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Wedding invite/ begging poem.

(295 Posts)
Rriot Mon 26-Jun-17 10:08:15

We have been invited to a wedding. Evening invite only.

The invitation included a tacky poem asking for cash gifts. (Guests invited to the whole day didn't get a begging letter poem hmm)

The bottom line is, we can't really afford to give cash. Generally I'd put my feelings about this type of request aside and give what was asked for but I think the very small amount we can afford to give will look mean.

My alternatives are to give a cheap but nice gift, or donate to the charity that I know is close to the family's heart. I don't want to give a wrapped present if we will be the only ones who do so, not sure how they will feel about a donation to charity.

WWYD?

thethoughtfox Tue 16-Jan-18 18:25:26

We got lovely Mr and Mrs mugs from a girl who was my sister's plus one. It was a great present and we loved using them- and used them a lot more than most of our other presents.

bummypicklemummy Tue 16-Jan-18 17:37:32

Zombie thread!

bemusedSpectator Tue 16-Jan-18 16:16:42

Go and give what you can afford - even if that's nothing.

90% of our guests were evening guests because of our wedding and we got everything from just a card up to £1,000. None meant more than the others.

user1485342611 Tue 16-Jan-18 15:56:11

Cash requests on invitations are always rude, but they're doubly rude on an Evening invite.

Els1e Tue 16-Jan-18 15:50:23

I admit I haven’t read all the thread so someone might have suggested this. I was invited to an evening do for a wedding and had the same dilemma. I bought £10 mixed bundle of scratch cards and put them in the wedding card. The couple ended up with £55 and did say they enjoyed revealing the winnings (or lack of). However nothing wrong with giving £10.

nannybeach Tue 16-Jan-18 10:02:03

I hate receiving wedding invites and a gift list, I think its damn rude. Last one we went to was a very specific list from John Lewes, really expensive stuff. They were really well off, my DH had just been made redundant, the wedding was a long way off, we couldnt afford the hotel, had a huge journey, gave them a gift voucher for M & S £25, which we could hardlly afford, but the only thing we could afford on the JL list was a teaspoon or flannel. We didnt want to go because of above, were told by MIL we HAD to go because it was family.

BlackberryandNettle Mon 03-Jul-17 21:45:28

Especially if you found the invitation tacky and think the family will discuss and judge the gift amount. Just decline!

BlackberryandNettle Mon 03-Jul-17 21:44:19

Haven't read the whole thread. But from the op the answer is obvious - don't go

Rriot Mon 03-Jul-17 21:06:44

I absolutely don't object to an evening only invite at all. I understand there are many reasons why people prefer/ need to keep the ceremony and breakfast smaller.

I was just feeling very anxious/ embarrassed about how little I can afford to give in cash, I figured giving a gift or an unspecified donation to their special charity might be better and look less tight- especially as I know the couple and their family are not very discreet and will talk if they think someone has been stingy.

Thanks for all the replies and ideas, I'm still thinking it over but seeing that some people have received £10 in a card and were perfectly happy/grateful has changed my mind a bit.

Colacolaaddict Mon 03-Jul-17 11:53:10

flickerty at least it's an easy decline. They may not be expecting people to accept.

I think I'd rather that - IF they are relaxed about people declining - than be invited to the whole day of someone who gets all offended if we choose not to accept..

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 03-Jul-17 11:34:48

flickerty frankly they must be insane hmm

I'd definitely expect them to hold a party when they get back, though - which they'll no doubt expect someone else to pay for. After all, I doubt they'll want to miss out on any gifts the evening invitees might have provided ...

flickerty Mon 03-Jul-17 11:28:30

Puzzled nope, it's the evening do in Greece. The package for the wedding they bought only covers 20 guests and that's taken up by immediate families so.... the rest of us are welcome to come and join the evening celebrations at the (expensive) hotel afterwards 🙃

It beggars belief!!!

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 03-Jul-17 11:03:09

flickerty please tell me that what they're referring to is an evening "do" when they return from the wedding in Greece?

They surely can't think that you'd go all that way for an evening only ... can they?? confused

lazyarse123 Mon 03-Jul-17 10:48:44

We went to a relatives wedding recently, they did put a note in (not a tacky poem) just saying they didn't want gifts just our company. We put £10.00 as that was all we could afford. Two weeks later we got a nice card thanking us for our gift. I would donate to charity for them, they would have to be real arses to object.

flickerty Mon 03-Jul-17 09:21:53

Great news everyone ! I just received an evening invite to a wedding next year (complete with poem)
Ok, not so bad you might think. Except this wedding is in GREECE.

Huh?! You want me to fly to Greece pay expensive accommodation (Mykonos) and only invite me to the evening party?!?! angry

Mrsglitterfairy Sun 02-Jul-17 14:20:55

This whole thing about 'tacky money poems' and evening only guests gets boring.
We had 98 people to the day and a further 80 in the evening. We have got some many friends and colleagues that we wanted them to celebrate with us but simply couldn't have them all in the day. Not because we didn't care but because it would have cost a fortune.
We also sent a money poem with our day invites as I know most of our friends and family would rather give money and we would prefer it to gifts as we have lived together for so long. Having said that, we didn't ask for anything from evening guests but if they asked us we did say we would rather money. We ended up getting enough money to pay for French doors in the house and an amazing honeymoon. We didn't expect that much and were so greatful for whatever people gave. Some cards, mainly from evening guests had £5 or £10 but we honestly didn't bat an eyelid. And some guests did give us a bottle or a frame which were lovely and as most people gave money we weren't inundated with frames and glasses so loved the ones we did get.
So in answer to your question OP, your friends will be grateful for, and appreciate, whatever you get them.

Casschops Sun 02-Jul-17 13:21:17

We didn't ask for anything for a wedding present or money. Why are people obsessed with receiving presents. You should be invited to a wedding because people want you there. We got some presents and vouchers and had a donations bucket clearly labeled for the RSPB and Dogs Trust, some people couldn't afford anything but I couldn't give a fig. All people invited to the evening were also day guests because we wanted them there and we love them, not beacuase of presents. Do which you think is right.

Puzzledandpissedoff Sat 01-Jul-17 19:26:14

Only on mumsnet is an evening only invite or a request for cash or a bar where you have to pay considered rude

I agree on the evening invitations and pay bars, but not the requests for cash

Last time I looked it seemed to be the real world outside my window rather than some lost world layer - and practically everyone I've ever discussed this with considers cash requests vulgar in the extreme if they're made without the B&G having been asked what they'd prefer

MrsEricBana Sat 01-Jul-17 16:56:55

Yep £10 in card or tape the card to prettily wrapped bottle of prosecco (surely they know your circs and will be grateful).

expatinscotland Sat 01-Jul-17 16:45:31

That's funny, all the people on here live in the real world,, too, and plenty find it rude as hell to tell people what you want as a gift without being asked first.

backaftera2yearbreak Sat 01-Jul-17 16:39:55

Only on mumsnet is an evening only invite or a request for cash or a bar where you have to pay considered rude. Back in the real world, nobody gives a shit!

crazykitten20 Sat 01-Jul-17 16:31:20

If you have to go to the evening do because otherwise it will cause problems for the rest of your family - explain this to your family and ask them to help you out cash wise.

Alconleigh Sat 01-Jul-17 13:35:52

I think wedding gifts need to be binned as a concept tbh, as the circumstances in which they evolved, in the UK, has gone. Couples aren't setting up home, half the time they already have 2 kids and a dog, the wedding simply isn't that big a deal. Particularly when you keep in mind the divorce rates. Let's not kid ourselves this is happily ever after.

For no other celebration would stating in advance what gifts you want be deemed acceptable. Can you imagine it in a 40th birthday invitation?! Weddings aren't any different.

RuggerHug Sat 01-Jul-17 12:03:04

Yeah Coconut how did you thank people/did everyone just get a 'thanks for your lovely card' with no reference to enclosures?

And about weekday weddings. I was once at one the Tuesday after a bank holiday Monday. That didn't annoy anyone at allhmm

jerrysbellyhangslikejelly Sat 01-Jul-17 11:53:40

Irish Independent has picked up this thread!

www.independent.ie/style/weddings/wedding-guest-left-outraged-after-being-asked-for-cash-gift-with-tacky-poem-in-invite-35880961.html

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