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To expect a bit more loyalty from my friends?

(29 Posts)
DefinitelyMolly Wed 28-Jun-17 15:03:56

I go on a night out or a weekend away a few times a year with a big group of friends that I know from college days.

For the past few years one friend has been bringing along a friend of hers, who didn't seem to like me from the off and has always made digs and nasty comments about me, taken the piss out of me and generally been a cow. However for the sake of the friendship group I've just let it go, ignored her comments, tried to stay as far away from her at the table etc as possible and just got on with it really.

About a month ago we all went on a weekend away and she got drunk quite a lot and really ramped up her behaviour towards me and was very nasty, piss taking about me all through dinner on one of the nights. We then all went on to a bar and she got more drunk and when I was sitting chatting to some other friends came over and tried to slap me round the face!

I asked her what the hell she was doing and was immediately told to 'leave it' by everyone else and she was ushered off to another group of friends and just basically treated by everyone in as friendly a manner as she always had been.

The next day when I got home I was thinking about it all, and none of our mutual friends have a) ever intervened when she's been a cunt to me when we've been out, they've just sat there and let her behave like it and b) no one pulled her up on being utterly awful to me that night and trying to slap me! A couple of them have actually said to me that they're sure she didn't mean to try to slap me and that life's too short to bear a grudge and that she's very upset about it, poor thing! No one's shown me the slightest bit of sympathy or niceness about the whole thing even though I did nothing!

I'm not a confrontational person at all! I hate fallings out and conflict!

I feel now really that I should distance myself from the lot of them and stop going on nights out and weekends away, but then she's won really hasn't she?

ArchieStar Wed 28-Jun-17 15:11:36

Have it out with them. Ask them wtf?!

Whenyouseeit Wed 28-Jun-17 15:46:16

I would distance yourself & find better friends. People who expect you to take being picked on & even attacked aren't a 'prize' worth winning. Once I let go of bad friends, Ive started to find really good friends who are just lovely and treat me so well. Its been a revelation

SmitheringSmithison Wed 28-Jun-17 15:51:17

Your 'friends' are a bunch of cunts. Drop the lot of them, you're worth a hell of a lot more.

nuggetofchicken Wed 28-Jun-17 15:58:35

Get some new friends. These are cunts.

PumpkinPiloter Wed 28-Jun-17 15:59:14

Unfortunately this ^^^

RhubardGin Wed 28-Jun-17 16:00:04

You need to message them and ask what the hell is going on.

Their response will tell you whether you should continue being friends with them.

I can't believe she tried to slap you and your friends made out like you were the problem, shocking!

PumpkinPiloter Wed 28-Jun-17 16:02:23

Although I would say there is a fairly big difference between an attempted slap and an actual slap. If she wanted to slap you I am sure she would have.

mintich Wed 28-Jun-17 16:03:21

I wouldn't be happy at all! Have it out with them! X

RhubardGin Wed 28-Jun-17 16:06:11

And to add, it almost sounds like they know something you don't.

Did you date her ex? Have a friend she dislikes? Could she be jealous of your status in the group?

Nobody acts like this for no reason.

Jupitar Wed 28-Jun-17 16:10:14

I'd have told her where to go a long time ago.

Message a couple of the friends that you're closest too and then as pps have said decide depending on the response. Make it clear how you feel and that you are thinking of not meeting up any more so there's no misunderstanding.

Good luck I hope it gets resolved

SorrelSoup Wed 28-Jun-17 16:16:49

They're scared of her and don't want to rock the boat. Most people are like this. I would message them detailing all of her behaviour and ask them what's going on. I would expect this to end the friendship though because if they were going to go out on a limb for you they would have done it by now.

VestalVirgin Wed 28-Jun-17 16:26:41

I feel now really that I should distance myself from the lot of them and stop going on nights out and weekends away, but then she's won really hasn't she?

Only if you think those people are good friends who are worth keeping. Which ... I don't think.

Is there anyone who just sat there and did nothing and might be secretly ashamed of not having said anything? Perhaps there's someone you can still stay friends with.

But those who tried to excuse her behaviour ... get rid of them. Not worth it.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain Wed 28-Jun-17 16:28:12

I was going to suggest they are scared of her. Maybe she has pulled this type of stunt, or worse, with them.
I'd speak to your closest friend in this group one on one about it. Don't be accusing, just try to find out what on earth is going on.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Wed 28-Jun-17 16:35:54

It suits your friends to maintain the status quo. While the 'friend' is picking on you she isn't doing it to any of them, so they're happy to have you as the fall guy.

If you do leave the group she'll have to find another victim, and the rest of them will probably be happy to throw her new target to the wolves too.

Anotherdayanotherusername Wed 28-Jun-17 17:10:45

I too think it's probable that the others are intimidated by her and don't intervene because they are relieved it's not them. I had similar with a group I was in - one woman made it very clear she disliked me and would make rude remarks, belittle and exclude. The others appeared to worship the ground she walked on, she was a real Queen Bee type. Eventually, I could take it no more and just stopped meeting up with them. I did find out ages after that the others eventually grew sick of her and told her to get lost! I kind of regretted not saying anything but then I might not have met the friends I have now.

As others suggested, I would tell those closest to you how you feel and that you are thinking of leaving the group. Their response will tell you all you need to know....

Bonez Wed 28-Jun-17 17:22:50

I feel like the cow has a problem with you that the others seem to be aware of but are more interested in keeping the peace than trying to help resolve anything.

TheWitTank Wed 28-Jun-17 17:30:57

I also would message your closest friend in the group and ask what the hell is going on? I certainly wouldn't be going on any further nights out with her if she was going to try and physically assault me!

MamaHanji Wed 28-Jun-17 17:34:38

Your friends are shit. Yes she is a nasty bitch but they are meant to be friends and are clearly two faced bitches.

Find new friends and either confront the old ones or just cut all contact. You deserve better than those friends.

paddypants13 Wed 28-Jun-17 17:36:11

I would start to distance myself from the group and find new friends. I would never let someone treat my friends that way. If they ask you why you don't go out with them anymore, tell them straight.

TealStar Wed 28-Jun-17 17:37:48

Good god, a woman like that would have no place in my life, and neither would a bunch of jellyfish! Time to move on; they all deserve each other.

Henrysmycat Wed 28-Jun-17 18:43:23

Maybe that's a new skill you could teach yourself; get it out of your chest and tell them straight. If they are cunts, they'll ignore you and tell you to get over it, in which case, go find better friends. It happened to me. (Someone was trying to bully me, I had it out with the company and they were indifferent)
They might be genuinely sorry and see how it goes in the future.
I'm surprised you didn't fight back. Someone come to slap my face, they'd be in A&E soon after. Don't be a doormat.

mummymummums Wed 28-Jun-17 18:59:10

You need to walk away. If anyone asks why you've distanced yourself, tell them. If they value you, they'll sort it out.
It won't end well if you just ask them for an explanation as they already made excuses for her when she tried to slap you so they're not about to listen.
If

Madwoman5 Wed 28-Jun-17 19:08:45

Ask the friend who brought her if she thinks her behaviour towards you is acceptable. I am sure no one likes a bawdy, violent mare upsetting the applecart and she has made the situation untenable for you. If she jumps to her defence then ask her why she thinks you should have to look over your shoulder the whole time in case she turns violent. Not your idea of fun. If she agrees then ask her to stop inviting her along as it is putting people in an awkward situation. Simply put, no one wants to be the bad person who excludes her. I guarantee they are as tired of her as you are. The other alternative is to continue to go but when she starts on you use the mn standard responses
Did you mean to be so rude?
Why come if you can't behave like a civilised person?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
Do ...not ....Ever.... raise your hand to me again.<big smile>
If all else fails
Fuck off to the far side of fuckoff forest then when you get there, fuck off a lot further

Fluffypinkpyjamas Wed 28-Jun-17 19:19:05

Nobody acts like this for no reason

hmm well er yes they do , just because they can, because they are nasty and get away with it because the other ''friends'' are spineless and say nothing.

I am sorry OP, I think you deserve better friends.

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