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AIBU?

When they're not actually brothers!

263 replies

3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 28/06/2017 22:40

I have three children

DS is 10 and twin DS are 7. My BIL and SIL have a son who is 9. From when he was born they've always been very set that he would be their only child. Fair enough not my business.

Anyway my boys are very close and get on well with each other. twins are identical and very close and older DS is a good big brother to them.

They get on well with their cousin and see him once a week (perhaps every two weeks) at my MIL. He's a lovely boy too and they get on well.

Anyway, last week they were upstairs playing and nephew came downstairs very upset saying my oldest DS had been mean to him. I asked DS to come downstairs to explain what was going on. DS came downstairs and explained that my nephew (his cousin) had said to him that he's just as close to him as the twins and they're brothers too. I think DS was maybe a bit blunt and said that cousins weren't as closely related as siblings. Nephew said that my BIL and SIL had told him they were as close. I quietly said to DS that he shouldn't hurt nephews feelings and that he wants to be as close as my DS is to his twins brothers, it wasn't harming anyone and it's lovely that he feels close to them.

Anyway, that was that I thought. But no, i had a text from my SIL who said she thinks my DS is incredibly mean and rude for telling nephew that he is not as close to them. I don't even know what to reply to her. It's just bonkers! They're not brothers!

I feel like I've been dragged into a strange argument that biology and genetics would set straight! Aibu to just tell her to piss off?

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 28/06/2017 22:42

Is just text back -" they are cousins not brothers. They can have a an extremely close relationship but they'll never be blood brothers"

NataliaOsipova · 28/06/2017 22:44

How can he be "incredibly mean and rude" for stating a fact?

BlackeyedSusan · 28/06/2017 22:45

how odd. (of sil)

yanbu

BlueKarou · 28/06/2017 22:45

Maybe tell your sister you've reminded your son that he hurt his cousin's feelings, and that you hope they remain close as they grow up, but you're not going to dictate your son's words or feelings.

Barees · 28/06/2017 22:47

Scratching my head at your DSis response.

I wouldn't literally tell her where to go, but something along the lines of "We love that the boys are so close. Obviously brothers are brothers, but they do have a special relationship with DN"

Although I'd also be inclined to ignore her message.

But your DS shouldn't have to pretend he's has a relationship he doesn't with his cousin.

NancyDonahue · 28/06/2017 22:47

'Dear Bonkers SIL. They are cousins, not brothers. Good day to you'.

HipsterHunter · 28/06/2017 22:47

"Sorry DN was upset, I think things got lost in translation and DS was being factual about family relationships rather than about how close they all are together. Hopefully no harm done and they can make up next week"

HipsterHunter · 28/06/2017 22:48

*how close they all feel together

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 28/06/2017 22:48

i had a text from my SIL

Tell your DH to deal with his family.

3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 28/06/2017 22:50

bluekarou
You're right.

When I spoke to DS later about it he elaborated a bit and said that he explained to his cousin that his twin brothers are closer to each other than he is to them. That is also true and I was quite staggered that he recognised the different bonds etc. He asked if what he'd told his cousin was wrong and I had to say that he was factually correct but perhaps it's better to have a think before saying things and consider if it might make someone sad.

But I do think my SIL is bonkers mad

OP posts:
BlueKarou · 28/06/2017 22:56

That's very astute of your son. It's a shame your nephew took it in a way it doesn't seem to have been meant. Hopefully they'll get past this and get back to being happy chums and your sister in law will learn that kids have disagreements and misunderstandings like the rest of us.

Fwiw, my cousin is my best friend and is probably closer to me than my sister, despite not living particularly close when we were young. Sometimes things turn out that way, sometimes they don't.

missiondecision · 28/06/2017 22:56

She's a little bit sensitive and maybe feels slightly guilty for not wanting to provide him with a brother of his own.
What's to say to that text?
Nothing. Fact is fact.
I was closer to my cousin than my sister growing up. Best not to fall out about this.

RB68 · 28/06/2017 22:58

just respond that you are aware of what happened and you explained to DN at the time and you have addressed it with DS. DS understands how he upset DN and is sorry. But at the end of the day whilst they are close they are not brothers in reality. But its great that they do have a close bond - anything else is going to damage the relationship and that would be a great shame. DN is probably feeling a little left out being an only. It was around that age mt DD really felt not having siblings and adopted her best friends family!

Haffdonga · 28/06/2017 23:14

OK, from the other side - as an only child I desperately craved a sibling relationship and was very close to my cousins. I fantasised that I was as close to them as siblings and my parents would go along with the facade saying 'you don't needs siblings because your cousins are just like having siblings.'

Sounds like your BILand SIL are creating a similar fantasy for their ds because they feel guilty that they've chosen to keep him an only. They are however totally batshit to expect you and your dc to maintain the same pretence.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 28/06/2017 23:27

See this is the sort of crap that i have no patience for and would likely respond by telling my SiL to grow up! Itvwas dealt with at the time therefore over and done with. Plus why should you police your son's relationship. Sounds like you know where your nephew ia getting his sensitivities from. I'd probably also be inclined to say that if she thought my children were so mean and rude for stating facts then perhaps them not being so close would be fine.

MatildaTheCat · 28/06/2017 23:34

I'm betting your DN has said to his parents that he wishes he has a brother or sister and they've said that his cousins are just as close as brothers to him.

So when he repeated this and was told, no, that's actually incorrect he would have felt upset. His mother also would have felt upset for him.

Nobody has been mean and SIL has certainly been a bit odd to text you. Can you reply that all the boys are very much loved and how nice it is that they are all so close and loving as a family? It doesn't sit well with me that one little may boy feel sad and less loved because of the wording used. You can all show him through actions how much he is valued and as the boys all grow and develop more outside friendships it will matter less.

Donttouchthethings · 29/06/2017 12:58

I would just reply that ds didn't mean to cause any upset, he was just trying to explain their biological relationship. He also has to live with never being a twin.

I wouldn't get too involved as it sounds mental. However, I would be vigilant and not tolerate ds being accused of being mean etc - don't let them make him the scapegoat for their nonsense.

Scrumpernickel · 29/06/2017 13:09

I'd probably also be inclined to say that if she thought my children were so mean and rude for stating facts then perhaps them not being so close would be fine.

I definitely wouldn't do that. Nothing to be gained by indulging a flash of anger like that.

3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 29/06/2017 13:13

I texted her this morning and said to her that DS meant no harm but he was just stating the truth. I mentioned the part about the twins and him not being part of that particular relationship. Mentioned that they're all still close.

She replied with "well don't let DS upset him like that again"

They chose not to give him a brother or sister and I can't stop DS from stating the truth! Hmm

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 29/06/2017 13:14

I feel like I've been dragged into a strange argument that biology and genetics would set straight!

Welcome to the modern world. There's a lot of it about.

Just tell her firmly that your DS was not being mean. He was just describing family relationships factually. If she wants to carry on being mad, keep your distance.

SerfTerf · 29/06/2017 13:17

She replied with "well don't let DS upset him like that again"

Oh she's a nut-nut. That really is deranged. You'll hear more of this, I think.

Thekissbyklimt13 · 29/06/2017 13:18

Well yes, your in laws were a little bonkers to make such a big deal out of it.

One of my younger nephews will often refer to himself as my DS's brother. Obviously it is factually incorrect however DS (10) finds it a compliment as he quite likes eating in a big-brother role, and wouldn't dream of upsetting Dnephew by correcting him

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Thekissbyklimt13 · 29/06/2017 13:18

*being not eating!

HipsterHunter · 29/06/2017 13:20

Can you speak on the phone to your brother and be like WFT is up with SiL?

MakeItStopNeville · 29/06/2017 13:26

I know an only child woman who, to this day, always introduces herself as her cousins' "almost sibling" despite the fact it clearly irritates her cousins.

Your son did absolutely nothing wrong and if he was feeling protective of his own sibling relationship, that's ok! It doesn't mean your nephew is excluded, just facts are facts.

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