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AIBU?

To be upset at my parents

68 replies

AnnaL82 · 25/06/2017 18:28

Bit of background story.
Moved to the UK 5 years ago for DH, we work 90 miles away (see each other Thurs-Sun) and I'm currently 37+2 weeks pg. Due to DH having only 1 week paternity leave and baby expected for July, my parents convinced me to be back to my hot home country to give birth. It's my first pregnancy and I'm scared as hell of hospitals due to childhood experiences, so I have also a planned C-section for the underlying medical reasons. There are 35 degrees outside, my bump is absolutely huge, my legs look like tree trunks, I can barely walk and my hormones are out of control. DH has been flying from the UK and back every weekend since I'm here (left a couple of hours ago, will be back in 9 days for my hospital admissions).
Parents' house where I;m now has several stairs and 6 mezzanine floors, so moving things or even getting to the loo is a nightmare both for me and my mum who has knee problems. Dad does everything for us (with a lot of grumpiness). When DH is here, he does absolutely everything he is asked to, but he tends to be a bit messy (e.g. leaving shoes at the entrance, here not common as no carpets) and not to think autonomously to do something when it's not directly asked to. I normally try to balance his standards with theirs looking after his mess (for me perfectly tolerable btw), but at the moment I can't make it due to my physical condition. I do that on one hand because I found their tidiness expectations excessive, and on the other because besides this he is an absolutely lovely DH and he's going to be the best dad I could have dreamt for DS.
After he took the bus to the airport this afternoon, they started shouting at me and went on for more than two hours because they found mine and his behaviour fully disrespectful, as apparently:

  • I don't respect my dad doing things for us as I don't shout at DH
  • I don't respect my mum's pain because I'm only concentrated on myself while everybody has been pregnant and it's natural and I'm going to be facilitated by the c-section and my aunt was standing up and ironing the day after the c-section (?) and blah blah blah
  • We both apparently don't appreciate the economical sacrifices they have done for us organising our wedding, helping us with the house deposit, buying things for the baby and every time they visit in the UK, while in-laws did nothing but they look like angels as they don't complain (they barely survive with a single minimum pension, while parents have more money, and we NEVER asked explicitly for the contributions they made, they volunteered saying no problem)


I have been crying for the last 2 hours and I'm just thanking God that I'm forced back to the UK mid-August if I want to be within the "maximum 90 days abroad" term that would allow me to apply to UK passport in November, but I really don't know how to stand them until then, thinking also when the baby will be born and I'll be also sleep deprived. I have been out of house at 18, earning my own money at 23, abroad since at 25, just don't find fair to be blackmailed on never asked economical terms and to be treated like this at 35 while heavily pregnant. AIBU?
OP posts:
saoirse31 · 25/06/2017 18:40

I really don't get why you moved back at all tbh. Having done so, why not gp back to UK now, its clearly not working for u before baby, its hardly going to improve after.

AnnaL82 · 25/06/2017 18:42

Not even sure the baby and I can leave mid-August btw as I'm "resident abroad" so baby's ID and travel document has to be managed by London embassy - there is the option of getting him the English passport from DH but is it true that first application requires 6 weeks?

OP posts:
AnnaL82 · 25/06/2017 18:43

@saoirse31 because parents convinced me they would have given me free help - where I work I only know work colleagues. At 37+2 I can't fly anymore :(

OP posts:
Madwoman5 · 25/06/2017 18:49

Go back to the uk now if you can fly. Your inlaws sound nice so maybe they would like to be more involved? Your dh could add annual or unpaid leave into his paternity leave to give you more help when you need it most. If your parents feel you are such a burden, you are better off as far away as you can be.

Madwoman5 · 25/06/2017 18:50

Cross posts! What about sea travel. At least you can chill whilst you travel

DartmoorDoughnut · 25/06/2017 18:52

Bus it back if you have to that sounds hell

RandomMess · 25/06/2017 18:54

Sad that is so hurtful when you are so vulnerable at the moment.

OccasionalNachos · 25/06/2017 18:54

what about sea travel

Difficult to recommend if you don't know where OP is, & equally difficult at 37 weeks (more likely 38-39 once organised)

You will have to make the best of it, OP, & try to get back to the UK as soon as you can after the birth. Is there no way your husband can take more leave?

TheSkyAtNight · 25/06/2017 18:55

For goodness' sake get back to the UK now!

AnnaL82 · 25/06/2017 18:59

Btirth is planned here on July 7th, it would be hard to organise everything back in 2weeks even if sea travelling. DH will be back on the 4th (hospital admission on 6th) and will stay until 30th adding annual leave. I have just to survive these 9 days + the 2 weeks after he leaves (he might be back the weekend in between - if I ask him, he will definitely do it). It's too late now and I could never imagine such a nightmare. I really hope we can make it with baby's documents. In laws live 3 hours away from here, will be visiting the 4 days I'll be in hospital and I will be paying a B&B for them to not create further complications, but due to the distance they can't help me more. They will be coming to stay with me in UK for a couple of months afterwards and I'm really looking forward to that time as I appreciate their sacrifice too - they don't speak a single word of English.

OP posts:
Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 25/06/2017 19:01

She's over 37 weeks, no doctor in his right mind will certify her fit to fly.

Redsippycup · 25/06/2017 19:04

Where are you? (understand if you don't want to say - just think it would be easier to understand / advise re travel difficulties) I assume it can't be too far if he is flying every weekend?

Are you entitled to NHS treatment?

If treatment wouldn't cost you significantly more in the UK and you can physically get there then I would come back.

Use the money saved on DPs flights to fund 2nd week of pat leave (or can he take paid holiday?)

Can PIL or DPs family help you?

Quite frankly, no one needs to deal with that shit, especially pregnant and in those temperatures.

Redsippycup · 25/06/2017 19:07

Sorry x post. Could you stay with PIL instead? Didn't realise they were in the same country as you!

Sara107 · 25/06/2017 19:22

Why does dh only get 1 weeks paternity leave? It's normally 2 weeks? There is also parental leave,,18 weeks of which he can take 4 per year. It's unpaid, would that be an option? It surely wouldn't work out more expensive than him flying back and forth to wherever all the time. It looks like you probably have to stay put til the birth now, but get the baby's documents sorted ASAP so you can get back to the UK.

BewareOfDragons · 25/06/2017 19:29

I would immediately get my things packed up, train to Paris then on to the train to London. Get out of there.

Rossigigi · 25/06/2017 19:35

As pp said ^^

namechangeforholiday · 25/06/2017 19:39

OP is travel without flights an option?

Tazerface · 25/06/2017 19:43

Can you go to a hotel OP? I think I would.

cunningartificer · 25/06/2017 20:23

It's not worth leaving with the planned birth so soon. It sounds really tough but you did plan this for some good reasons. At least parents are not shouting at dh so there was s some civility left!! It maybe even they are also just stressed by heat and pain for your mum and difficult situation perhaps more than they anticipated. I think traveling back now would just add to the overall stress, but perhaps telling them that the shouting has made you feel that way might help going forward?

NerrSnerr · 25/06/2017 20:31

Can you stay in a hotel until the baby arrives? I assume you have a fair amount of money if your husband is flying weekly and you can afford a birth abroad.

Bizzysocks · 25/06/2017 20:36

Do you have friends in the area? I would consider moving to a local air b&b, do you have local friends who could visit, you could still visit your parents some days or stay there until your dh comes back then get an air B&B Mil could stay with you after dh leaves?

Creampastry · 25/06/2017 20:41

Your dh is off from 6-30 July? So why didn't you stay here?

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NerrSnerr · 25/06/2017 20:48

Yes, I'm a bit confused. You say you went back as your husband only had 1 week paternity leave but he is actually off work for most of July?

When you get yourself home I would get out to toddler groups and classes and make some local parent friends. We moved when I was heavily pregnant with our first and knew no one and we now have a network of friends and support through local groups.

AnnaL82 · 25/06/2017 21:01

To answer questions shortly: yes, I could probably pay by myself for some place before baby or ask other relatives (not PIL as they live 3 hours away), but that would cause a final breakdown of the relationships with my parents as in their eyes that would sound fully ungrateful of what they have done so far. I don't have energies to pack and travel back by sea either (I would have NHS as I'm EU and pay NI, but hard to organise with 12 days left). I'm aware D(?)M can be nervous for similar reasons (heat and pain), but I'm annoyed at her underestimation of my struggles and fears. On the other hand, they are kind of overprotective so don't leave me the car to drive to friends or relatives to get away for a couple of hours. DH extended his annual leave to stay here with me when the situation began to deteriorate already 10 weeks ago, the original plan was for him to leave me here for weeks 2-6 of the baby and save leave for when I would have been back to UK, as he works away 4 days a week, but he realised early this couldn't be the case, that's why PIL will stay longer afterwards (and parents laugh and say they will run away not settling in a foreign country with our mess). Don't want PIL to stay here with parents after DH leaves instead, as parents don't like them, that's why I paid for their b&b.

OP posts:
AnnaL82 · 25/06/2017 21:04

DH took only one week paternity as the second would have been at statutory pay, and 2.5 of paid annual leave.
Before pg I was renting a room and travelling weekends to DH, after pg test we bought house close to my workplace and now he is renting and traveling weekends instead. I still don't know the area much so yes, will do my best to meet local people when I'm back!

OP posts:
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