Nuts

[user1498218397]

I feel like I'm going crazy about this so I could really do with some advice.

I am getting married next year to my long-term partner and my best friend from childhood was always going to be maid of honour. She has now said that she will not come to the wedding as her husband is allergic to nuts and unless there are absolutely no nuts served in any of the meal or the cake, then she will not come. She has also said she won't come without him when given the option.

I might add that she did not ask if this was the case, more assumed that we would change the entire wedding breakfast and cake for him without asking.

[user1498218397]

I should also add that he does not carry an epi-pen, has never been hospitalised with the allergy and is currently in Exposure Therapy for his phobia to nuts (even though it is apparently a real allergy).

[Dawnedlightly]

Are you a squirrel?

[Namechange2837]

How bad is his allergy? Some people can't even be in the same room as a nut. Would you not want to change the menu? I know you shouldn't have to but I also wouldn't want to cause anaphylaxis to someone 😂
She shouldn't be demanding these things though and making threats, why didn't she just ask you what you'd be serving?

[Sirzy]

Unless he is allergic to nuts in the atmosphere then it seems rather OTT.

I am sure if you contact the venue then they will be able to provide him with a nut feee meal

[BoredOnMatLeave]

Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. Fair enough if husband can't come if its a serious allergy, but for her to refuse alone and be so demanding is not nice.

[honeysucklejasmine]

Were you planning on serving nuts?

[ImperialBlether]

If it's a real allergy, why wouldn't he carry an epi-pen?

It's not a phobia if it could kill him. My friend's son would only have to go into a pub where someone was eating nuts to be affected. No amount of Exposure Therapy would do anything for that.

I think given the way she's said it, the only thing you can say is, "OK."

[user1498218397]

My point exactly! (Re. epi-pen)

It is certainly a phobia and not an allergy, which I could go into detail about but I don't want to bore everyone on the thread :)

[user1498218397]

We were never going to serve nuts in themselves, more perhaps that they might be in the cake. But I might add that she asked me about the wedding menu 2 hours after we got engaged and about the nut thing...

[user1498218397]

How did you guess?! I bypassed the opposable thumbs to write the thread :)

[Wolfiefan]

So does he never go in a shop because there will be nuts there? Never go in a pub or cafe or restaurant in case of nuts?
It's not an allergy surely if he doesn't need an epi pen? It's a phobia.
Say you think it's better they don't come if it will be so stressful for him.

[shaggedthruahedgebackwards]

It ought to be pretty easy to select a menu that doesn't include nuts?

If she is a good friend I'd be inclined to comply, it's not like she's asking you to have an alcohol or meat free day

[user1498218397]

She's a good friend and I would usually comply but my struggle is, do I comply with a phobia? If it was an allergy, I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm also unimpressed with the way it was assumed and demanded as opposed to just enquired.

[LizzieMacQueen]

Sounds like she doesn't want to come.

[Namechange2837]

Oh sorry I didn't see your comment re - phobia to nuts, not allergy.
That is actually REALLY weird!!!!!!

[JangleJangleJangle]

My daughter is allergic to nuts.

She would need a different meal prepared for her, free from cross contamination. She would also need to trust the kitchen where this food was prepared. One trace of nut is enough to send her into anaphylactic shock and kill her (Thats the worst case scenario. There also minor symptoms such as hives, vomiting, red puffy eyes etc which she wouldnt want to happen either esp at a wedding)

Eating out is an extremely tricky thing for our family and we stick to restaurants where we know we are safe and can talk to the chef.

Not all prouducts list that they 'may contain' nuts and this is another problem within itself.

Luckily my daughter isnt airbourne allergic. If she were then she wouldnt be able to attend your wedding unless you completely changed the menu & cake to a nut free one (and that includes no may contain items).

My daughter wouldn't ask you to do this. She would tell you her requirements and then its up to you to if you change the menu or not. If she was airbourne there could be no comprimise. She would feel anxious attending even if she wasn't airboune as she is literally placing her life in the hands of people she doesn't know.

I understand this isn't your friends allergy. However looking at this from a parent of a nut allergic child, I see so many situations where my daughter is left out or has to be treated differently because she cannot eat what other children eat, that I actually have a lot of respect for your friend to say that she will not leave her partner out. Either they can both attend or none of them can.

I think you need to understand the seriousness of this allergy. It can and does kill. A 18yo boy died by the London Eye earlier this year because he ate a plain piece of chicken breast that was mistakenly cooked the wrong way, it had a trace of nut and he went into anaphylactic shock and died.

Either you can accomodate or not but don't blame your friend for being supportive of her partners life threatening allergies.

[pringlecat]

As someone with a real allergy who has nearly died from it more time soon to count, the pair of them sound demanding and batshit insane.

[user1498218397]

Yeh I thought that (about not wanting to come).

Except she is exceptionally controlled by him - he won't let her eat out anywhere with nuts even when he is not there (i.e. she can't eat out)

[user1498218397]

I don't know how to reply to individual messages but pringlecat, you speak what I am thinking! It takes the piss out of people that have real, life-threatening allergies.

[JangleJangleJangle]

Jeez, I wish you'd written the correct term in your OP.

Its either an allergy or phobia.

[FooFighter99]

I smell a Daily Mail article in the making....

[user1498218397]

JangleJangleJangle, please understand I would never not be supportive of my friend. And your daughter's situation sounds horrible and very similar to a friend of my sister's who struggled with such situations. My point is that it's a phobia not an allergy. I have eaten peanuts at the same table as him years ago before he got more phobic. It's developed over a long time and got worse. I also wonder why someone would be in Exposure Therapy if it's an allergy - as surely that would only be for a phobia.

[user1498218397]

My apologies for incorrect OP - my first ever post on here and also very confused about the whole situation so not quite thinking clearly to write a proper post :(

[sherbetpips]

Surely the issue is not the nuts its the best friend? She can come to the wedding without him to fulfill her role as maid of honour but is refusing to do so?

[OhtoblazeswithElvira]

Exposure therapy for phobias can work really quickly... the last time I looked into doing it for spider phobia they said it worked in a week ("you'll be able of have a spider crawling on your arm by the end of the week"... yippeee). Is there any chance his phobia could have improved by the time the wedding comes along?

If you agree to the changes, surely this should be easier to accommodate than a real, airborne, anaphylaxis-causing allergy?

Disclaimer in case I inadvertently upset somebody: I have a nut allergy myself.