To think that annual leave should be used primarily to cover the school holidays?

[Windymills]

DH and I have one DD, 6. DH works full time and I part time, 3 days a week. Obviously this means that during the school holidays we require childcare 3 days a week.

It is my belief that as much as possible, this is what our respective annual leave should be used for, covering school holidays. This means mostly taking leave at different times although we do go on a family holiday together. It also means that there isn't much leave left for anything else.

Fortunately my parents live nearby and they have her a few times during the holidays (not masses - they're having her 5 times during summer for example). This is lucky as we wouldn't easily be able to afford much paid childcare.

DH still likes to pursue various hobbies and as a result books a handful of days off each year which are for him solely. This is where we are in disagreement. He thinks that he should be entitled to do this. I however think that our leave should be for the whole family's benefit, whether that be a holiday or day out together or just looking after DD. It goes without saying that I don't do this.

I think he's quite presumptive that my parents will look after her so he can effectively go on his jollies.

AIBU?

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

Not U as such. But you're presuming that it would be possible to book that much time off in the holidays. Anywhere I've worked it's shared out and you would be unlikely to get more than 2 weeks when the schools are off.

[PlaymobilPirate]

Do you have free time when you're not working but dc is at school? I see your point but it depends if he sees you having time and is just looking force way to secure some himself. Ignore if he goes out loads during the week etc though

[BikeRunSki]

I'm with you OP.
DH is with your DH. He thinks he's done his "duty" when we all have a week away together.

No local family, a few kids clubs. God only knows what we'll do when DD is in Middle School (age 10).

[Trills]

Do you resent it because you'd like to have a handful of days to do as you wish, but feel that you shouldn't take it?

Or do you resent it because you don't want time alone, and you feel that he shouldn't want it?

[caffeinestream]

I see your point, but If DD is six, and you only work three days a week, do you not have two days a week to pursue your hobbies, albeit if it's only 9-3 ish?

I do think parents should be entitled to time out to themselves. How many days annual leave are we talking?

[Windymills]

He goes out at least once a week, plays cricket once a fortnight. He has a lot more time away from the family than I do.

Do I have free time when I'm not working - kind of, but it's spent shopping / doing housework / running errands, not doing anything just for me.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

What do you do on your non working days while your DD is at school and your DH is st work ?

[Redsippycup]

Would he be allowed to book that much leave in the summer? Where I work only 1 person from each dept is allowed to be off at a time so if other parents book it first he wouldn't be allowed to have it. Also no one would be allowed to book multiple half weeks as that would stop other people who want 1 full week iyswim.

DM isn't allowed to take any holiday in summer (hospitality industry) and I'm not allowed any in december.

I get what you are saying, but is it really that simple? If, for instance, one person booked all the half terms there would be a riot where I work!

[Oldbutstillgotit]

X post

[Windymills]

Do you resent it because you'd like to have a handful of days to do as you wish, but feel that you shouldn't take it?

Or do you resent it because you don't want time alone, and you feel that he shouldn't want it?

Definitely the first! I don't begrudge him his hobbies but I don't think it's fair to expect my parents to provide the childcare to enable him to do them. In an ideal world there'd be enough leave for everything!

[AndTakeYourHorseWithYou]

I'm with your DH. The thought of being told that I'm supposed to work all year and never have a day off for anything other than childcare purposes....you are people as well as parents you know.

[Trills]

So you would like to take time off to yourself as well?

That's the easier situation, because at least you both want the same thing.

Now is he a reasonable person? Can you talk to him and say "it's only fair that we have the same number of days off to ourselves - so either you halve the number you are taking (and I take those days instead), or you have to come up with a way for us to have more childcare so I can take the same number you are taking".

[Windymills]

Going on holiday isn't childcare, is it?

[Smellbellina]

You said it's a handful of days out of a years annual leave entitlement? Tbh, as he works ft and you pt, I don't think in all good conscience I could have a problem with that.

[Windymills]

Having the same amount of days off though is either going to mean asking my parents to look after DD more or it will cost us more in childcare. Neither of which are ideal and that's exactly why I don't think it's the way it should be.

[AndTakeYourHorseWithYou]

No but its still family time. Is he never supposed to have a day to himself?

DH and I make sure to take the odd day off for things that are important to us as individuals, we are not slaves to the children and family. If you want time to yourself make sure you get it, don't seek to stop him from having it.

[carefreeeee]

I'm with your DH too. He is allowed a life outside of the family and this is probably really important for him. If it's no more than a week's worth I think it's fine, as long as the timing is discussed. Cricket every fortnight and one evening out is really not a lot.

It sounds like you would benefit from a bit more time to yourself as well though - could you arrange this somehow? Perhaps get your daughter to spend a day with a friend occasionally, or you could go out in the evening once a week whilst your DH babysits. Or DH could do some housework at the weekend so that frees up one of your weekdays for you?

[Windymills]

The only reason I work part time is so that we don't have to pay out for wraparound childcare in term time (I do the school runs) and the extra childcare in the holiday. I'm on minimum wage so it wouldn't be worth it.

[InDubiousBattle]

YABU. I think it's fair enough to want a handful of days a year to peruse his own interests. Maybe it should be his responsibility to arrange alternative childcare if one of those days falls on one of your working days, be it your parents/forest school whatever? You have 2 days a week to do something for yourself.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

Do you really need 2 days every week to do shopping and housework ?

[Trills]

Neither of which are ideal and that's exactly why I don't think it's the way it should be.

When you suggest it, the choices are:
a - he halves his days-to-himself so you can have an equal share of those days, so the need for childcare stays the same
b - he has the same number of days and so do you, resulting in the need for childcare increasing
c - somewhere in the middle (he has slightly fewer days, you have the same number as him, childcare needs rise a little)

It'll be a compromise and a joint decision.

In your OP you are suggesting option d - he reduces his days to himself, you have to days to yourself, need for childcare reduces, but it doesn't sound as if that would make anyone happy

[ilovesooty]

You have a couple of days a week where you could plan to pursue a hobby. I think it's unreasonable to restrict him from using a few days of annual leave to pursue his.

[Trills]

you have no days to yourself in the final para there sorry

[Windymills]

You have 2 days a week to do something for yourself.

It's not the same. I can't go away overnight places like he does if I need to be back at the school at 3:30! Not to mention all the things that need doing around the house, I cook every day etc.

[camelfinger]

I agree with you. My DH is the same as yours. Growing up, if I was given the choice between six lazy weeks at home or five weeks in holiday club and a stressful family week away I would have opted for the former.
Having managed staff, I find that there is a similar attitude towards annual leave in general. For example if anyone had a medical appointment or needed to MOT the car they'd try to arrange to come in late rather than consider taking a day's leave, even though we had a generous entitlement.