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AIBU?

To be scared HV thinks I'm neglecting my daughter.

107 replies

RoryPowers · 23/06/2017 07:55

I'll try and keep this brief.
DD is our first baby. When she was born she dropped weight (I know this is normal). I persevered with breastfeeding (I thought this was for the best) I didn't have her weighed but she felt heavier to me.
When the HV came and weighed her she had fallen from the 8th to the 2nd quartile. I felt completely awful like I had been starving her purposely as I had been so intent on breast feeding rather than changing to formula.
She is getting weighed again this morning. I am petrified she hasn't gained again. Whenever I take her to baby groups or on the street people tell me how tiny she is and are shocked by her age.
I love her so much and she is well looked after. She always looks lovely and we are lucky that we can afford to buy her lovely things so on the surface everything looks fine. I'm so scared the HV thinks that this is all a front and that I just think of the baby as a dolly :-(. Any advice or experience or even a handhold will be gratefully received. Thank you.

OP posts:
CheeseCrackersAndWine · 23/06/2017 08:00

Your HV won't think you are neglecting your baby because she isn't gaining weight. She will however help you take the necessary steps to ensure she starts to gain weight.

Crumbs1 · 23/06/2017 08:00

That's actually a slightly odd way of thinking. Of course she doesn't think that.
Well done for perseverance with feeding- it gets so much easier over time. Weighing isn't always useful and can undermine confidence a bit but as she's dropped quite a bit they'll want to make sure she's regathering birthweight.

Flamingoprincess1212 · 23/06/2017 08:00

Oh op! I'm not sure what to say. I'm sure you love your DD. But honestly the HV and midwife team just want to help you! Just be honest about your issues and they'll do anything they can to help. They want to support you to be the best mum you can be! Please don't worry!

OwlinaTree · 23/06/2017 08:02

How old is your baby?

wonderingsoul · 23/06/2017 08:02

Why didnt you get her weighed?
Im not judging and i am sure you are a great parent, but id find it unisual, esp for a first parent not have gine for for the first few weeks at least. Esp if they are tiny.

Your hv will ot judge but will ask you that question. The main thing is now.. if she isnt gaining quick enough then you may need support. And that is all she will offer. She wont report youbto ss or tell you that your a crap mum.

Congratulations on your little ine x

TheoriginalLEM · 23/06/2017 08:04

A good HV will reassure you. I had difficulties with BF and had to mix feed. I'm not gonna lie - this was sooo much easier and i wish that i did it sooner but i was convinced that not bf made bad mother Hmm

Is your dd otherwise happy and contented? mine wasn't you see, despite weighing in well she was always hungry.

The one thing you know is that YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST and your hv will not think you are neglecting your baby.

By mixed feeding i was able to continue with bf untill i stopped at 6 months due to needing surgery for something unrelated.

Nightsleepneeded · 23/06/2017 08:08

Congratulations in your new baby! How old is she and what method are you breastfeeding (on demand, schedule feeding)? Are you also getting lots of wet and dirty nappies? How is your latch?

Tinseleverywhere · 23/06/2017 08:08

Most hv are very supportive of breastfeeding if you explain you are trying to do exclusive bfing but concerned about her weight they will understand that and most will give you good advice.

PotteringAlong · 23/06/2017 08:10

Also, just because she's dropped centiles doesn't mean she hasn't gained weight. It just means she's putting it on more slowly.

How old is she?

WarriorsDance · 23/06/2017 08:11

That kind of weight loss would probably require an assessment re: faltering growth (aka failure to thrive) but you would be given support and information and your baby would be regularly monitored. I very much doubt it would spark a referral to SS at this point unless they have other concerns.

christinarossetti · 23/06/2017 08:11

The HV's priority will be to support you to help your baby gain weight, and monitor her for a bit.

In the context of how is she sleeping? Is she happy? Are there plenty of dirty nappies? Etc

GloGirl · 23/06/2017 08:13

How old is your baby?

Both mine lost large amounts of weight and even got jaundice - no health professional doubted that I loved those babies and was doing my very best for them Flowers

It's also ok to talk about your worries and ask for reassurance, I'm sure they can help you understand they just want what's best for you both which is to help baby stay with her Mum Flowers

RoryPowers · 23/06/2017 08:18

WonderingSoul I meant I didn't get her weighed at the children's centre between HV appointments because they were less than three weeks apart. I wish I had bevause then I would have noticed a problem sooner but at the time I thought she was gaining and we would see be how much next time she was weighed by the HV.

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 23/06/2017 08:18

All 3 of my babies dropped a lot of weight and took a long time to get back up to birth weight.
The thing about 10% of weight or whatever the figure is is an AVERAGE so there will be some who don't lose as much and some that lose more.

With my first I was upset like you, I had to take DS to see the peadratrician at the hospital and get him checked, go to a breast feeding clinic to check my latch etc (this was actually really really useful - see if there is something near you)
After a month he started gaining and I exclusively breastfed for a year.
The same happened with DD and again had to take her to hospital to be checked over, didn't help that I had mastitis and cracked bleeding nipples and she was a very sucky baby. I did end up giving her some formula tops up and a dummy for a couple of weeks (week2-3) but then once I had gotten better I then again exclusively breastfed for a year so don't think if you do end up topping up that you have to do it forever although I would only do it as a last resort.
With DS2 I was much more confident and knew that he would follow the other 2 and loose a large amount of weight before eventually gaining.

It is heartbreaking as you are made to feel like you are failing but just concentrate on feeding your baby but do listen to advice

Bubbinsmakesthree · 23/06/2017 08:18

She's dropped from the 8th to the 2nd? That's only one centile line.

Thatextrainch · 23/06/2017 08:20

HV just want to help.

If it's any help my dad was born at 50th centile. By 5 months she had dropped to 9th centile. She was tiny too all babies we knew as they were all 90th centile or above. I ebf and HV weren't concerned, dd was gaining weight, just more slowly Compared to other babies. HV was fine with this and explained that it's common for ebf to drop centile.

By 6 months she had gone up to 25th centile and now having just turned 2 she's back on the 50th for weight (although still looks tiny compared to others as she short, she still wears 9-12 month leggings!)

RoryPowers · 23/06/2017 08:21

She's 8 weeks. She sleeps from about 9-11 then 11-5 through the the night then sleeps again till 7ish. Lots of wet nappies and a dirty nappy daily. Sometimes two. She's been more content since she's been on formula. She was very grizzly before then but that's because she wasn't getting enough from my milk.

OP posts:
user1495025590 · 23/06/2017 08:22

YMy youngest was small. 9 the centile born and then dropped to under second
But the HV was fine as she was gaining slowly and was very strong and very active
At 13 months we moved amd changed practice and the Gp was horrified at her being under 15 lb and got the HV to be on my case nattering for home visits to weigh her every 3 weeks . I felt judged too OP.Eventually o said enough was enough and stopped letting her come.
Now dd is a tall athletic year 7 well within the healthy weight range

InDubiousBattle · 23/06/2017 08:25

How old is your baby op?

If you haven't had her weighed yet she may well have gained weight- don't borrow problems! Even if she hasn't the hv won't think ill of you at all.

ChasedByBees · 23/06/2017 08:26

Don't beat yourself up, this is fairly common. The HV will suppprt you. Do you have any issues with anxiety? I have in the past and this kind of thinking resonates with how I think when I'm struggling.

RoryPowers · 23/06/2017 08:30

Bees yes I have anxiety. It was just terrible in pregnancy Sad

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 23/06/2017 08:35

rory ohh my misunderstanding. We do thing differently. As in the hv doest weigh when she comes. We are expected to go to the clinic for that.

Still. Youv done nothing wrong or neglectful at all. Uf youe hv is concerned she will only help.

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BertieBotts · 23/06/2017 08:39

8th to 2nd centile is fine and within normal range. Especially if she was born on the 8th as their birth weight is no longer supposed to be counted for weight tracking purposes, the baseline is their weight at 2 weeks old.

Don't worry! It sounds like you're doing fine. Ask your hv or go about the anxiety though ad you may be at risk for pnd.

RB68 · 23/06/2017 08:39

I would say make sure you are eating and drinking properly and getting enough food - as that will reflect in your breast milk. Don't be trying to lose any baby weight just at the moment. Also you don't say how old baby is - if you are still measuring in weeks then I would say don't worry keep following advice and feed regularly etc

Crumbs1 · 23/06/2017 08:45

Sounds like she's doing just fine. Babies don't need weighing weekly at all.

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