To have declined her invitations

[Igottastartthinkingbee]

I've obviously upset a friend of mine but don't know if iabu.

Friend and I have known each other for a couple of years. Our children are now in reception class together and we both have toddlers the same age too. We see each other at school almost daily, have occasional play dates, often go to the same playgroup and see each other without the children every now and then. We're also part of the same kids party circuit so have seen her the last few weekends at those too. I see her more often than most of my other friends (although that's largely because of overlapping schedules but we always chat so it's never usually just a 'hi' and 'bye' thing). Aside from having children the same age we don't actually have a huge amount in common but we get on pretty well.

Last week I declined two invitations to her house. First one was a play date at hers after school. DS had his birthday last week and playdtae was the day after. To be honest he just wanted to be at home with all his new stuff and we needed a quiet evening after a few exciting days with parties/presents etc. She'd invited us casually 'no pressure, just if you fancy it'. I politely declined 'thanks but do you mind if we don't this time?'.The next invite was a few days later as we walked back from playgroup. Did we want lunch at theirs? Again just a causal invite. I declined as I had some stuff to do in the afternoon before school pick up. Nothing exciting, just supermarket run and jobs round the house. I could've gone for lunch but I know we'd have stayed for ages cause it always happens like that. DD would've been difficult leaving and I probably would've had a nightmare in the supermarket with her so I declined and said I'd see them at pick up.

So yesterday I get a text from friend saying we haven't seen each other much lately , asking if I'm ok, had she done anything to upset me. She really hasn't done anything to upset me! AIBU to not want to socialise all the time?! Is she being needy?

[GrassWillBeGreener]

Take it as face value, just say no, all's fine, just bad timing. Keep it light.

[ibuiltahomeforyou]

It reads as though both times you declined her without saying why, which is why she might feel odd about it.

You haven't said whether you explained your reason for declining to her. If I'd asked a friend twice and been declined twice I wouldn't ask again and would wait for you to make the next move. I'd be possibly puzzled depending on how you'd spoken about whether you were pulling back on our friendship, too.

If I were you, with the second refused invitation, I'd have said I had lots to do but suggested an alternative in the mid-future (e.g. 10 days in advance) so that way it's clear you're not seeing one another as best friends but are also trying to keep seeing her fairly frequently.

[troodiedoo]

If you value the friendship then you offer the next invite. If you decline the next one she probably will get the message. If you just don't want to see her as often then put a bit of distance between you but remain friendly

[Piratesandpants]

No she's not being needy, she can't read your mind. From her perspective you declined two invitations for no obvious reason. Text her, explain (keep it light) and arrange to meet up. But you don't sound too keen....

[NeitherKilnerNorMason]

If you decline two invitations in a row without offering an alternative, you do leave your friend thinking she's done something to upset you. What is she supposed to do now? Offer a third time??? Try to see it from her point of view.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Are the children friends? Do they play well together? Sometimes you need to take one for the team and forge ahead with these friendships. Yes at the moment that involves you being there with them in a few years time it will be a case of 'would you mind picking them up because I have a hospital appointment?' These relationships with mothers of friends are important. Yes there are some mothers of friends whom I get on with better than others - they become my friends too and we meet for coffee even when dc aren't there. If the children hate each other then fine to cool the friendship.

I would probably text something like 'Been really hectic few weeks with DS's birthday. Next week is looking quiet maybe we can fix something for then.' Assuming you want the friendship for any of your dc.

[HaudYerWheeshtBawbag]

You need tone plain why you cannot, basically you've just left her hanging.

[Legma37]

I hate it when people say someone is needy because they actually ask if there is a problem to be sorted, rather than sit and stew over the declined invitations or running to AIBU to ask if they should dump the friendship.

[Supermagicsmile]

Agree with above. Explain why and hopefully she'll understand.

[choochooo]

She's just asking if she's upset you. Just reply to say no sorry you've been busy but do you want to meet up for a play date on 'x' day.

[JustAMusing]

No, she's not being needy, she's being direct.

She might prefer to do that and sort out any issue that might have arisen, rather than worry about whether she's upset you and start a thread on here about it.

I've read several threads on here where people have declined invitations without reason or return invite as a passive way of ending the friendship.

[LellyMcKelly]

Your excuses are really weak. Are you sure you want to meet her? It sounds as though you don't like her that much.

[Mummmy2017]

Why don't you just explain to her what you told us, seems fair to me.

[Shitalopram]

I have a different point of view to other posters really. It sounds as though this person is a casual acquaintance. You're not obliged to spend time with someone just because they ask a lot. If an acquaintance asked me to do last-minute meets twice and I declined, and then received a "have I upset you?" message, I would probably feel pressured and guilt-tripped.

If I'd declined a friend twice, that would be different.

[Buttonmushoomex]

She's not being needy, perhaps also she's concerned that you might be a bit stressed?

I agree, make an invite for them to come over now if you value the friendship.

[MyOtherNameIsTaken]

It's easier to lose friends than it is to make them.

The ball is in your court now.

[CalmShambala]

If you have to decline an invitation then always offer an alternative. That way it shows you value the friendship, you genuinely just can't do that day.

[tigerdriverII]

Well, I think she's being needy and the 'have I upset you ' is pure cringe. I can't stand the feeling of being obliged to "maintain " a friendship.

If this were me I would drop her like a stone detach.

[Needanewaura]

Are you just using this person because it's handy with the kids? It's hurtful to always be the option if she really thinks you're friends. Just make up your mind if she's an acquaintance or a friend and don't blur the lines as it's not fair on the other person.

[scottishdiem]

Needy? That is unreasonably harsh but I suppose plays into your perspective of the friendship of actually little more than passing acquaintances with actually little in common.

Perhaps she has a different understanding of your friendship and enjoys spending a bit of time with you and doesnt see the kids party circuit as social time with you.

Maybe her kid(s) like yours and were wondering if they could come round. You dont say if they have ever been to yours.

You need to decide what level of friendship you want with this woman and what level of friendship your kids can have with hers and act accordingly. If you think that she is being needy for wondering if she has upset you then I suspect you are not the friend she is looking for.

[NellieBuff]

I don't think she is needy. She invited you twice and you declined twice without given a good reason and without offering a future date as an alternative.

I have a friend (similar circumstance but our DC are a bit older) and I have been known to refuse simply because my work hours can be a bit random depending what we are working on. BUT I always apologise, explain why and say can we make it next week instead? She does the same to me so although we are not the closest of friends we jog along quite nicely.

Just a side note because we are not very close friends but friends she can often give a different insight into situations (and once when the chips were really down she stepped in more than some closer friends and proved herself to have a heart of gold).

Just send her a light text and arrange something light and fluffy for a different day

[AnathemaPulsifer]

She's not being needy. Declining twice without suggesting an alternative is a little unfriendly.

[BangkokBlues]

Just reply "gosh no, just needed a bit of time to chill at home. What about meeting up Saturday 8 July?"

[imsorryiasked]

She's over thinking your actions in the same way you're over thinking her text.
Just tell her what you've told us and arrange a time to meet up.
I hate being asked to do things on the spot and like to plan in advance - if you're the same let her know so that she doesn't worry in future.

[Batteriesallgone]

Sounds like she considers you a friend. I don't think that's needy at all but if you don't want to be friends with her you've backed yourself into a bit of a corner. Why do you always stop to have a long chat, if she's only an acquaintance surely you could just say hi occasionally and then go and talk to your real friends.

If I knew someone where every time I saw her at a mutual invite thing she stopped, made time for me and chewed the fat I'd consider her a friend and then be hurt to just be brushed off as an acquaintance.