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To ask the older women around

(36 Posts)
PaperdollCartoon Fri 30-Jun-17 00:11:58

Did you have doubts or concerns about your DH and/or your relationship before you married him that ultimately turned out to be unfounded? Did you question your decision but are happy now?
The whole narrative is that everything will be perfect before you commit, I don't feel that's true. I think relationships grow. But I'd appreciate any insight x

VestalVirgin Fri 30-Jun-17 00:31:37

If you are having doubts, don't marry.

Why not wait for that growth you expect will happen?

In my experience, relationships grow, but don't change. (Not for the better, at least)

In other words, if you have a little tomato plant, you can water and fertilize it and it will grow up into a strong and beautiful tomato plant, but it won't change into a potato. So if you don't want a tomato plant, don't waste your time trying to change it.

If the relationship is great now, it might become even better in the future, sure.

But in all cases where I had nagging doubts about someone's character, or things that slightly annoyed me, I found that those get worse, not better, with closer acquaintance.

TequilaSunshine Fri 30-Jun-17 00:33:55

Strange question weirdly worded. Are you from the Wright Stuff or Daily Mail?! grin

NellieFiveBellies Fri 30-Jun-17 00:41:59

why older?
what if im 60 and got married 8 months ago?
😁

you mean women who have been married for a long time, i assume? 😁

i have been married nearly 20 years. i had no concerns when i married him. wouldnt have married if i had! to marry with concerns and doubts is stupid. just stupid.

has it been plain sailing? nope. have there been times i wondered wtf i was doing? yes. but thats a long marriage for you i think.

do not marry expecting the person you marry to undergo some sort of personality transplant. they wont grow into the person you want them to be and you would be a fool to think otherwise.

MrsOverTheRoad Fri 30-Jun-17 00:58:11

No. No doubts whatsoever. And I'd had two previous proposals from long term boyfriends...which didn't feel right.

When I met DH I "knew" we'd be married.

I never worried at all.

VestalVirgin Fri 30-Jun-17 00:59:28

why older?

I just assumed she's 20 and wants advice from someone with more life experience. Am not old. Just possibly older than her. wink

PaperdollCartoon Fri 30-Jun-17 00:59:58

Sorry for the poorly worded post Tequila. Definitely NOT daily fail, just moderately tipsy and on a train with intermittent signal.

Nellie you're right, not necessarily older, just married for a long time. Time to see a partner age, grow and develop. Many of the male partners modelled to me have changed a lot over time.

No doubts whatsoever about my partner's personality or character. I am utterly sure of both, both showing him to be the very best sort of person. If he stayed just as he is now I would be perfectly happy, he is the best of men. My doubts are about our sexual compatibility. Something which seems less important now when looking to the future, but does niggle at me. I wish I could discount it. Buy it always rears his head a low moment, that I'll wish we'd had that passion. Whilst at the same time thinking not having it is a fair compromise for all the wonderful things I get

PaperdollCartoon Fri 30-Jun-17 01:00:59

I'm definitely not 20 (almost 30) just feeling frustratingly complatative

avamiah Fri 30-Jun-17 01:05:48

I haven't got a clue what OP is asking?
Confused .

NellieFiveBellies Fri 30-Jun-17 01:07:12

dont marry hoping for change would be my advice.

decide now whether you can be happy with a lifetime of what you have now.

if yes, great. if no, dont sign up to something you'll ultimately resent.

Bloomed Fri 30-Jun-17 01:09:53

How big is the sexual mismatch?

OlennasWimple Fri 30-Jun-17 01:10:12

I agree with Vestal and Nellie. And I've seen in my friendship group that the people who got married with niggling doubts and the people who got married thinking that X didn't really matter or they were sure that Y would change after marriage are the ones that were the first to get divorced.

Seeingadistance Fri 30-Jun-17 01:15:17

I had serious doubts and concerns, rationalised them away. Marriage was short and miserable.

Notmyrealname85 Fri 30-Jun-17 01:31:37

"If in doubt, don't!"

Things don't get magically better if they're not fixable now

LadyB49 Fri 30-Jun-17 01:48:10

Niggling doubts beforehand became a 25 year misery.
Then I left.
3 years later met my now DH. We waited 8 years to marry but we knew at 3 weeks that we'd marry. There were no doubts. Married 13 years and still no doubts

BemusedExpression Fri 30-Jun-17 01:51:39

You were drinking tequila on a train?

BemusedExpression Fri 30-Jun-17 01:53:13

Oh wait, I got it. Sorry, carry on.

LittleKiwi Fri 30-Jun-17 02:22:28

Don't do it!

I haven't been married for ages, so I'm not the person you were looking for, but IME you need the initial insane attraction to get you through hard times later on... if there's always been doubt from one of you re: sexual attraction, what happens when you don't have sex for a while? Say you've had a baby and you're tired all the time. Starts to confirm what someone has always worried about.

user1477249785 Fri 30-Jun-17 02:22:31

I'll bite: I was worried in the run up. Because it is a MAJOR decision and I don't always trust my own judgement, because the man I married wasn't the man I might have though I would have married, because there were a number of logistical challenges and differences between us. I definitely had moments where I worried. The enormity of it weighed on me,

I didn't doubt that DH was a kind and wonderful man (although I did think a lot about his less good traits because I knew I needed to be sure I could live with them).

We are 12 years in and every day I think that I struck gold with him. He has been a true partner in every sense of the word. A really, really great human being, decent and devoted father and a selfless husband who is still my best friend.

I think some questions are normal. But I think the nature of them matters. Worry about the size of the commitment is I think ok. Concern that your fiancé isn't a decent person or won't treat you well, not so much.

Good luck.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 30-Jun-17 02:24:36

I had doubts about my exH; note ex.

I had no doubts about my DH; note DH.

user1495484765 Fri 30-Jun-17 02:49:09

Trust your instinct. If something feels off, don't do it.

Atenco Fri 30-Jun-17 03:22:15

I'm older but otherwise don't qualify. However I do think sexual incapability is pretty major and not a good foundation for a marriage.

Tartyflette Fri 30-Jun-17 06:38:56

Um, I think OP said incompatability rather than incapability.
As to incompatability, IME that can change over time and in a long marriage it can be less important as you age. Ours has been a bit bumpy, sex-wise, eventually we weathered the rockier times and thimgs have smoothed out.
BUT I wouldn't want to say that it's the same for everyone, many marriages fail due to sex issues, of course.
What I will say is that I had no doubts before marriage. We are 40 years in now.

Naicehamshop Fri 30-Jun-17 06:57:02

Hmm - any doubts at all, stop and think about things very very carefully. A minor issue now could be making you fee extremely miserable in 10 years time, and if you have children by then you probably will find it very difficult to make any changes.
Hth.

Naicehamshop Fri 30-Jun-17 06:58:13

And yes, relationships do grow but not necessarily in the direction you want them to!

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