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To let him get away with it?

(9 Posts)
CupcakeBabaPoo Thu 29-Jun-17 19:51:29

Be gentle with me please!

I can't go into too much detail as it's pretty outing. I have a colleague who is also my ex partner. He is senior to me in the organisation and he is quite influential (he likes to flex his muscles and throw his weight around).

When we were together we would argue about personal things. He would bring work into it - he would threaten to cause me problems with my colleagues, to tell people intimate things about me and even to get me sacked. I believed him and because of his threats I did things I didn't want to. My job was unstable at the time and he knew this and how worried I was.

Fast forward a few months. I finally found the courage to leave him. He carried on acting up at work and making things difficult. I approached HR who told me to put in a formal complaint about the threats.

I did and 8 months later they are dealing with it. There has been a series of blunders and this has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done. However..... he was interviewed recently. I have learnt that HR had one of my friends sit in on the 'interview panel'. I asked my friend not to do this but they still did. They then declared a conflict of interest the next day. They should have done this before. I am now really worried that this will undermine the whole investigation, it will fall flat on its face and my ex will have the green light to carry on behaving the way he did.

So.... AIBU to pull this complaint? I can't put myself through all this for it to come to nothing due to a technicality. I don't want my ex to get in trouble but he really can't carry on behaving how he has been.

Bluntness100 Thu 29-Jun-17 19:54:54

If you pull it it reflects very badly on you. It looks like you were making it up. And it gives him carte Blanche to continue.

Your friend only sat on the panel. Are you getting cold feet and looking for a reason to pull it?

Bluntness100 Thu 29-Jun-17 19:56:10

And what do you mean you don't want him to get into trouble? What did you think would happen if you put in a formal complaint and it was upheld?

Bluntness100 Thu 29-Jun-17 19:57:41

Also sorry, what do you mean a series of blunders, who made the blunders and what were they?

CupcakeBabaPoo Thu 29-Jun-17 19:57:58

I have too much evidence so it's clear it wasn't made up.

When my ex was interviewed my friend sat with the interviewer (don't know how involved they were). But due to the conflict of interest HR aren't sure on the impact.

I wanted this to be dealt with informally.

Bluntness100 Thu 29-Jun-17 20:02:22

I don't know your company procedures but I doubt they can deal with a formal complaint informally.

Even if there was a screw up with your friend, this isn't a court case, it should be irrelevant,

IStoleDipsysHat Thu 29-Jun-17 20:09:58

Look, I understand you want this all to go away but your ex has committed such serious professional transgressions that this has to be dealt with formally. Your friend is covering her back and making sure the investigation isn't compromised by her bring there. If she just sat in it should make no difference and it should just mean that she has no input in the final decision. At worst I can see HR just recalling him for interview with a different panel.
YWBVU to recall the complaint, it would destroy your career, potentially for good, not just at this employers. Which let's face it is something he would get a kick out of isn't it. You reported this in one of your stronger moments because you know it isn't right. Try to remember why you did this. If it helps write down everything he stands to lose and gain by you continuing or dropping this and write a similar list for yourself.

CupcakeBabaPoo Thu 29-Jun-17 20:16:35

Bluntness - Thank you, it is good to hear. I don't understand the B&H procedure. They do an informal investigation then it may go formal.

IStole - Thank you also. You are right but I fear that regardless of what I do my career is destroyed. He is influential and the colleague who is looking after him is also influential. He's already throwing his weight around in a discreet way but he's making his point.

IStoleDipsysHat Thu 29-Jun-17 20:30:02

If your career is destroyed with that organisation as you suspect, it will only be with that organisation. You have the evidence, so him and his friend throwing their weight around isn't actually going to do them any favours. Look beyond this organisation and to others in your field. They can't sully your reputation with all of them and if they are as twatty as your ex is then they will have trodden on toes and made enemies in the field who will be all to happy to bin any recommendations they make.

Don't give up hope. It may look impossible, but your complaint may be the straw the broke the camels back for them in that organisation. Their bosses may be looking at how they handle this and be giving them the rope with which to hang themselves. You just don't know what is going on elsewhere.

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