To think you're never judged as much before…(46 Posts)
…you become a parent?
FFS, I'm getting so bored of other parents making passive aggressive comments / remarks; 2 examples from this week:
• DD almost 2 eating a pizza slice with shock a jalapeño pepper on it at a party. Mum I don't know "oh god, take that off her, it's spicy"
• A good friend asking how I cope going to soft play with 2 under 2 (DS 4 months), "as in, how do you keep your eye on DD at all times & ensure she safe". Erm, I don't, she's a competent soft player thank you very much & if she's in my line of sight, that's enough for me.
Another one: being told under no uncertain circumstances DD (when around 1yo) could hold my car key because of the germs on them, being told I shouldn't be dressing my baby in this, that & the other because it's too hot/cold/windy & on it goes…
Basically, I'm fed up of everyone feeling like they have a right to an opinion on how you raise your DC; & to relay it in such a judgy manner. I then start to doubt my parenting skills, followed by slapping myself for doubting myself. I do think so many parents are too precious these days, maybe I am just a tad too liberal, I don't know.
I realise I sound far too emotional & invested & probably just need to go to bed but by god, just let me parent how I feel is best
You learn to just let the comments blow away with the wind, It used to really pee me off but now, I don't even take notice of it.
Perfect your rhino skin.
It is good advice.
Ha! Yanbu. Mil & sil had a fit when I fed a strawberry to our 9month old
do think so many parents are too precious these days
The judged has become the Judgee
Yeah I agree though Op, people should just keep their thoughts to themselves. I'd be more impressed than horrified about the jalapeño, good taste buds!
I can't cope with soft play at all, I loathe them. But yeah, perfect your thick skin and beaming smile
Tbh I wouldn't have interpreted either of those examples you gave as being passive aggressive. Maybe it's all in the tone / nuances. Maybe the passive aggressiveness would have gone straight over my head. Or maybe you're reading too much into it. If I saw an unsuspecting toddler about to bite into a chilli, I'd probably say something similar. If I did I wouldn't be because I was judging anyone on their parenting, it would be because I find jalapeños hot, that's all.
she's a competent soft player
This made me laugh
A man stopped me on the street once to tell me that DS aged 2 should be wearing a coat. I told him that DS had refused to put it on and he smiled and went on his way
Drives me dotty when strange women come up and give their two cents. On one occasion my new baby was crying on my knee in the bus, I was rocking, singing etc to try and get her to stop when this older lady came up and without s word seized my hand and started bashing DD forcefully on the back with it, all the while grinning helpfully! I didn't know what to do with myself. A couple of months later I had baby in the sling at the station - it was a cold day but she gets very warm in the sling so was lightly dressed. The woman comes up to me, clucks disapprovingly and says "don't you think she must be a bit cold?" I was having an extremely trying day so I'm afraid I grinned brightly through gritted teeth and said " well yes, I did think that, but then I just thought fuck her, eh?" She practically crossed herself as she backed away...
Mycars I think you're right, it's more the tone than the actual comments themselves that have irked me, and in the case of the first one, I didn't even know the mum! We are a spicy food household so no worries from me.
Maybe I'm as judgy as those
I feel are judging me, I just don't say it out loud
the problem is..... if you judge a lot, you think people are just like you and are judging them.
do yourself a favour.... start giving other parents support and you will get loads back
Remember this when dd was around 9/10 months eating a tiny corn on the cob and mil was horrified! She didn't choke, had plenty of teeth and it's still her favourite food now at 6.
You know best- always remember that
A woman stopped shouting at her two kids today in a sandpit to tell me I had my five year old 'spoiled rotten'. For context, I was getting him to pick up his things and put his shoes back on before going straight home because he had thrown a tantrum after a clear warning about the consequences. But apparently it doesn't count as discipline unless you're roaring foul-mouthed abuse.
I was already mildly annoyed DS was being trying, so I did actually ask whether she normally hung around playgrounds dressed like a pole dancer offering unsolicited parenting advice. Normally I'm more dignified.
It astonishes me how complete strangers think it's ok to remark on someone else's children. I wouldn't even say stuff to friends, let alone people I had never met before! So rude!
May I suggest that you never go to Eastern Europe, where every female over the age of 20 feels obliged to comment on what your baby is wearing (and what you are wearing too). On a hot summer day, I was wheeling DD1 in her pram. She was wearing a cool cotton dress. I was stopped several times and told she would catch her death of cold. Romanian and Polish babies seem to wear snow suits all year round. (I was often told that I should be wearing tights in the hot summer too!)
It just washes all over me.
DS is one of the most stubborn human beings I have ever met. He does not give a shit about punishments or anything once he gets in that frame of mind. However we have put a few things into place now, that seem to be working
On the outside looking in, it might seem like I am giving way to him, and I have had a few comments to that effect, but it is picking my battles with him.
Nothing will ever compare, to when an elderly lady told my DP that maybe he should put a condom on, when (after being pushed a lot) he told her I was not the mother to his eldest.
Oh, she turned the air blue. DS and I made a swift exit.
In fairness, I don't generally give a shiny shite whether someone's wearing a bikini or a suit of armour, but there was something provoking about being considered lax with a five year old whom you are in the process of disciplining by taking him home from a playground by someone who kept having to unhitch her tiny shorts from her labia while shouting at her own kids.
I'm simmering down already with these stories
ye gods, it's not just me
I wish I could say I don't give a shiny shite but I do, I do care about being judged. Need to toughen up that skin…
I've been pretty lucky with this but passive aggressive comments often go whooshing over my head, so probably I've missed a fair few. But, I did once get followed down the street by a woman yelling at me that my baby should be taken off me and given to people who cared about children (crime: baby not wearing hat). That was... fun.
Never noticed much judginess when mine were babies, but I know what you mean, as a woman stopped me a few months back to ask whether I thought DS2 shouldn't be wearing a few more layers. Well yes, he probably should, but he's a teenager and bigger than me. Should I be pinning him down and forcing him into woolly jumpers?
I do think part of the 'issue' for us as parents is being ready to tell people to butt out, politely.
I've been so lucky not to get many comments when kids were small but many people are happy to tell me I am not strict enough with my dd. Because she has autistic tendencies they think being stricter would help! But it's not random strangers who've told me, but friends and family.
Backing off from the comments/judgements (which I find fucking annoying as well), it's good that people on the whole keep an eye on how children are being treated because they're so vulnerable and can't/not allowed to speak up for themselves.
I know they sometimes go down to ridiculously small and insignificant things (like someone who commented loudly and sadly on DD2 not wearing shoes in the street once, ignoring the fact that she was in her pushchair, it was summer and she under a year old couldn't fucking walk so had no need for them) but it can help sidestep the 'shall I say something' question when you see DC blatantly in distress right in front of you (like the people who questioned venables and thompson when they were abducting James Bulger).
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