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To think he should be included?

(278 Posts)
Leftoutofweddingparty Mon 26-Jun-17 07:16:33

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

KoalaDownUnder Mon 26-Jun-17 07:20:50

Jeez, YANBU at all! That is so hurtful.

Sunshinegirls Mon 26-Jun-17 07:21:11

She sounds self centred. How is her relationship with your son? I would feel hurt with this too.

MyrtleMaracas Mon 26-Jun-17 07:21:14

I don't know why some families see step children as expendable at weddings it's so shit it really is, as if they don't really count.
The fact that you are paying for the wedding makes this totally unacceptable though. I would have to say 'surely your half brother will be invited too'?

MyrtleMaracas Mon 26-Jun-17 07:23:43

Sorry, not half brother if not dh son but irrelevant anyway, still a close family member.
Also, stop her rifling through the cupboards when you're out! Ask for her key back, make an excuse that you've lost the spare or something

stella23 Mon 26-Jun-17 07:24:44

ask her why she's not invited him, if you don't like the answers don't go. Don't pay. Don't let her treat you like this. She's and adult now not a teen. There consequences for choices

Ifailed Mon 26-Jun-17 07:24:50

Why isn't your DH addressing this? If their relationship is already 'poor', I don't see how it can improve with him continuing to be her doormat whilst funding her life.

StylishDuck Mon 26-Jun-17 07:25:59

Is he not invited at all or just not part of the wedding party i.e. not an usher? I'd be hurt and upset for the former but I don't think the latter is a huge deal. My brother wasn't part of my wedding party even though I made my SIL (DH's sister) a bridemaid. As far as I'm aware he wasn't in the slightest bit bothered about this. If he's not invited at all that's a. completely different kettle of fish and something your DH needs to address with his daughter. I'd also be taking away her key so she couldn't go snooping round my house when I'm not there!

peachgreen Mon 26-Jun-17 07:26:59

I'm afraid people are entitled to limit their bridal party in whatever way they choose and that includes limiting it to direct blood siblings. What would be gained from you forcing this issue? It's not going to improve the relationship between your step-daughter and DS, or between you and your step-daughter. I understand it's upsetting but I think YWBVU to insist he's included.

Leftoutofweddingparty Mon 26-Jun-17 07:27:13

He's invited. Just not as part of the wedding party. Her brother and sisters boyfriend are usher and best man.

StylishDuck Mon 26-Jun-17 07:28:16

It's technically her fiancé's job to pick his best man/ushers etc though.

Lunde Mon 26-Jun-17 07:29:23

I cannot quite work out the issue from your OP - is it that your son is invited to the wedding as a family member but has not been given a specific role within the wedding party as the other siblings have? Would he want to have a role?

Does your son have a relationship with the bride?

Leftoutofweddingparty Mon 26-Jun-17 07:29:38

My sons relationship with her is fine. No fallings out or anything. She's always made comments about "our family" in conversation though which has excluded him.

I've always pushed my son to treat them all very well and respectfully which he has done and I know he would include them all in anything he does.

cansu Mon 26-Jun-17 07:30:38

If not invited at all then yes she is totally out of libe. If this is that she hasnt put him in a role or on the top table or whatever I would not stress about it. It is rather thoughtless but if they dont have a close relationship it may seem silly for her to engineer one for this occasion. Try not to see it as being about your place in this family or this could spoil the occasion gor your dh.

Lunde Mon 26-Jun-17 07:32:15

Really I'm not sure this is such a big deal. He will be a guest and is not excluded from the wedding and many people don't find jobs for all their siblings.

Leftoutofweddingparty Mon 26-Jun-17 07:33:48

I should also point out that her sister's boyfriend has only been around for a year.

Leftoutofweddingparty Mon 26-Jun-17 07:35:39

Lunde, but he is the only one left out.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 26-Jun-17 07:36:21

I would not be bothered as such, what I woukd be bothered about is brides treatment towards your. Rifling through yiur cupboards to report to mum, wtf!!!! That need some of be stopped now! As well as her utter disrespect for you. You and your husband need t address this with them.

Bananamanfan Mon 26-Jun-17 07:36:42

Has your son noticed? If he's anything like my 19 yo ds, he'd probably rather not be an usher. If you & dh are paying & doing some organising you could give him a role (to take family snapshots) & buy hom a new suit. I know it can be difficult, my ds is also dh's stepson, but you can probably fix the situation satisfactorily without alerting you step daughter.

sparechange Mon 26-Jun-17 07:36:43

If he wasn't invited, it would be hugely mean

But expecting him to be an usher? It's up the groom to pick who he wants, and I wouldn't take it as any sort of snub

Don't overthink it...

rizlett Mon 26-Jun-17 07:37:10

This happened in our family except it was my son's wedding and his half brother and sister although invited to the wedding were not included in the wedding 'party'.

I reasoned that it was the brides day and she was entitled to have the day she wanted.

I could have got annoyed that her mum and dad sat on the top table and I was relegated to a back table but life is too short. It's only a day. Who cares who sits where and who care's who's invited to do what?

I understand that you feel hurt, I did too, but then I realised I didn't have to feel hurt, for myself or for my other children, and they didn't need to feel hurt either.

Perhaps it's worth though exploring your other issues surrounding your sd because it seems that this issue is like the icing on the cake of other issues you already have about her. (I'm not suggesting they are unjustified - just trying to understand more.)

Aeroflotgirl Mon 26-Jun-17 07:40:19

Stop doing a such for them until tart to treat you with respect. Change your Locks dnd don't tie them a key.

cansu Mon 26-Jun-17 07:40:33

I honestly think you are making this into a big deal. Your history sounds like it is full of such issues and by analysing the other guests in this way you are heading for another argument. Your son is an adult and I would be amazed if he cared about being an usher or whatever unless you highlight that you feel he has been snubbed. Weddings and big family occasions are a nightmare in separated families. Why not relax and just enjoy the day without looking for the snub?

pandarific Mon 26-Jun-17 07:41:02

YABU. It's her wedding - you don't get to dictate who is in the wedding party or not, it's quite controlling. He IS invited - let it go, it's not your decision.

All the other stuff, deal with on its own. Her wedding is not about you and your son (in the nicest possible way).

emmyrose2000 Mon 26-Jun-17 07:42:52

First thing I would do is stop guaranteeing the rent. She doesn't deserve it. There are times when it is a valid thing to do, but it doesn't seem as though this is one of those times. If she/they don't have the common courtesy to even invite you over, then they can provide for themselves.

SD sounds like a completely spoilt, manipulative brat. Seeing as things are already at rock bottom, there's no reason to continue funding her lifestyle or giving into her manipulations. I'd personally not pay any more towards her wedding. It seems to be all take, take, take, on her side. She needs to grow up and take care of herself.

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