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BF not speaking to me because I don't want to do a road trip in America

(87 Posts)
MissionItsPossible Wed 21-Jun-17 18:39:39

Sorry if this turns out to be long I will try to keep it as short as possible.

Okay my boyfriend (we are gay) mentioned yesterday that he wants us to go to America in the form of a road trip as our next holiday going through states. I pulled a face and he asked why not and then I basically said I wouldn't want to go because of the number of stories about the police shooting black men (I am mixed race black/white, BF is white). He said I was being stupid and ridiculous and we wouldn't have to worry about that because we are tourists (don't see how that makes any difference tbh?)

He pointed out that I have been to America before but I said that that was when I was a child on a family holiday to Disneyland at Florida, so I couldn't exactly refuse to go, and also because I was a child, I wasn't aware of things like that at that age so it wasn't the same thing. He then said I had said in the past I would love to go on a road trip (which is true, I had actually said it a couple of times in the past but my stance has changed in the last year or two seeing so many stories after stories regarding the issue). And I said yes, he was right that I did but now I've changed my mind and don't want to do one.

He was getting frustrated by this point and pointed out we have been to loads of countries where they have armed police but I argued back that those countries may have armed police but you don't hear story after story of how they shot and killed someone. Tbh although race plays a big part of why I don't want to go, I am scared of their police mentality (or what I perceive it to be) of shoot first and ask questions later applied to anyone.

He called me a stupid selfish little cunt and I shouted at him to get out my house, which he did, and we haven't spoken since.

I am prepared to be told IABU. Millions of people visit and live there every day of all races and don't get shot and manage to live their day to day lives, but I just have this sort of feeling that something would. I don't know if it's the driving thing - maybe because a lot of these cases seem to happen in cars. I can imagine driving and getting stopped and pulled over constantly if it's two guys in a car, one who is non-white. Maybe I am being stupid I don't know, but I've just got a gut feeling.

AIBU? Should I just go as I might end up enjoying it and it would be a great experience?

Loopytiles Wed 21-Jun-17 18:42:26

He verbally abused you because you didn't like his holiday idea? Not OK.

ImperialBlether Wed 21-Jun-17 18:42:58

He called me a stupid selfish little cunt

I wouldn't go to the end of the street with someone who talked to me like that. He sounds far more volatile than the police in the US.

ElspethFlashman Wed 21-Jun-17 18:43:41

A selfish little cunt??!

Just cos you don't fancy his stupid holiday that he sprung on you out of the blue?

Make him an ex boyfriend.

For what it's worth, I'm white as Casper and when our car was pulled over at a checkpoint in Nevada I almost shit myself. Not bloody worth it.

SenoritaViva Wed 21-Jun-17 18:45:01

He sounds horrid. When you plan a holiday you decide on something you both like.
I'd be ditching anyone who spoke to me like that.

Questioningeverything Wed 21-Jun-17 18:47:48

I'd end it with anyone who called me a cunt. I don't care how much I 'love' them.

gleam Wed 21-Jun-17 18:48:14

Well I feel the same, as a white middle-aged woman, so I don't blame you. It might be irrational in my case, but I don't fancy it, so I don't go.

There was absolutely no need for his rudeness.

Ellisandra Wed 21-Jun-17 18:50:47

I'm with the others - ditch him for the verbal abuse.
Up until that point I could understand his frustration, because to me your perception of the risk is unusually high. Not that you should be over ruled - just that I could understand frustration.
But that abuse?
Nope. Get rid.

TheWernethWife Wed 21-Jun-17 18:53:27

I feel the same as Gleam - have been to America before but have no hurry to return during the Trump administration.

MissionItsPossible Wed 21-Jun-17 18:54:41

Bit shock by people calling it abuse. I don't think so at all, it's just words. I'm not bothered by swearing myself. I don't feel in any danger from him. If he ever hit or physically hurt me he'd be an ex quicker than I could say the word ex. I'm just not sure if I'm being stupid and irrational about it and that I could be missing out on an amazing experience.

Loopyloppy Wed 21-Jun-17 19:01:45

All the white, straight people saying how they'd not see foot in America now- do fuck off and give your heads a good wobble. biscuit

As a gay, mixed race man there are definitely areas I'd avoid but plenty of wonderful places that would be perfectly safe, enough to get a very decent road trip out of.

Not everyone in the States is a racist homophobe (funny, that's how the Americans are starting to see much of Europe, especially Britain.)

Loopyloppy Wed 21-Jun-17 19:01:56

Set foot.

Notknownatthisaddress Wed 21-Jun-17 19:04:34

I don't think you would be in any danger and the trip sounds wonderful, but your boyfriend sounds like a grade A nasty bastard.

Are you sure you wanna be in this (seemingly toxic) relationship???

Bobbins43 Wed 21-Jun-17 19:06:25

YANBU. You don't want to go on holiday. For quite legitimate reasons. Your boyfriend needs to cool his jets a little.

Legma37 Wed 21-Jun-17 19:11:48

'He sounds far more volatile than the police in the US'


GingerPCatt Wed 21-Jun-17 19:13:55

Hell im a straight white middle aged American woman and I don't want to go there (I'm living in the U.K.)!

Hopefully in a few years things will be better and you may want to visit then...or not. He is being unreasonable over a holiday choice.

pandarific Wed 21-Jun-17 19:21:00

Well to insult and rage at people for daring to disagree with them is abusive - also, hardly supportive of your feelings, is he? I don't blame you for not wanting to visit the US in the current climate as a non-white person. I'd expect your partner to be understanding.

I mean, him being a bit disappointed if he'd set his heart on it would be normal. Insulting you and stomping off is very U, unless there's more to the story? Is he always such an arse when he doesn't get his way?

Whatsername17 Wed 21-Jun-17 19:21:28

I wish I could say you are over reacting regarding America, but I think it's a legitimate concern for a person of colour. There shouldn't be a 'Black Lives Matter' campaign because we shouldn't need one, but the number of deaths of black men at the hands of the police are shocking. I can see your boyfriend's point, statistically it is highly unlikely you will be targeted, but I can understand your worry. He should have called you names though, that was out of order.

MsJudgemental Wed 21-Jun-17 19:21:42

We're going on a road trip in Southern California this summer. Straight white couple, straight DS and white girlfriend. All of us hate Trump and the police killings of black youth. However, it is an incredibly beautiful country and you will be contributing to the income of black and white, gay and straight. He shouldn't be forcing you or abusing you but consider your choices sensibly. There are hate crimes everywhere; don't let that stop you living your life.

JaneEyre70 Wed 21-Jun-17 19:25:46

Regardless of wherever one of you wants to go on holiday, it needs to be somewhere you both want to go and enjoy. DH and I often disagree on holidays, so we find a compromise. To storm off in a strop isn't really very helpful. Does he do this a lot over other issues??

Clandestino Wed 21-Jun-17 19:28:18

All the white, straight people saying how they'd not see foot in America now- do fuck off and give your heads a good wobble.

Thank you but no thank you. Considering they'd potentially ask me for my passwords to social media apps, I will gladly pass. No intention of going to the US and be subjected to a potential third degree by some overeager moron. There are many other beautiful countries in the world.

OP, your boyfriend was very BU and a nasty big cunt.

TestTubeTeen Wed 21-Jun-17 19:33:42

Road trip where in the U.S? I think it makes a difference. I suspect your chances of being shot by police are nil to negligible, but I daresay there are states, or areas of states, where you couldn't guarantee a warm inclusive welcome as a mixed race gay couple in a small B&B.

He shouldn't be belittling your feelings, especially when he has not got the experience you have.

Justanothernameonthepage Wed 21-Jun-17 19:34:04

YANBU - he is dismissing your concerns out of hand and not listening to you.
A holiday should be something you both want to do and enjoy, he's saying his enjoyment and wants trump yours. That is not a good sign in a partnership.
I wouldn't feel safe in the US at the moment (with some exceptions in some areas) and really wouldn't feel safe driving cross-country. In fact, we had been planning a big family holiday there next year but decided against it due to various reasons.

VeryButchyRestingFace Wed 21-Jun-17 19:38:38

I pulled a face and he asked why not and then I basically said I wouldn't want to go because of the number of stories about the police shooting black men (I am mixed race black/white, BF is white).

I'm a teeny white female and I can easily understand your concerns.

But no matter whether your whitesplainin' boyfriend feels your fears are misfounded or straight up batshit, there's no justification for him speaking to you the way he did.

Has he even tried to contact you to apologise for his outburst?

Ohyesiam Wed 21-Jun-17 19:39:54

Nobody should go on enforced holidays, or be verbally avoided in this way. Not my idea of a fun relationship, but I have noticed that some people can do a much higher level of conflict than me.
I guess he will either come back when he's calmed down or not.

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