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Wedding invite/ begging poem.

(295 Posts)
Rriot Mon 26-Jun-17 10:08:15

We have been invited to a wedding. Evening invite only.

The invitation included a tacky poem asking for cash gifts. (Guests invited to the whole day didn't get a begging letter poem hmm)

The bottom line is, we can't really afford to give cash. Generally I'd put my feelings about this type of request aside and give what was asked for but I think the very small amount we can afford to give will look mean.

My alternatives are to give a cheap but nice gift, or donate to the charity that I know is close to the family's heart. I don't want to give a wrapped present if we will be the only ones who do so, not sure how they will feel about a donation to charity.

WWYD?

Laiste Mon 26-Jun-17 11:16:56

The way to avoid the mind bending horror of getting duplicate wedding gifts or a gift you don't like is to provide a wedding list upon request with plenty of affordable bits on it or specify no gifts necessary on the invite. Not ask for money!

Does anyone put cash requests on any other type of invite? No. Why? It's rude. No different for weddings IMO.

Laiste Mon 26-Jun-17 11:18:08

I'd rather have nothing than a photo frame

Then why not put that on the invite? hmm It's no less rude than saying cash only please!

BarbaraofSeville Mon 26-Jun-17 11:20:06

Then why not put that on the invite

Because then you get hoardes of people saying 'I couldn't possibly turn up empty handed' and then buy a bloody photo frame.

Laiste Mon 26-Jun-17 11:20:16

The world is divided into people who think asking your guests for money is rude and those who don't.

Say what you like on your invites, but know apx 50% of the recipients will be rolly eyed grin

burnoutbabe Mon 26-Jun-17 11:21:43

if you haven't actually been invited directly, but included in your parents invite, then just shove your name on your parents card and pay nothing!

Or given a gift card which they won't know how much is on it until they go to redeem it!

Namechangearoo Mon 26-Jun-17 11:22:43

We asked for cash at our wedding blush

We got married in the UK, where we are from and all our family lives, and then flew straight home after the wedding. Gifts (even a bottle of fizz) would have been completely wasted as our bags were already loaded to the point of bursting with all the paraphernalia that we'd had to bring over with us.

We didn't write a tacky poem, though - we just explained the above in a polite way (I hope).

We still got some people giving us a gift, and they ended up donated to charity as we hardly ever go back to the UK and when we do our bags are usually stuffed with things we need to take back with us!

Some people literally gave us £10 in a card and we were bloody grateful for it. Only 3 people needed to do this before we could afford a double hammock from IKEA which we both really wanted grin

The wrapped gifts were all nice ideas, but quite honestly we would have preferred £5.

Laiste Mon 26-Jun-17 11:24:09

We put nothing about gifts on our invites. If and when anyone asked we said we didn't need gifts thanks, just bring themselves.

Guess what? Most bunged some money in with their wedding card and that was that. We asked no one for money. We were happy, they were happy.

If anyone had sent us a photo frame we didn't want we'd have thanked them and dealt with it later.

YouOKHun Mon 26-Jun-17 11:25:19

I only give cash to charity. I don't give cash on demand and I think it's so bad mannered to ask for cash. It's obvious that it's going to be awkward for guests who have less money and anyone with any manners wouldn't put you in this position. It's not for the B&G to dictate what gifts they get. They should put up and shut up AND write a proper thank you letter for any gift received (B&Gs not so forthcoming putting pen to paper to say thank you I notice). Aren't people ashamed to look so grabby? Buy a nice card, nowt else.

ZanyMobster Mon 26-Jun-17 11:28:08

Nina2b most decent people are grateful with any gift but why not just suggest a preference, people don't have to follow it. We still had a variety of gifts/cash/vouchers which was lovely. By putting an idea for guest in the invite we got mainly the vouchers we liked but also had some lovely ornaments, photo frames, bubbly etc. It was lovely opening a few surprise gifts but we didn't have 10 of everything. We didn't give a poem BTW, just explained our reasons for asking.

A few people gave nothing which was absolutely fine, we only invited people we wanted to celebrate with, not random long lost relatives etc so their company was truly what we wanted.

ZanyMobster Mon 26-Jun-17 11:30:19

I have to say, I have never received an invite DEMANDING cash, just giving it as a suggestion. That would be totally different.

Not writing thank you notes is bloody rude, regardless of the gift or monetary amount!!!

usernamenonumber Mon 26-Jun-17 11:30:45

Actually the quoted bit from the poem doesn't sound very demanding.
"if you feel you have to"

I wouldn't feel obliged by that, nor take offence.

I love the idea of giving a fridge magnet grin

grasspigeons Mon 26-Jun-17 11:31:10

I wouldn't give a gift you can't afford. I would send a lovely card.

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 26-Jun-17 11:32:01

I sometimes wonder why B&Gs like this don't just sell tickets and be done with it; after all, their vulgar request to evening only guests couldn't have made it clearer that they're expected to pay for the privilege, so why not be upfront about it?

IMO a gift, whether money or anything else, is something which may be hoped for but is definitely not to be commanded. Also, since most guests now give cash anyway, I'm afraid that all this talk about "multiple toasters" and "making guests' lives easier" seems to me just a smokescreen for greed

Given that they're so graceless overall, I'd personally refuse the invite and send a card - or failing that make the donation to charity, which might at least help someone who'd appreciate it

Rriot Mon 26-Jun-17 11:32:10

The invitation was adressed to DP and myself but instead of posting it, they handed it to someone else who lives closer to pass it on.

I have no intention of getting them a photo frame or mugs or anything, I do know them well enough that I'd be able to get something useful/ to their taste.

As I said, if I could afford to, I'd give cash, but no-one cam pretend that with most people there's a bit of expectation about minum amounts, and whilst I wish I had a thick enough skin not to give a shit, I do.

ZanyMobster Mon 26-Jun-17 11:33:35

Puzzled - at my first wedding 15 years ago, we received 3 toasters!!

JigsawBat Mon 26-Jun-17 11:38:10

I also don't get the issue with asking for money. If you don't need anything else, and the money would really help you out or give you something to enjoy yourselves with, then absolutely tell me and I'll get what you want.

Rather that than waste money on things that aren't wanted/needed, however nice they are.

We asked for money for our wedding, but we appreciated absolutely everything of course. And we really didn't mind whether people got us nothing, a small amount or a larger amount of money, if cash was their way forward.

We asked for money, we didn't demand it, and I certainly wouldn't have wanted anyone feeling like they had to turn down the invite for the sake of not wanting to give a gift. They were the important bit, not the money.

As it was we were given cash that allowed us to go on our first ever holiday together. Some people gave lovely little gifts and decorations, instead. We did get a lot of photo frames, and we've never been able to use them so they're in a drawer half a decade later. One person gave us a £1 bag of sweets. We loved that. It was great after the stress of the wedding (because getting married might be fun, but it is hard!) to get home the next morning and just sit and share a bag of sweets whilst we relaxed. And of the guests that gave us cash, some gave £5 and some gave £50 and we really appreciated almost every gift equally.

The one gift that we felt a bit upset by was a £5 note given by a family of five that we'd invited. And it wasn't that it was £5. If they'd given that peacefully, we'd not have been bothered. But this family was a well-off family that seized every opportunity on their wedding day to brag about how much money they had. They compared the price of our wedding with ours and kept talking about it. They talked about how they were redecorating an entire room to match one small object within it, because they liked the object but couldn't possibly have anything out of place. The entire day was 'look how much money they have', and with all that the £5 felt like an insult.

But would a £5 note be an insult otherwise? Not at all. It's a lovely gift and would pay for a dessert at a restaurant if we went out, or a DVD and popcorn for a night in our holiday accommodation. Every £1 made a difference, and every gift (money or otherwise) was appreciated.

The only reason for the money request was to stop people spending their hard-earned money on (much appreciated) gifts that we wouldn't ever be able to use. And some ignored our request, as was their choice.

lanouvelleheloise Mon 26-Jun-17 11:39:58

Isn't it protocol that presents should normally roughly equal the cost of the meal? I was always taught that way growing up, but then again the person who taught me believes in ghosts and all sorts of weirdness so it could just be random and wrong!!

I would have a word with your friend and explain the situation. Tell her you feel embarrassed about coming, given that you can't afford any more than the smallest gift. Hopefully she'll say that she'd rather have you there and that it doesn't matter, and then you get rid of any embarrassment any any mistaken expectations. Just being honest about this is vital.

PinguPaws Mon 26-Jun-17 11:41:18

I think the donating to a charity that they support is the way to go. It's confidential how much you give, be it £1.00 or £10000. Just say in the card "a donation has been made on your behalf to X charity". No way any decent person could be unhappy with that.

NC4now Mon 26-Jun-17 11:43:34

It doesn't sound like they are demanding cash, just saying they'd prefer it to an unwanted gift.
Saying that, you can't go wrong with a bottle of fizz. I loved our wedding champagne/prosecco haul! It's easy to give away if space really is too tight. Has any bridesmaid ever said no to prosecco?

MickeyRooney Mon 26-Jun-17 11:46:28

Don't go.
You only been deemed 'good enough' for the evening invite anyway.
fuck them.

if you're that horribly broke you shouldn't go.
its an invite, not a summons.

Jux Mon 26-Jun-17 11:50:40

Agree with Ianouvelleheloise. Explain to her, she - being a findamentally nice person who wants you to be there - says don't worry about a present or anything just come. You put a fiver in an envelope and she is delighted, having expected nothing.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 26-Jun-17 11:54:49

Just give them a card, and decline the invite. A poem is extremely tacky, but to only give that to the evening guests is downright rude. they want them as a cash cow that is offensive.

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 26-Jun-17 11:57:21

With us it was vases, ZanyMobster - eight of the things!! (Which admittedly was 38 years ago, when folk rarely gave cash for wedding gifts). It didn't matter, though - they were all eventually used or regifted, and it was the kind intentions of the givers which meant most

As I said, I doubt anyone's unaware that most give money now anyway - especially if they're unsure what would be best - so the vulgar poems and all the rest are not only graceless but unnecessary

user1497888420 Mon 26-Jun-17 12:00:12

Just take a card or decline the invitation.

I have no problem with people asking for £ as a gift (most of us already have everything we need these days so why not spend on a honeymoon) but...

I wouldn't expect evening guests to bring a gift really and if I didn't like the family I wouldn't go to their wedding.

Colacolaaddict Mon 26-Jun-17 12:00:24

Take the "if you feel you have to" thing literally. There are a gazillion other terrible poems they could have chosen that don't put it like that. Fizz and a card IMO.

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