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To not invite the boy who terrorises my son at school to his party?!

(153 Posts)
OohMavis Tue 27-Jun-17 08:51:11

A no-brainer, you would think. This boy swears at, makes racial slurs at, hits, shoves and generally abuses my son. Despite this, DS has tried to be his friend, in the way that 6yos do. No amount of 'stay away from him' and confidence-boosting activities etc, has really helped, unfortunately. I've been in close contact with the teacher but to be honest, she hasn't been very effective in stopping his behaviour.

So I just try to help DS day-to-day deal with the situations he comes up against with this boy. It's actually been improving the last month or so, DS has started to really hold his own a bit.

Anyway. DS has a birthday coming up and we've booked him a party. Invites went out a couple of weeks ago to the children on the list DS wrote, not including this boy for obvious reasons. This was difficult for DS, who wanted to invite him because 'he'll be really angry if I don't, he'll push me' angry

DS says the boy realised he's not invited and has been very upset with him. Trying to snatch the invitations from other people, generally being not very nice about it. Expected.

But now his mother has messaged me on Facebook demanding to know why her son is being purposefully excluded. She's written all over the closed FB school group about 'someone' excluding her son and how upset he is. She's asked on our local community page if the venue we've chosen for DS' party allows members of the public in during certain times (the time of the party).

I'm fucking gobsmacked tbh. I've never encountered anyone like her in my life.

HumpHumpWhale Tue 27-Jun-17 08:54:00

Unless you've invited the whole class except this boy, YANBU. I think I'd just be honest with her. And if she kicks off, be honest on facebook, too. He's only 6, he's getting the racial slurs from somewhere and if it's not her, she needs to know about it.

Only1scoop Tue 27-Jun-17 08:54:00

I take it he's not the only DC not invited from his class?

dinosaursandtea Tue 27-Jun-17 08:54:02

I think we can see where that kid gets his behaviour from...

StumpyScot92 Tue 27-Jun-17 08:54:49

If you are only inviting some of the class then YANBU, if you are inviting all of the class except him then YABU but from your post I don't think that's the case.

Does this mum know her son bullies yours? She may hear a different story at home about how they're friends or something. I'd message her explaining your reasoning politely and see where things go from there.

Although messaging the venue is weird as fuck

dinosaursandtea Tue 27-Jun-17 08:55:18

Even if he IS the only child - actions have consequences. If I was his parent, I'd sit down and explain that if you're rude and push people and say bad words, they won't want to be friends with you.

honeysucklejasmine Tue 27-Jun-17 08:55:21

How many other children are not invited?

Crumbs1 Tue 27-Jun-17 08:55:35

The parents have the most influence on the child's behaviour - which is why the lad is as he is. Perhaps you should respond and explain exactly why he has not been invited, although I suspect she would choose not to hear. I also suspect other parents are also rolling their eyes and understand full well without explanation. My guess is that it's not only you and your son that experience her problematic behaviour.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves Tue 27-Jun-17 08:55:53

Does she know that her son is making racist remarkers and generally bullying your DC? Why would then invite him to play? He can't be rewarded for that behaviour, and if she doesn't understand that then she seems like a bit of a moron really. Or a bully herself.

I'd contact her privately (probably an email/FB message so it's clear) outlining the reasons he's been excluded so she can explain it to him, then if he changes his ways he is more than welcome to come next time.

OohMavis Tue 27-Jun-17 08:55:55

No, DS has a lot of cousins and a limit of 22 children for the party so invitations given out at school were limited. He's one of many children not invited.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Tue 27-Jun-17 08:56:09

I can't believe she doesn't know her son has been causing trouble with yours. Didn't the teacher call her in and speak about his behaviour to her?

Is he the only one not invited from the whole class op?

Is your DS the only child he targets in school?

ShatnersWig Tue 27-Jun-17 08:56:19

See, I'd respond on the closed FB school group saying her son has not been invited because of his behaviour (and list it). But that would probably just inflame the situation.

I don't understand why, if you feel the teacher has not been effective, you've not taken it higher with the headteacher though.

honeysucklejasmine Tue 27-Jun-17 08:57:37

In which case I would reply to her message and explain "only X amount of children from school are invited. Unfortunately your son is not one of them because he's a bully "

Not that you owe her an explanation.

originalbiglymavis Tue 27-Jun-17 08:57:46

Has his parents been contacted by the school? Are they aware of his bullying and racist comments? Maybe mum needs to be enlightened (not on Facebook obviously it it will turn into a massive slanging match!).

It explains his behaviour though. I'd stand my ground to be honest there. Do not reward bullies or bully mums.

wizzywig Tue 27-Jun-17 08:58:07

Thats a difficult situation op.

Only1scoop Tue 27-Jun-17 08:58:25

I'd say nothing at all.

Her rantings will speak absolute volumes.

Maintain a dignified silence.

putdownyourphone Tue 27-Jun-17 08:59:21

So have you told her what her son does to your son?

Ineedmorelemonpledge Tue 27-Jun-17 08:59:23

Sorry cross posted with your reply OP.

So you've got two paths here - you could make it clear publicly that not all kids have been invited due to numbers and costs. Or you could message her as other posters have said and tell her that you're not happy with his behaviour to your son and therefore can't see why you'd invite him to your DS party on that basis.

She does sound like a fruit loop though!

GherkinSnatch Tue 27-Jun-17 08:59:47

Given the circumstances, even if he was the only one from the whole class to not be invited I'd think you were justified. It's obvious where the boy gets his behaviour from, and while he needs help etc not at your DS's expense.

SolomanDaisy Tue 27-Jun-17 09:01:36

I think you should respond. There were a limited number of invitations for people from school and given her son's behaviour you didn't invite him. She needs to be confronted with it. I hope the venue isn't open to the public!

DeadGood Tue 27-Jun-17 09:01:52

I wouldn't reply, but I would be getting in touch with the venue and asking how separate your space will be on the day of the party.

Bobbybobbins Tue 27-Jun-17 09:02:59

I would check with teacher that she is aware of her son's behaviour. If she is then I would send a private message with something like "if you are referring to my son's party on Facebook then unfortunately we have not been able to invite several children from the class, and due to the fact that the boys are not close friends, we haven't invited him". I would not get drawn into any kind of argument.

If she is not aware then the teacher needs to make her so quickly. If she won't do this then you need to speak to the head.

I would also mention party situation to his teacher.

DividedKingdom Tue 27-Jun-17 09:03:05


I'd reply with a private message to her advising her to speak to the teacher directly if she is unaware of why her son has not been invited, as several serious (and ongoing) incidents have occurred which have had to be documented and you'd appreciate her involvement in ensuring they do not happen again.

IJustLostTheGame Tue 27-Jun-17 09:04:55

Yanbu even if he is the only boy not invited.
I'm not afraid of confrontation so I probably would cite the reasons he isn't invited on Facebook.

MiddleClassProblem Tue 27-Jun-17 09:05:08

I would probably respond by saying unfortunately we only had limited numbers and could only invite half the class.

If the school have been involved than surely she knows what's been happening?

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