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aibu to want go to family instead of holiday

(138 Posts)
mugc4ke Sat 01-Jul-17 09:21:15

DH works full time. I work 22.5h over 5 days.
2 DS (DS2 with a rare chromosome disorder and severe learning difficulties).

I want to see my parents during the summer for 2 weeks instead of going on a holiday. My family lives at the other end of the UK and cannot help on a regular basis but are very helpful with the DC when I am there. It is my only option to get a 'break'.
We do not get help locally, no respite and I work when the DC are in school. As said, DS2 has very complex needs and it is incredibly tough day in day out. The relentlessness of it is making me ill.

DH's family live in Europe. He visited them this spring for 2 weeks. Parents are elderly and stuff needed to be sorted at home - so not a classic holiday but time back home and he didn't even take the DC which makes it actually really easy.

we wanted to initially rent a caravan and have a cheap holiday but I am breaking under the working/caring/housework strain and decided to take the DC to my family so they can help with the DC, esp DS2 whilst I put my legs up. 2 weeks of no cooking, cleaning, washing and having somebody to take the DC off me so I can sleep. this is all I want.

DH and my family don't rub along well so he would not come along.

He is now angry with me for on effect cancelling the holiday. I get his point but I need this break. But then he has had a holiday at his parents already.

I am really not sure who is unreasonable. I dont see things very clearly and need some perspective.

Longji Sat 01-Jul-17 09:22:41

I can see both of your points. Would it be possible to do a week with your parents and a week in a caravan?

mugc4ke Sat 01-Jul-17 09:25:47

it is a rather long trip to my family. I couldn't do the return journey in a week. It is all a bit challenging with DS2 and I really need a proper break. It usually takes me a a good week to wind down... I really need 2 ideally 3 weeks).

Sirzy Sat 01-Jul-17 09:26:18

Can you do a week of each? Or your family join you for a week of the holiday?

Neither are necessarily being unreasonable you just need to find a workable compromise

mugc4ke Sat 01-Jul-17 09:28:40

Parents cannot join us.

maybe i am really unreasonable. I am just so so tired. sad

AlternativeTentacle Sat 01-Jul-17 09:30:54

why are you at breaking point? How much does he contribute to family life?

Elenorrigbywoes Sat 01-Jul-17 09:31:32

Could you go to your family and could he visit his parents? You need to get some respite. You won't be able to care for your DS unless you care for yourself a little flowersflowers

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Sat 01-Jul-17 09:33:57

YA both BU - I can see your DH's point, that you've unilaterally decided on a 'family' holiday that excludes him, I'd be so upset if I were him. But you also need a break. Can you holiday for the second week somewhere near-ish to your parents or on the way back so he can join you? Caravan or B&B?

It's pretty mean to take away his family holiday, and he probably needs a break too, so compromise should be the way forward here.

Sirzy Sat 01-Jul-17 09:35:22

Also this doesn't change the long term problem really.

Why aren't you getting a break normally? Does he get a break? Can you reduce hours At work at all to help you cope?

mugc4ke Sat 01-Jul-17 09:35:42

anybody with s severely disabled child who holds down a job will be tired. most mums in my shoes don't even work.

Housework is done 70/30.

But DH comes home between 7 and 8 pm whilst I am back home with the DC by 4. So of course I end up doing more than DH at home. he helps as much as he can esp at the weekend.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Sat 01-Jul-17 09:35:56

I've just re-read your OP and seen that your family live at the other end of the UK - so book your family holiday for somewhere between the two places so you can break up the journey.

UrsulaPandress Sat 01-Jul-17 09:38:05

He has already had a 'holiday' with his parents.

You need a break.

AtSea1979 Sat 01-Jul-17 09:38:41

Is there a reason why you can't have two weeks at your parents and a holiday? The kids are off for 6 weeks, what will you do the rest of your time?

gamerwidow Sat 01-Jul-17 09:39:09

How badly do your DH and family not get on. Can he just grit his teeth and be civil for 2 weeks for you so you all can go to your parents for a holiday or are your parents so awful to him this isn't an option?

mugc4ke Sat 01-Jul-17 09:39:55

I's pretty mean to take away his family holiday, and he probably needs a break too, so compromise should be the way forward here.

He had a 2 week holiday at his parents without the DC earlier this year whilst I was alone with the DC. He got his break already. That is kind of my point. He struggles with DS2 and went therefore alone..
I cannot go anywhere alone as he wouldn't cope.

mugc4ke Sat 01-Jul-17 09:41:27

Is there a reason why you can't have two weeks at your parents and a holiday?

I am working, with 22 days AL.

PotteringAlong Sat 01-Jul-17 09:43:17

Could your parents come to you for a stretch?

robinia Sat 01-Jul-17 09:44:44

Although I don't think YAB entirely U I'm not sure why you can't do the return journey in a week.Even Cornwall to north Scotland is perfectly manageable (assuming the UK).
Also there are many ways in which you could compromise and whilst 2-3 weeks would be great, I can understand your dh being put out that you don't want to spend even 1 week with him.

Inertia Sat 01-Jul-17 09:45:20

You are at breaking point and need some respite. It'd be much tougher for DH if you did what he's already done and left him home with the children.

A possible way forward - you all travel to your parents but have a 3 day holiday break somewhere en route, stay at least a week with your parents, then another stopover on the way back.

TheBakeryQueen Sat 01-Jul-17 09:46:32

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all!

You sound exhausted- why doesn't he understand this?

Go see your family and get that rest that you so desperately need. Book a family holiday for another time when you feel able to cope a bit better.

Good luck to you.

mugc4ke Sat 01-Jul-17 09:47:30

Could your parents come to you for a stretch?

no, DH and DP really don't get on. long backstory. it would just be more stress and we don't have enough place either.

but thanks for all the replies. seems I am somewhat unreasonable. I will go back to the drawing board and speak to DH to see if there is another way flowers

mygorgeousmilo Sat 01-Jul-17 09:47:40

YANBU you desperately need a break!

Cornettoninja Sat 01-Jul-17 09:47:55

If you're at breaking point then I don't think yabu. If the thought of a more traditional family week away is doing nothing but adding to your stress and unhappiness then what's the point?

It's one year/holiday and I think your dh should understand how exhausted you are and support your solution for some respite. How much plainer can you make what you feel you need?

Regarding 'taking away his holiday' - well boohoo. Sacrificing one years family holiday (and I'm presuming the kids will have a good time either way) for the sake of your partners health isn't an outrageous request.

Hulababy Sat 01-Jul-17 09:47:59

I think you both need to have a break each, with family - but maybe you both need to look at making it a week each.

And then still have time for a family holiday together.

I wouldn't want to not have a family holiday with my DH and DD each year, and definitely don't see a fortnight spent at my parents, or my in laws, as the equivalent - despite having a very nice relationship with both.

Chloe84 Sat 01-Jul-17 09:48:04

You definitely need to take this two weeks break.

If there is time/money for a caravan break at another time, then maybe you could do that too.

What would happen if you suggested to DP that he has both kids, and you go to your parents?

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