Dh wants to get dsd here, right now!(136 Posts)
Yes, I know. I'm taking my own life in my hands posting this on 'Aibu' but a decision is being forced on me quite quickly and I need to know if Iabu.
Background: DH and I started going out when dsd was six. Dsd's mum had left DH for another man two years previously.
Fast forward to today, dsd is now 14. We now have dd 4 (who is autistic and was diagnosed last year at 3, she is in the more severe side of the spectrum) and ds who has just turned 1.
My relationship with dsd used to be really good, however around two years after me and then do got together we started to have trouble with Dsd's mum.
This first post would be miles long if I went in to all that, it's going to be long enough as it is. Suffice to say there was conflict (police involved at one point after she assaulted Dh) and that it really affected poor dsd.
We went from being very close to her practically ignoring me these last few years. As we didn't get to see her except during school holidays (her mum moved her very far away) Dh was a bit of a Disney dad, which he admits.
If I leave any cosmetics on the bathroom she will empty them all out and refill them with water.
She doesn't tend to eat any of the meals I cook and willl sat she is not hungry (then eat from a Bombay of crap, chocolate and crisps, that comes along with her)
She will not come downstairs until 3pm at least, every day she is here, then has tea and goes back up until I and the dc are upstairs. When she will come down.
Over the last year or so I've stayed upstairs after seven, because I hear he happily chatting to her dad and think she needs that alone time.
She won't pick up after herself, she leaves wads of chewing gum stuck under sofas and tables that I have to find before one of the dc chokes on them. She leaves rubbish where it falls.
She spends every moment, literally from the second she opens her eyes to 4am on her phone.
Anytime I've attempted to talk to her about this she starts crying to her dad or just goes silent and blanks me.
I'm not a monster, I hope I'm not. It's just feels so unfair when I'm trying to teach dd to pick up after herself but can't say a word to dsd.
Anyway, to the heart of the matter.
Dsd's mum has just called DH on the phone, the first time she's spoken to him in four years!
Dsd has been hurting herself, truanting from school (the police have been involved numerous times) and is now being helped by cahms. She says she is being screamed at by dsd.
Also apparently this has come about because of Dad's mums partner (the same om she left Dh for) has attempted suicide. And she has gotten in to a bad crowd at school who all do this sort of thing.
Dh's ex wants him to call dsd and talk to her. It's all a bit of a shock as none of us knew this was going on (Dh has regular skypes with dsd but she never mentioned it)
Dh is, this moment, talking to mil on the phone about going over to get her now. And he has also just said that his ex said that dsd cannot be shouted at or upset in any way or she might commit suicide.
Mil and fil are on their way here to talk with us.
My head is spinning. I'm trying to figure out how to voice my concerns without sounding like an evil witch. I undertand how Dh feels, I love her too, but I have to think of ds and dd too.
I just want to say,
'No, Dh hang in a minute. I know your upset but I feel like you aren't considering everyone else in this family.
I agree dsd needs help but I do not want her living here if it's going to be business as usual.
If she comes she follows the rules of the house, including no devices upstairs, learning to clean up after herself and spending some family time with us.'
At this time I'd say you need to sort out the immediate. But then you need to talk to your dh and get some rules in place.
That's such a hard situation for you, once I was in myself, it didn't workout hat great for any of us, but you have to give it a chance, she is dh's child imagine if she was yours, would you think twice. No So don't him to. Make it clear that dh will be doing the discipline and all the extra work he needs to control
Go and get DSD NOW and iron out the formalities later.
She's a really traumatised child. You need to support your DH and be guided by him.
You can't lay the law down right now this instant I don't think until she's more stable.
She does need boundaries, but probably DH is panicking and will not take in anything sensible now.
Support him in going to fetch her but also say that serious discussions need to take place about the way forward before any firm decisions are made.
How would you feel if it was your child?
Would you kick them out for not following rules?
Or would you parent together and try to find a solution?
There are bigger issues at play right now than her not following the rules of the house. She is his daughter and his responsibility. She sounds horribly messed up and you are likely to be in for a rough ride but unfortunately you can't pick and choose when your DH steps up as her father.
You can insist that he presents a united front with you and how you should be treated in your own home.
Will she be able to continue at same school and access same camhs support if she comes to you?
I would be reluctant to move her mid crisis I would wait until things are set up and support in place for ypu all.
If she is at risk now with DM phone social services.
I think that it sounds like boundaries are 100% what she needs right now. I would get DH involved in talking to representative from school and the agencies dealing with her. They will be very strongly suggesting that she is give a warm but firm environment.
Your DH needs to come to terms with the fact that being a Disney dad is not the best thing for his daughter. Sometimes what teenagers want and what they need are two different things.
Bring her to your house but make sure that DH is on board with fairly stiff boundaries. What he has been doing is obviously not working for his daughter. But I can see why he might have chosen the path of least resistance. It sounds like it is make or break point for her now.
Mil has said she would be happy for dsd to live at hers for now (she lives two streets away)
I do feel very sorry for dad and want her out of there too, but I also know how hard it gets and anxious I get when she is here.
Dd gets extremely upset by change, she doesn't even really know dad as she won't talk to her either, we also can't leave them alone in the same room together as dsd has admitted pinching her.
The house is tiny.
I'm so shitty I know, and these sound like awful excuses but I just don't want this. Like to the point I'd happily divorce Dh if it meant we had to live permanently like that.
I must admit it's put my back up a little as this is my house and Dh is making decisions without even really talking to me.
I'm sorry to be most OP but what would be different for DSD at your home than mums home? I agree she definitely needs support but a move might not be for the best either does she definitely want to come?
Given the situation you describe with DSD and yourself as well it might be more tense at yours and not helpful anyway. Maybe she might prefer to stay with grandparents on "neutral" ground where both parents can be involved in her support.
Such a difficult situation. If DSD does come to stay with you I think there needs to be some ground rules negotiated by all of you from the outset. The staying in her room wouldn't bother me if she wants but eating a decent diet tidying up after herself and respecting you and your belongings should be a given
If she's hanging with the wrong crowd then changing school could help a bit.
Although she could seek again the same type of people.
Dsd has just told Dh she doesn't want to come.
She doesn't want to leave that group of friends.
She wouldn't be able to go to the same school no, she's three and a half hours away.
She is a young girl, obviously not coping with life atm, and you want to force her into "family time" and following your rules. She is having mental health problems and with your attitude I don't think being with you would be the best thing for her. Can she go to her Grandparents?
No it was my house before the marriage, it's already been sorted that it stays mine.
I suspect that if you told him that it's you or his DD he may well choose his DD.
From Dsd's accounts (not sure how accuamrate they are) mums home is pretty much a free for all, dsd can come and go as she please, has no curfews or bedtimes.
I don't mind if he picks dsd. I would understand.
I hope he understands that I won't put dd and ds at risk either.
Sorry cross posts.
It will require a more complex strategy, then.
But I'd still say get involved, particularly if it may mean her living with you too. Be welcoming, but you should have a role too.
I don't think she should live in your house, for everyone's sake!
When you say it's your house, do you mean your house, too or is it actually just yours?
Leaving the immediate crisis aside, you need to speak to dh at a later date because your resentment (and it's understandable) will only grow and grow.
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