To not allow the dc to spend inset in my house with ex? Feel awful(37 Posts)
We have been separated for 3 years and divorced a few months ago. He continues to have sporadic access to this house when caring for the dc while I'm at work and I plan to put a stop to it once and for all once the finances are finalised. He is financially fucked and lives in a tiny, smelly, dank flat. He will get a about £14k from me (the maximum I can raise and we had no assets other than the house except my pension), will probably piss most of it up the wall and then go back to being financially fucked. He was sahd, but had no career before becoming a dad aged 39 and has made a series of ridiculous decisions since we split due to his infidelity.
Dc have an inset tomorrow and it's his turn to cover it. They have begged me all day to let him have them here - he has no garden, the flat is as described above and according to ds1 he does nothing with them, is half asleep most of the time and it will be so boring. I think he may have been exaggerating for effect, but I do feel guilty. They don't seem to do a lot, and, while he hasn't got much money, I think he could make more effort. He has a condition that causes fatigue but it doesn't stop him doing gigs (musician) or some coaching with ds1's sport team - it just feels like he prioritises the things he enjoys and cba with difficult stuff like entertaining the dc in tricky conditions. I have also noticed he doesn't seem to read with them anymore or do music practise. I'm sick of being the one to sort everything while he acts like a glorified babysitter, one who insisted he wanted 50/50 access (we do about 65/35 to me).
I feel so guilty and sad about the dc not looking forward to an inset though. DS1 attacked me for only caring about money and I told him my job was why I have a nice house, and I feel mean for saying that, but if there's one good thing to come of this it is that they can learn from ex's mistakes.
If they spent tomorrow here he would eat everything he could find and leave the place like an utter shit hole. I work f/t and am doing extra exam marking now to pay for the fucking divorce and the debts he left me with and can't face coming home to his mess. But that is selfish isn't it? I could send a text now offering use of this place - but should I? It is the dc's home...
If the arrangement in future is for him not to be in your house then you need to start it now. Feel sorry for the kids though but it's only one day.
That's a tricky one.
I'm post divorce myself so I can see your difficulties.
Can you say yes and attach conditions and make it crystal clear that it will never happen again if he doesn't leave it tidy/ eats all the food etc? Would he take notice of that?
Or could he be out the house most of the day with the kids and go to friends or family instead?
I know someone with one of these. And it's absolutely infuriating that she does the earning and the cleaning and the boring mundane crap that makes sure the world turns and her ex gets to be creative and fun and lazy as all get-out. Arguing with DS can't happen, it only makes things worse.
I wouldn't let him use it. But a compromise might be to say, "right ex and DS, just this once. But if you eat all the food and don't leave the place exactly as it was, I will take that as a sign that you will never even ask to use it again". I still wouldn't though.
No, you're entitled to a place of your own with privacy. They'll have to do something else.
I'm confused re the £14k - have you had advice? Guessing this might be to avoid giving him a pension sharing order?
Dc need to go to dad's dump. . This will continue otherwise.
Rather than have him in my house, making a mess, I would rather give them some money to be able to go out for the day with their dad. That would get rid of my guilt, make him get off his arse and not have to tidy up his mess when I got home from work.
Thank you for the replies. If I gave money that would be like me admitting I am responsible for him and would lead to him asking for money every time he had them.
I hate to think of them in on screens all day, but am heartened that they don't want that either...
His day with the kids is his problem. If he can't be arsed to pull his act together it isn't your job to fix it. The kids should be pressuring him to do something with them, or go somewhere fun. Not your problem!
It's easy to say to the OP it's not your problem, but when your children suffer because of your ex it becomes very much your problem and can be very distressing.
Good luck with whatever you decide OP.
Don't let him in, he'll eat everything, make a mess, still do bugger all with the children& somehow find a way of making it all your fault.
You don't say how old your children are but I'm guessing KS.2 as they need supervision on an inset but can articulate thier opinions, they will learn through this that actions have consequences. No qualifications = no/poor job, No work = live in crap flat & so on.
Give it a few years & they won't go there because they don't want & will have better things to do with thier mates & that won't be your fault it would be his.
If you let his happen once then it will become a regular occurrence.
Has he actually put any effort into improving his place for when his children visit? If not, why?
Just pretend you've got free tickets for zoo / sealife / cinema or whatever and give him those. Or tell them to ask him to go to the park or swimming, something free or cheap.
Keep him out.
No, tbh, I wouldn't. Especially if he leaves the place like a tip.
Loads of things you can do for free- park, beach etc.
He doesn't need to be in your house.
3 years is enough time to get somewhere suitable for his DS...LEt him work it out..Assuming he isn't tiny a bit of dirt will not hurt him for one day..If Ex doesn't like it he needs to sort something out.
Honestly, if the children want it, I'd do it. Yes he should have his shit more together and no you're not being unreasonable to want him to take the children out instead. But you can't make him be the parent you want him to be, all you can do is improve your children's experience of him as a parent. If letting them stay in their own home to spend time with their dad is better for them, then surely that's the right thing to do?
Kids need to complain to their Dad not you to be honest and you need to gently direct their ire in the right direction. You are no longer responsible for him and while the kids may be bored they are not in danger !
If you keep facilitating there will be no change and the kids will always put responsibility for their Dads crapness on you. The right thing to do is to let him get on with it !
all you can do is improve your children's experience of him as a parent
That's the crux of it really, but is it right? Is that what I should be doing? I think that is what I do/have been doing, and it wears me out. I am so tired of thinking of every eventuality and anticipating things to improve their time with him, but whatever I do isn't enough and I can't impact on the way he spends his time with them, not really. I feel so drained by it all.
I'm afraid I'd be telling him to have them at his flat. Start as you mean to go on. He has to learn. Why can he not go and get a bloody job?
If this arrangement is going to stop (and it needs to) then it may as well stop now, so don't let exH spend the day at yours. Encourage your children to talk to their dad about their gripes about being at their father's ( or tell him yourself?) At least with 14k he could improve his accommodation, either by finding a better place to live, or improving his current flat.
Other posters are correct, that it's his problem not yours, and he needs to be more proactive if he wants to provide for his children in an adequate way.
It is not your job to " improve your children's experience of him as a parent"!!!!!
Why on earth would you do that if divorced or married to him!
[on my first coffee. Morning here in Oz]
My very first thought was if he gets into your home, he wont leave
all you can do is improve your children's experience of him as a parent
This is not OP responsibility..There are so many threads on this site..RP do not control what happens during contact...Now OP should provide a suitable environment 3 years after separation...
It is amazing what someone can do once they have no other option.
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