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AIBU?

WIBU to distance myself from my DSis as I'm just making her feel shit and I don't know what I'm doing wrong

18 replies

ChildishGambino · 29/06/2017 23:26

My DSis is having a hard time. She's started a new job she isn't enjoying and says she isn't excelling at. I think this is due to the culture of the organisation which is very disorganised, rather than her skills. She's really incredible.

But, also, I had my DD 7 months ago nearly and everything I'm doing as a Mum seems to make her feel like utter shit. When she has her first he cried nonstop for 6 months and she had a really tough time. My DM keeps commenting (in front of both of us) how lovely my DD is and how difficult her DS was. I raised today that this isn't helpful and she needs to stop doing this as every time she does my DSis visibly recoils and clearly feels like shit. I think she PND and this hasn't ever been acknowledged but her DC's are now in their teens and they are lovely kids.

DSis makes comments like, "You're a natural" and "I know you look down on me,"

I really don't and she is an amazing Mum but what can I do to help apart from staying away from her? I love her and I don't want to make her feel like crap but it seems every time I'm there she does. I'm lost.

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R2G · 29/06/2017 23:30

She would feel like crap even if you weren't there. Be there for her. Keep telling her. That said, distance or limit if you need to for your own energy x

KeepServingTheDrinks · 29/06/2017 23:31

ask her for help and advice, act on it, and thank her.

Your actions will speak louder than your words!

ChildishGambino · 29/06/2017 23:32

R2G I'm really trying hit it hurts me that I'm making her feel crud. I expected motherhood to mean having a screaming baby for 12 hrs a day but DD is a happy contented little soul. It's not down to me - I genuinely think she has her own personality but it doesn't help when my DM keeps saying DD is so happy and chill because I'm 'so relaxed'. I feel like I just need to stay away but I love her.

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AyeAmarok · 29/06/2017 23:32

That's unkind of your mum. Does she have form for making your DSis feel down about herself?

ChildishGambino · 29/06/2017 23:33

I've moaned about being knackered, asked for advice etc and nothing good happens. I explained that the woman at the weighing clinic took the piss out of me for feeding DD puree and then said she shouldn't have marmite and DSis picked up on that and told me I must think she's an awful mother for feeding her babies marmite?!

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R2G · 29/06/2017 23:34

Maybe stay away from your DM a bit then and meet your sis separately

ChildishGambino · 29/06/2017 23:34

Not at all she was always the golden child and I was the black sheep?!

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peekyboo · 29/06/2017 23:35

She's reflecting what your mother is saying, not how you make her feel. I bet there are plenty other comments that have been repeated over the years. Do you see her on her own much or is it mainly with your mum there?

Xmasbaby11 · 29/06/2017 23:37

But it was such a long time ago she had her dc. Is it really an issue now? Rules about things like weaning change all the time so you can just put it down to that.

CosmicStrider · 29/06/2017 23:39

I have a sister that is compared to me. I am, to anyone looking in, more successful, stable, well off, healthy, able to cope, a better mother, a better daughter, a better sibling...it drives her mad. My family constantly compare us. I can do no wrong. Every fault is found with her.

Therefore, I am her biggest advocate. I stand up for her. Love her. I am there for her. I understand her as much as I can do. I am her fan club secretary. I will fight anyone who knocks her down.

She loves me for it.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2017 23:39

For a start, you could tell your mother to keep her big stupid mouth shut. The comments she makes are incredibly hurtful and damaging to your sister.

ChildishGambino · 29/06/2017 23:41

I'll do more Cosmic - the trouble is that she appears to be so confident and independent that I forget she could possibly be hurt by these comments. She's a very composed and beautiful closed book most of the time.

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ChildishGambino · 29/06/2017 23:43

Aqua I've told my DM that it isn't kind or true and that DSis can't deal with it. I don't think she's horrible she just says exactly what she thinks and that's not terribly helpful.

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EatTheChocolateTeapot · 29/06/2017 23:48

You used to be the black sheep but that has changed because you have had a baby and now your mother is constantly putting down your sister?
I think I would distance myself from your mother to start with. She doesn't sound very nice.

ChildishGambino · 29/06/2017 23:55

Eat - the trouble is that I'm on maternity leave and DM is semi retired and so I'm spending a lot of time with her. She'll also be looking after DD a bit when I return to work so how can I do this? I've texted her and suggested a night out but I don't think there's much more I can do...

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HeddaGarbled · 29/06/2017 23:59

Interesting you say that about her being the golden child. That's a dynamic that your mum/parents set up. And now your mum is playing a different game. And you, as the "black sheep" are feeling guilty and taking responsibility for the way your sister is feeling.

You have an unhealthy family dynamic and it's probably your mum who created it.

I would recommend that you do some reading about toxic families.

And then try and step back from it all. Don't take responsibility for your sister's feelings. Don't make made up comments about what a bad mum you are to make her feel better. That's fooling no one.

I think you could certainly do with reducing the times when all 3 of you are together without distancing yourself from your sister.

PersianCatLady · 30/06/2017 01:56

But it was such a long time ago she had her dc. Is it really an issue now?
That was my first thought too, I don't see how a mother of teenagers would feel shit because her DSis is being a good mother???

VestalVirgin · 30/06/2017 02:08

Emphasize that your baby being a happy and content baby is most likely just you being lucky and your sister is very strong for having managed with a constantly crying baby?

Other than that, try to not discuss your daughter, but that's probably rather hard to do with a new baby.

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