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AIBU?

To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

435 replies

ShabuShabu · 28/06/2017 06:51

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

  1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"


  1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.


AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.
OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 28/06/2017 06:54

How did you find out about 2

Cocklodger · 28/06/2017 06:55

I'd have a very stern word tbh

Cocklodger · 28/06/2017 06:56

Then if no improvement I'd take it higher to one of your superiors

Iambubbles86 · 28/06/2017 06:56

You are not being unreasonable on either point as you are senior to her but if I'm honest point 1 would grind on me. I think that insisting on someone calling you by your title and last name reeks of you lording your authority over them (I realise that you say its due to your culture and not your intention but if someone of british culture did that to me I'd think they were trying to put me in my place. I'd respect it, but I'd lose respect for them iyswim). On point 2 you are completely not unreasonable, highly unprofessional of her and I would have thought it would be a disciplinary offence

OliviaStabler · 28/06/2017 06:57

Both are unacceptable. You need to sit her down for a chat and make sure she realises that you won't accept either behaviour from her.

FloatyCat · 28/06/2017 06:57

Tell the assistant to stop doing these things. You are correct, very unprofessional

Confusedandintrigued · 28/06/2017 07:00

No 2. No 2. No 2.

For that reason alone, I'd want her gone.

SallyGinnamon · 28/06/2017 07:00

With point 1 as long as everyone calls you Mrs X then YANBU. Definitely not bring U with point 2. Gossiping is a definite no-no!

Asmoto · 28/06/2017 07:01

Gossiping about your personal life is absolutely not on. You need to nip this in the bud and tell her it is unacceptable (I am assuming here that you are certain she is the source of any gossip). I think gossiping about confidential information is unacceptable whoever is doing it - it would be equally wrong for you to gossip about her - and if you have qualms about your 'rank' you can make this point clear when you speak to your PA.

How she addresses you is a less clear-cut area - I don't mean that she shouldn't address you by your chosen name - I think everyone, regardless of position in the workplace hierarchy, should have their preferred name respected; however, she might not understand the reasons behind this. I think the name issue is one to tackle with a friendly chat to give her an understanding of your culture.

GinIsIn · 28/06/2017 07:01

I'm have worked as a PA. I would find the name thing quite odd - it's a bit 'boys boarding school in the 1930s'....

For point 2, I would check very clearly - you say she is new. Was she gossiping about your personal request, or was she asking one of the other assistants for help as she is new? Was it a reasonable personal request i.e. Please book a table or drop off some dry cleaning, or an unreasonable one - if it was then again, the assistant might well have been simply checking the request was in line with company policy before going ahead....

ExcuseMyEyebrows · 28/06/2017 07:02

Are you in the UK? If so, wanting to be addressed as your title and surname is just a bit odd in this day and age.

Point 2 is a disciplinary offence, but why don't you keep your personal diary separate from work?

tigerdriverII · 28/06/2017 07:03

You can deal with both by being polite, firm and clear. No1 is easier as you have already asked her not to do this and she's blatantly ignoring your request. Not 'complain queen' at all.

No2 is trickier as you need to have evidence that she's doing it. But yes, it's unprofessional. Again, you can simply request, clearly and politely, that it doesn't happen again.

You are, presumably, her line manager and she would be obliged to follow your reasonable instructions. Both of those requests are reasonable.

Good luck

GinIsIn · 28/06/2017 07:03

Also what field do you work in? Point 1 might fly if you are a stockbroker for example or a doctor, but would be downright odd if you work in the media or arts.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/06/2017 07:04

YANBU. Item 2 in particular sounds like written warning behaviour. Item 1 YANBU about, people should call you what you prefer to be called, but I think it can be difficult to insist on something that is outside the cultural norm of your workplace (which I'm assuming it is) so it's harder to handle. It doesn't bode well for a long term respectful relationship though.

Is she new to the company or just new to you? If the former, that's worrying but also more reason to get things sorted officially, quickly. If the latter and she's actually new to this sort of work, then you can take it as a training moment. But they are both really basic issues, so I would want to be very firm immediately, don't let it drag on. Are you here direct manager? Can HR give you some support?

greendale17 · 28/06/2017 07:05

For point 2 alone I would get rid of her. You cannot trust her

FinallyThroughTheRoof · 28/06/2017 07:06

Its truly xenophobic to refer to different cultural ways as "odd". She needs to respect them. And so do people here

Yoghurtflavours · 28/06/2017 07:08

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ememem84 · 28/06/2017 07:10

I don't think it's odd for people to be called by their last name. Most of dhs friends do it. Although this is a hang up from their school days (private boys school). So I know them all by their surnames only.

There's someone in my office who we refer to by his surname. Not "mr surname" just surname e.g. "Stephens" not unheard of.

I'd have more of an issue with point 2. And would absolutely be having words about that.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 28/06/2017 07:11

OP when you said you were referred to by your surname I thought you meant it literally, as in your name is Sarah Smith and you want to be called Smith. Can you clarify?

GinIsIn · 28/06/2017 07:12

Finally if something massively jars against workplace culture it would seem odd, yes. I worked as a PA in some big international companies with many cultures, and never encountered anyone who wanted to be addressed as Mrs/Mr X by even their close coworkers, so it would seem unusual.

Finding something unusual or odd is not inherently Xenophobic, you know.

BigYellowJumper · 28/06/2017 07:12

shabu I am guessing from your name that you are either Korean or Japanese or possibly elsewhere in East Asia. Since my husband is Korean, I do feel kind of qualified to talk on this. (Even if you're not from one of those countries, Koreans only use first names with younger people/people they are friends with, so I get where you are coming from.)

I realise that using first names seems weird, but if you are in the UK, I do think that sometimes you have to adapt to some stuff that feels odd and unprofessional. Just as I am far more polite and formal to my mother-in-law than would ever be expected in the UK, I do think that you need to accept that we just call people by their first name, and that no disrespect is meant by it. We show our respect in other ways.

Whenever I have had a boss in Korea who insists on me calling him/her 'Mr Kim' or 'Mrs Lee' while they merrily use my first name without even an honorific attached, it grates on me, because it seems so unfair. I'm not Korean, so I don't even get an honorific, but they get to use an English honorific? It has resulted in a lot of bosses losing respect from westerners I work with.

At my husband's job, they just add honorifics to their first names: so Min Ho Ssi or Min Ho Nim, even for bosses. Things like that are changing in Korea. I don't know what the equivalents are in other languages, but could that be a possibility? That she adds the honorific to your first name?

Forgive me if I have over-stepped the mark, but I have seen both sides. No-one expects you to just disregard your culture completely, but when you are in a different culture, you do have to adapt, even though it seems odd. I didn't think I would ever get used to jumping up to fill my parents in laws glasses with water, or to be expected to listen to my father in law talking without offering any sort of opinion, but I have adapted and it's fine.

The second part - terrible behaviour and I would expect her to get in trouble for that.

ClashCityRocker · 28/06/2017 07:14

With the cultural thing, I've know some Asian gentlemen whose full name is Eg Gulem Mustafa and they are known only as Mustafa? I've come across that before and it's different to insisting on being called Mr Mustafa....kind of like someone using their middle name instead of the first.

In that case yanbu.

And the second point you are definitely not being unreasonable.

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StoorieHoose · 28/06/2017 07:15

Why should your personal scheduling include snippets of your personal life? If you don't want her knowing your snippets you give her a list of times you will be unavailable. I hope you are not asking her to organise your personal life too ie dentist appointments - she is only there to assist you in your work life surely?

BigYellowJumper · 28/06/2017 07:16

finally As I said above, my husband is Korean, and I would be mortified if he insisted on junior members of staff in the UK calling him by his surname.

Cultures have to give and take both ways, and if you are the 'outsider' (horrible word but can't think of a better one), I think it is fair to adapt to reasonable cultural expectations.

stonecircle · 28/06/2017 07:16

No 1 sounds unreasonable of you. No 2 - depends what and if it was a one off.

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