

Will she know other people there?

Yvetteballs Sun 02-Jul-17 16:56:08

Just me and her nana. She isn't the type to run off to mix with the other children. She'll sit with me and feel awkward.

To add, I'd also need to pay for 1 or 2 nights hotel as well as lunch, petrol, dress, drinks etc.

luckylucky24 Sun 02-Jul-17 16:59:17

Just say you cannot make it. You don't want to go anyway.

Yvetteballs Sun 02-Jul-17 17:00:47

Lucky, do you think I could do that if I've already rsvp'd?

ImperialBlether Sun 02-Jul-17 17:00:53

Sorry, I meant will your MIL know anyone else!

EthelsDisco Sun 02-Jul-17 17:01:44

I think it would be odd to go to the service that you weren't actually invited to and sit with the wedding people but pay for your own food. Very odd. Annoying though yes about th save the date card.

Life's too short to go to weddings that you don't want to. Don't make your dd's anxiety the excuse, just say you'll need to stay at home to look after dp sorry.

Its fine to say you cant go after already saying you will, as you weren't actually in the wedding day do numbers anyway there's no issue, I'm sure mil will be fine get her to book a taxi.

Yvetteballs Sun 02-Jul-17 17:05:46

Oh yes sorry IB. Yes MIL will know lots of people, but she'd have been much happier knowing dp, me and DD would be there.

Ethelsdisco- wedding invite stated that people could attend the service uninvited and brides mother suggested to me that we and some others book the pub if we want to, so we won't look out of place but we will be paying.

greendale17 Sun 02-Jul-17 17:07:46

I wouldn't go

Akire Sun 02-Jul-17 17:07:53

Just say family member is too ill, can't expect you to drive for a nights stay drive MIL wedding then go off and busy yourself until the evening!

Or say I'd love to come but be to much entaining daughter all day and going out for meals. If your attendance was that vital they would asked you to whole thing

n0rtherrn Sun 02-Jul-17 17:09:48

This is all a very odd set up, I've never heard of sitting with the wedding party, uninvited, and paying for yourself?

Most wouldn't go to the service either then hang around till the evening if they weren't invited for he whole day.

Anyway no you are not being unreasonable to change your mind.

The save the date would piss me off. I did 2 lots of save the dates, one set said 'evening reception invitation to follow'. I was conscious of leading people to think they would need to keep the whole day free, and it also makes it look like people have been demoted to evening only after initially receiving an official looking save the date card.

Your MIL will just have to suck it up. It's a lot of money to fork out for one day, and one you aren't even invited to all of it.

My only compromise would be to meet her there at the evening.

Bluerose27 Sun 02-Jul-17 17:10:00

It'll not matter to them if you change your mind, it won't affect a seating plan/number of guests they have to pay for as you're "only" an evening guest. If they were concerned about mil feeling comfortable then they should have invited her plus one.
As it is, you have to get ready, drive mil, attend the ceremony, sit around on your own like a fool for 6 hours or pay for your own meal at the table with all the invited guests ( will there even be a place for you at a table? How on earth would you organise paying for your own meal? The venue will only have prepared food for the numbers quoted by the b&g anyway)

Seems to me you're only going because mil is bullying you into it . If it's a family wedding she'll know other people. Even if you do go you'll potentially be asked to sit somewhere else for the meal and she'll be on her own anyway.

I suspect she wants a taxi driver and not a companion

Yvetteballs Sun 02-Jul-17 17:15:18

I contacted pub to say we'd be there. They met with the bride and told her I'd have to have the wedding party food. I checked their usipual menu and saw that I was paying for a vastly inferior menu potentially more than if I'd had opportunity to have pub food. That bit really annoyed me.

Yvetteballs Sun 02-Jul-17 17:16:23

Would any wordsmiths here like to word a polite message to the bride for me. Don't want to appear rude, whilst also knowing it's no skin off their nose if I'm there or not.

Oysterbabe Sun 02-Jul-17 17:17:25

When is it?

Yvetteballs Sun 02-Jul-17 17:19:30

Early August

OlennasWimple Sun 02-Jul-17 17:20:15

This is all very odd

Presumably it's a church wedding, so technically anyone can attend?

How about saying something to B&G like

"Unfortunately DD and I are now not able to come to your wedding, but we hope you have a wonderful day and we look forward to seeing the photos in due course."

Ie keep it simple, don't be drawn into making up complicated excuses

Dealing with MiL is probably harder, though...

FrancisCrawford Sun 02-Jul-17 17:20:41

Goodness, you would so not be unreasonable!

And I'm quite horrified that your MIL would even contemplate having you paying for your meal when you'd only be there to appease her!

TBH I'd be getting her to book and pay for her own transport. Driving for six hours isn't a reasonable ask.

EthelsDisco Sun 02-Jul-17 17:22:31

'Dear bride sorry I am now unable to attend the evening do, have a lovely day love yvetteballs'.

Honestly its as easy as that. Mil maybe needs more, but just keep repeating 'I need to stay with Dp' then change the subject.

FrancisCrawford Sun 02-Jul-17 17:23:24

Polite message:

"Dear X,

Thank you for your kind invitation to the evening reception. Unfortunately, due to family circumstances I am unable to attend.

Z and I wish you both every happiness in your life together. I know MIL is looking forward to being at the wedding.

Best wishes"

ExConstance Sun 02-Jul-17 17:24:25

If they really wanted your DP there and he is ill why aren't they paying for you? Sounds as if you are being taken advantage of all round.

MickeyRooney Sun 02-Jul-17 17:27:39

i wouldn't dream of going. this all is not fair on you.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Sun 02-Jul-17 17:32:24

I certainly wouldn't go in your circumstances. Stay at home with your DH.

I'd go bonkers having to spend the whole day with my MIL, if DH wasn't there (she's very difficult).

eddielizzard Sun 02-Jul-17 17:33:39

i wouldn't go. you have to fork out an awful lot to please mil who actually wants your dp there. she already knows lots of people. you won't be costing them money by pulling out because they're not paying for you anyway.

dear bride,

i'm so sorry but unfortunately circumstances have changed and i'll be unable to attend your evening wedding celebration. i wish you all the best for the day and lots of happiness in your future together.

Ragwort Sun 02-Jul-17 17:33:41

I have never heard of someone being expected to pay for their own wedding meal, that is incredibly, just reply as per one of the very good suggestions above and you will have to be firm with your MIL. Can your DP tell her, it might be easier if he does it?

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