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AIBU?

Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

308 replies

lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:06

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 23/06/2017 12:09

Realistically A has caused the situation by letting it go on so long.

All you can do is make it clear everyone will be paying for themselves but ultimately A needs to stand up for herself and say "no"

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/06/2017 12:12

Can you get the money in advance? That way, if B doesn't pay up she could be 'uninvited' and someone who will pay can go in her place?

Almahart · 23/06/2017 12:15

I think getting money in advance is best plan but no idea what you do if B doesn't pay

Wibblywobblyfoo · 23/06/2017 12:15

Get all attendees to pay in advance

ImperialBlether · 23/06/2017 12:17

Send a group text saying, "Looking forward to seeing you all at 7 pm tomorrow. I've looked at the menu online and it looks delicious! It should cost us about £X each without drinks."

ImperialBlether · 23/06/2017 12:18

You could add, "A has always been very generous so I suggest we split her bill between us as we're celebrating X."

ImperialBlether · 23/06/2017 12:19

Are you saying B has ordered bottles of champagne at £200 and then not paid the bill for that? I can't imagine any of my friends acting like that - she sounds nuts.

lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:20

Part of the problem is that I have no idea how much the meal/wine will be. It's impossible to predict in advance as choices will be made on the day about the price point of the wine, and the amount of food ordered. This makes organising a kitty v difficult (and socially a bit strange).

OP posts:
lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:21

Imperial - yes, exactly that. A has even had to pay for B's husband.

I suggested via a message that B and I should pay for A's dinner and B replied 'She has more money than us, we don't pay for her'.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/06/2017 12:21

Send a sweet group email saying, "really looking forward to our meal, location is x, let's be there for x time, and just for info, average costs per person will be x, just wanted to let you all know, so no surprises on the day, we will pay our own shares and split the bill five ways, love lan x"

DianaMitford · 23/06/2017 12:22

I'd say something like "This is the plan for As birthday (or whatever), we're all paying our own share so I thought I'd just check you're happy with that. If it's easier you can transfer me the money in advance or we can just split the bill on the night. Let me know which works best for you :)"
If she doesn't pay and tries to duck out of it on the night then just open up the conversation to the whole table, e.g. "Ok, so the bill is x amount, we've got x amount here, we seem to be missing someone's share of the bill. Who hasn't paid yet?"

Might work! Total nightmare guest though.

Bluntness100 · 23/06/2017 12:22

Ok, cross posted, can you send them the menu, and say bill will be split five ways at end?

lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:24

I like the idea of an email in advance making it clear we are splitting the bill.

What do I do if B 'forgets' her wallet or says 'Oh I don't actually have any money in my account'? (Both have happened).

I agree that this is a situation of A's creating that I am now having to solve because I'm responsible for organising this event!!

OP posts:
TipTopTipTopClop · 23/06/2017 12:26

I agree you need to circulate an email with a cost estimate, even if it's a vague one, even to the point of useless, to set the tone.

Could you pre-arrange a bottle of reasonably priced champagne, for example, and fill the group in on that? E.g. 'I took the liberty of organising a round of bubbly upon our arrival - I hope you're all happy with this, it costs £X.

inniu · 23/06/2017 12:26

Ian, could you reply to her message and say
"She may have more money but that is no reason to take advantage. A should not be left to pick up anyone else's tab"

TipTopTipTopClop · 23/06/2017 12:27

What do I do if B 'forgets' her wallet or says 'Oh I don't actually have any money in my account'? (Both have happened).

Well, fuck, that's just rude and you can't do anything to prevent it.

Apart from send an email in advance.

CheeseBubbles · 23/06/2017 12:27

I wouldn't invite her if you can't afford to sub her as it's clear she won't pay. She sounds like an asshole. You either need to be very direct or risk spoiling your friends dinner when she pays for friend B

inniu · 23/06/2017 12:28

If you get to the end of the night and she says she has no money in her account ask her outright how she intends to pay.

littlewoollypervert · 23/06/2017 12:28

You could set up a Whatsapp group for the 5 people to organise the night, and put a message on it like this
"I looked at the menu and wine list so I reckon it will work out between £40 and £55 each. Is that OK with everyone?"
Then if B doesn't respond you can chase up
"Hi, just checking, is everyone OK with this?"
Then if B tries to land you all with the bill (or disappears) you have made it crystal clear to all that everyone is expected to pay their way.
You can then use the Whatsapp group to chase B
"Hi B, looks like you forgot to pay on Sat night, you owe us each X"

SaucyJack · 23/06/2017 12:28

B sounds like an arsehole, TBH.

Is she A's younger sister? I don't understand why else anyone would put up with this.

I suppose it's not really your place to tell her to grow up and stop sponging or don't bother coming,
but somebody should.

wheredoesallthetimego · 23/06/2017 12:28

Make it clear in advance. If she then still doesn't pay you might have to pick up her bit of the tab - ask to be paid back within 48 hours and if it doesn't happen that's the end of the friendship. she's a freeloader.

Assburgers · 23/06/2017 12:29

I think you send the menu or a link to it or whatever, then you ask the question "is everyone ok splitting the bill 5 ways?" Then if she doesn't reply you ask directly. Then if she pulls the no money stunt, you pay her share & pester for the money back. If A pays her share then she will never get the money back.

Has B ever paid? She must have at some point?

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littlewoollypervert · 23/06/2017 12:29

Oh I missed your 12.21 post - she's a cheeky cow!

NellieFiveBellies · 23/06/2017 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BangkokBlues · 23/06/2017 12:30

What @ImperialBlether said!

What do I do if B 'forgets' her wallet or says 'Oh I don't actually have any money in my account'?

No wallet "no problem, you can do instant transfer from your phone and i'll pay your share"

No money in a/c "How were you intending to pay?"

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