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TO ask what consequence should be given for this behaviour?

(11 Posts)
Moomoomango Thu 29-Jun-17 13:54:02

I'm at my wits end with my 5yo son. He can be a very lovely, empathetic and kind boy but can also be very aggressive if things don't go his way. I know I am at fault for getting into this situation, he was my first child and I centred my world around him. Now I see the errors of my way and have created a child who gets very angry if he doesn't get his way.

I am setting appropriate boundaries (e.g yes you can have a pear but you must eat it at the table - he sits down grabs pear and dances around the lounge eating it. Or no we cannot go in the garden right now - I have to get dressed and the paddling pool is full of water and I would not be able to supervise you and your younger brother. He opens door, I shut it - he hits me.)

He hits me everyday for one reason or another - mostly repeatedly and very very hard. I am not enjoying parenting and I feel really sad.

At the moment he's lost my priviladges for his violent behaviour (no screen time).
But he doesn't seem bothered and is continuing to be violent.

He flooded the bath last night and the night before drew in felt tip all over his bedroom ruining some things.

I hate to say this of my own child but he is becoming spoilt, demanding and a bully. How do I put on the breaks and discourage this behaviour?

InDubiousBattle Thu 29-Jun-17 14:04:25

What is his immediate sanction for hitting? Do you split his screen time into 5 minute slots (or whatever) that he loses immediately?

I think calm consistency is the key. Has he always been this way or is it a recent escalation?

Happiness2017 Thu 29-Jun-17 14:10:56

My friend has a child who is pretty much the same, very spoilt. Would always lash out if he wasn't getting his own way.

They use time out, or bed (bed not so effective as his toys are in there) when he shows signs of aggression. She has also managed to nip it quite quickly by explaining how it makes mummy feel when we does it.

These may not be the best solutions but it works for them.

He is like a different child at the moment, still has tantrums but the hitting has stopped and the tantrums don't last as long.

Feel for you being in this situation, I seen how much it hurt my friend up searching for answers flowers

FrenchJunebug Thu 29-Jun-17 14:19:54

you need to give him his sanction immediately after the event. Kids that age has no concept of time. For the pear I would have taken it away from him immediately, for the hitting he was have been sent to his room immediately.

Moomoomango Thu 29-Jun-17 14:29:26

He gets an immediate sanction but that seems to add fuel to his fire. If I put him in his room he is destructive and distroys things, I put him in another room where he could do little damage but he got the hoover and was bashing it against the door. It seems as soon as I put my foot down he goes down a rabbit hole of aggression and anger! Thanks for suggestions so far

Do you tell him that he is hurting you which isn't a nice thing to do? Have you tried time out? Or giving an alternative? No we can't go out side but maybe we can get the pencils and paper out and do colouring?

VestalVirgin Thu 29-Jun-17 14:39:13

What things are in his room? If it is only his toys, then let him destroy them, and don't give him new ones.
What other breakable items are in his room, and can you remove them?
He can live in a room he "decorated" with felt tip pen. It is a consequence of what he did.

Do you live with his father, and if so, what kind of role model is his father?

If nothing else works, seek professional help. At 5 his hitting you may seem merely annoying; it can soon get dangerous for you.
You seem to be doing your very best already, so I am pretty sure it is not due to your parenting, and the advice of parents whose children respond to punishment in a normal way might not help much.

Good luck! flowers

Motherbear26 Thu 29-Jun-17 18:47:43

Not judging in any way, but are you paying him enough positive attention e.g. Are you having lots of cuddles, do you read to him on his own etc. When one of mine has been going through a mischievous phase, I've found that it's very easy to get into the habit of only punishing when they are naughty and forgetting to reward whenever they behave well. It can become a bit of a downward spiral. If they are only ever being told off, then negative attention is all they feel they can get and it's better than nothing so they continue misbehaving. Of course you must continue with the sanctions when he hits, he must learn not to lash out, but if he does sit down to eat his pear, make a huge fuss at how well behaved he is being and how proud you are of him etc. Really over the top. I swear by star charts with rewards for good behaviour too. Really reinforce the behaviour that you want. Good luck.

FairlyConstantNameChanger Thu 29-Jun-17 19:03:23

I sympathise OP. I am doing a parenting course and trying 123 magic at the moment. I can't say there have been miracles but it may be worth you having a look at the book to see if it would work for you.

Pengggwn Thu 29-Jun-17 19:21:42

I think it is all very well being calm, but if you are too calm regardless of the behaviour, it can result in the child thinking kicking you repeatedly is the same thing as refusing to put on his hat confused

You need to have a range of responses in your voice and body language as well as in the consequences. Cajoling is for very minor things. A firm "I have told you not to do that. No TV tonight" is for deliberate naughtiness. Hitting me would provoke a "How DARE you. That hurt me and it was very naughty." Then I would remove him to his room. I would probably raise my voice. He is five, not two.

Dragongirl10 Thu 29-Jun-17 19:28:49

Watch supernanny op! l watched one last night where the sanctions imposed for two violent twins seemed a good solution to me....

Most importantly well done for recognising that this needs to stop NOW or his future will be bleak....l take my hat off to you for being honest and seeking answers...

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