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AIBU?

To avoid ex-MiL/FiL

48 replies

Sadik · 28/06/2017 17:13

Was going to say AIBU not to want to see them (really MiL - she'll be driving this), but not much I can do about how I feel (at least short term). But should I grit teeth and meet up with them anyway?

Background (sorry a bit long). Split from ex-H of 25 yrs last year after ongoing affair / EA on his part. One late teenage dc who lives 50:50 with each of us, so me not seeing them won't affect access to GC. They live 7+ hours drive away, in the past we saw them around 3-4 times per year.

Ex-H avoids them as much as possible, not unreasonably IMO, though in the couple of years before we split I bullied him into encouraged him to invite them for Christmas as they're quite elderly now and his siblings were abroad/otherwise occupied.

After we split they rang my parents several times (who they've had minimal contact with over the duration of our marriage due to us living many miles away from both of them) telling them that there wasn't an OW involved, ex-H blameless etc. My DM was very much 'yeah yeah whatever' and just didn't say much as didn't want to run down her son/shatter illusions. I've basically avoided ex-Mil other than a couple of very very brief phone conversations to thank for xmas presents.

Whenever she visits ex-H now she emails - and has today now put a note through my door - asking to meet up for tea and a chat. I don't feel I have anything to say to her or want to be involved with her - I didn't want to see her when we were married, ex-H didn't want to see her then (he works VERY long hours whenever she visits), and doesn't want to now, and I definitely don't want to meet up for tea!!! But AIBU / or at least mean to a woman who is difficult but now really quite elderly?

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Lymmmummy · 28/06/2017 17:16

I think it might depend on what PIL relationship is with your son and whether avoiding them totally would damage or impact this

It could be she didn't know the full story regarding the affair or it could be she is deliberately telling lies to your parents - either is possible

Sadik · 28/06/2017 17:18

Lymm, I'm quite certain she doesn't know the full story regarding the affair! I don't think it would do anyone any benefit for her to know it, but I would find it very hard to lie directly (one reason I don't want to see her).

Whether I see them or not won't impact on their relationship with ex-H at all - they want to come by and visit me whilst visiting him for a few days.

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Sadik · 28/06/2017 17:21

I don't really know why they want to see me tbh - we were never close in any way (just as one example, they had photos up in their house taken at our wedding, but just DH with his siblings, none with me in).

The only thing I can think is that they've now realised that I was - in true wifework fashion - actually making quite a lot of DH's contact with them happen.

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BenLui · 28/06/2017 17:22

Could it be that she feels guilty on behalf of her son that he treated you badly and wants to meet with you to sort if make amends?

I can imagine that my MIL would feel that way. She'd want a relationship with her grandchild's mother in those circumstances I'm sure.

Lymmmummy · 28/06/2017 17:24

Sorry I meant will it impact your sons access or opinion of them?

I don't feel you should be oblidged to see them if you'd rather not - I know some people are more difficult as they age but generally difficult people have always been difficult from a young age and can often be aware of themselves being difficult but believe they are entitled to behave in such a way.

Ditto without them knowing the truth of the break up perhaps they are hoping to persuade you to reconcile with exDH

If you don't want to see them I wouldn't if you do then limit it and perhaps allude to your husband moving on if they try and push the reconciliation agenda

superfluffyanimal · 28/06/2017 17:26

In your shoes I would probably meet her and find out what she has to say. A brief tea in a café/coffee shop environment. It might be cathartic?

It might be ok, you might get an opportunity to get your position that your ex DH is now in sole charge of keeping in touch with them and their GDC is now old enough for them to maintain their own contact.

Sadik · 28/06/2017 17:27

Ex-H moved pretty much straight in with OW, so I can't imagine that they're expecting a reconciliation Confused

They're not difficult because elderly (would be very mean to avoid for that reason) - basically they're sugar sweet whilst treating some other family members extremely badly in a way that they could never understand was bad. Not sure that makes total sense but you get the drift!

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Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 28/06/2017 17:28

Quite honestly, I would ignore or tell the ex to say that you're not interested. I don't see why you should put yourself out for someone who you don't care about, just because she's elderly. What's the point in seeing her?

Yvetteballs · 28/06/2017 17:29

Her prime concern will always be her son, so if she wants to see you it will. E linked to that concern rather than wanting to see you personally.

She's probably unnerved because she doesn't know what you and others are saying about him. She probably feels a bit powerless and thinks that if she sees you she can get more of a handle on what gone on.
Once she's seen you and established your position, she can we e that into her narrative about why her boy is blameless.

You could put her out of her misery and see her. I'd be tempted not to bother.

Sadik · 28/06/2017 17:29

Wouldn't mind cafe, but they don't do paid for coffees/meals (even if someone else paying!) and it certainly won't be brief if they come here . . .

I'm wondering if I should offer to go up to where they're staying and drop by. That might be easiest, as you say, just grit my teeth and get it over with.

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Yvetteballs · 28/06/2017 17:30

Apologies for typos. We e that should read weave that.

Sadik · 28/06/2017 17:30

I've already made ex tell her really definitively to stop calling my parents (mum was very ill at the time and really didn't want to deal with). I think he probably has told them I don't want to be in contact but less bluntly and she's ignored!

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ohfourfoxache · 28/06/2017 17:31

Fuck it: why should you see them?

They aren't your family anymore so you're rid of them Grin

Sadik · 28/06/2017 17:31

Thing is, I really don't care if she thinks her son is blameless, I'm absolutely certain if it was my DC I'd be 200% on their side. I just don't want to have to play along with it!!!

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Yvetteballs · 28/06/2017 17:32

She sound like a pita. Just don't bother.

Lymmmummy · 28/06/2017 17:32

I think given all that I would probably just say you don't think it's helpful/appropriate /whatever to see them or simply make yourself busy to avoid them

If you want to see them fine but if not don't - not sure why on earth PIL phoned your parents that in itself would put me off then

Sadik · 28/06/2017 17:32

ohfourfoxache

I have to say the two main benefits I could see when this all came out with then-H was that I wouldn't have to pick up after him and I wouldn't have to see his parents any more!!! (His siblings are absolutely lovely and I am still in contact with)

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LanaDReye · 28/06/2017 17:33

I don't see my exPIL. They wre controlling and manipulative hard work. It doesn't sound as though you want to see them?

ohfourfoxache · 28/06/2017 17:34

I can relate to that tbh.

As gut-wrenchingly awful I think I would find divorce, not having to ever see MIL again would be one hell of a silver lining Grin

Sadik · 28/06/2017 17:40

Right, I think I've got my head clear. I've spoken to ex-H and agreed that we'll have coffee with them together tomorrow which should limit their conversational options Grin (plus I can bugger off after a quick cuppa and leave him with them)

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4yoniD · 28/06/2017 17:40

My vote is either don't, or phone and try to get the gist of it by phone. So much easier to make excuses and hang up if required. Not sure what's in it for you except the chance of high blood pressure.

GreenTulips · 28/06/2017 17:41

Do you want to go?

No? Then don't - stop overthinking it

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Sadik · 28/06/2017 17:43

The trouble is if I don't go unless I'm blunt to the point of rudeness they'll just turn up on my doorstep . . .

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Chloe84 · 28/06/2017 17:43

Have you ever met her after the split? Maybe she needs cliche alert closure? Or maybe she knows you are in contact with her other DC and doesn't understand why you're not in contact with her?

I wouldn't go out of my way for her but a brief coffee might help to pit this to bed.

ohfourfoxache · 28/06/2017 17:44

Jeez, you're more tolerant than I am Shock

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