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Shoud dp go abroad without me?

(72 Posts)
Bhj Tue 20-Jun-17 10:58:29

I have developed anxiety in the last few years and feel terrified to fly or travel by boat. I also hate the heat, I burn very easily and sweat in the heat so the idea of sitting on a beach all day does not feel me with joy. My dp is desperate to go to Fiji for his 40th in 4 years time. He says that as I don't want to go he should be able to go alone whereas I think he should spend the money on a holiday in this country that both me,him and the dcs will enjoy. Who is bu?

VeryButchyRestingFace Tue 20-Jun-17 11:01:23

Have you taken steps to address your fear of flying/boating? You've got 4 years warning to at least try to manage it.

I imagine that could be rather restrictive.

dinosaursandtea Tue 20-Jun-17 11:04:01

I think it's ok to have a family holiday abroad that you can't go on, provided you do plenty of things in the UK as a family. My mum had health issues that stopped her going abroad, but my parents made the decision that we should still do it occasionally as it was good for us kids and nice for Dad to get away somewhere hot.

Quimby Tue 20-Jun-17 11:04:04

I think a life time of no foreign holidays bring unilaterally imposed is quite unreasonable.

But that probably shouldn't equate to solo jollies every time where you're just left with the kids.

So if he does start taking foreign holidays then that should be split so that half the time he takes the kids to give you a break if you want.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with him planning to fulfill a life long dream with plenty of notice when you're welcome to come with but choose not to.

I'd end up very resentful if a partner essentially decided for me that any ambitions to travel were now completely torpedoed

Pinkheart5912 Tue 20-Jun-17 11:04:40

I couldn't never go abroad again how boring and I wouldn't appreciate someone telling me I couldn't tbh

You've got 4 years notice to this holiday, can you not look in to addressing your fear? 4 years is a long time and surely in that time you address the issue

It's his 40th and no I don't think he'd be unreasonable to go, maybe he could take the dc I bet they'd love it and you could stay home

Haliez13 Tue 20-Jun-17 11:06:00

I think him, slightly, but I can sort of understand why he's a bit unhappy if he's someone who is a big traveller. I ended an engagement many years ago because my then-fiance said he could never cope with the thought of travelling to horrible strange places with weird water.

I then married my lovely spouse who shares my desire to go to random places, and agreed we'd raise nomadic kids. I think I'd be a bit sad if a major landmark birthday had to be spent somewhere in a small chilly island. Having said that, he did choose to marry you and have kids, so sometimes that's life. Plus, does he really want to spend his birthday without his loved ones there? That sounds pretty sad too.

So, H is being U, but I can see why he'd be sad that he can't travel anymore at all.

Bhj Tue 20-Jun-17 11:06:01

I have told him that if my anxiety improves I would be willing to go but not sure best how to address it. Any tips would be greatly received.

AreWeThereYet000 Tue 20-Jun-17 11:07:48

I'm going abroad without my partner in May as he isn't a fan of the sun, granted I'm taking the kids with me but that's my choice as I personally don't want them to miss out because of my partner and it's Spain so somewhere child friendly. I am planning a long weekend abroad with the girls though minus the kids... I don't think it's fair for him to only travel in the U.K. As you don't like travelling - as a one off for a milestone birthday I think it would be fair to let him go if the rest of your holidays are based in England. As PP has said have you thought about seeking help for travel anxiety 4 years is a long time to get it under control x

emmyrose2000 Tue 20-Jun-17 11:09:12

YABU

arbrighton Tue 20-Jun-17 11:09:12

Start by speaking to your GP and seeing what, if any referrals can be made

Or google 'travel phobia'

AreWeThereYet000 Tue 20-Jun-17 11:09:14

And speak to your GP abort the anxiety they may be able to refer you to counselling x

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 Tue 20-Jun-17 11:09:16

YABU. It's unfair to stop people travelling and seeing the world because of your anxiety (and I have had severe anxiety in the past so I know where you're coming from).

Holidays in the UK, as much as I love this country, just don't compare to a place like Fiji.

Go to your GP and get some CBT to tackle your anxiety. There is a lot you can do to overcome it, you just need to put in the effort.

FeckinCrutches Tue 20-Jun-17 11:09:37

You can't just keep your husband and children in this country forever though can you? That's not really fair. Four years is a massive amount of time to deal with this, what do you do now to address it OP
By the way, you can get trains all over Europe!

Justanothernameonthepage Tue 20-Jun-17 11:10:00

Well it's his 40th and he's made it clear that he really wants to fulfill a goal- you can do a family holiday where you avoid beaches for your next milestone if that's what you want, but it does seem a bit unfair to dictate what and where he can go as an adult. You don't have to like it or force yourself to go - but stopping him is BU.
4 years is a good amount of time to tackle any anxiety issues. Have you spoken to your GP or looked up any management techniques? Is the anxiety getting worse?
I say this with sympathy as I've developed anxiety around flying- but I know it's irrational and wouldn't want to limit my DH from doing something he really wanted to do.

Bhj Tue 20-Jun-17 11:10:06

OK so the general feel is that I am bu. Your suggestions have been helpful thank you.

rolopolovolo Tue 20-Jun-17 11:11:19

"Tips?" Really? How about going to your GP? How about googling "dealing with anxiety". I'm sorry but you need to make some effort to fix it! You have anxiety, not paralysis. It sounds like deep down you think he should just cater to you and I'm not sure why you think it's in any way fair.

Do you really think he's going to sit around for the rest of his life, never going abroad or seeing anywhere else in the world - ever? You are setting yourself up for the end of your relationship.

NavyandWhite Tue 20-Jun-17 11:11:27

You could try hypnotherapy OP. Or see your GP about your anxiety. I think yab a bit U to expect him not to go abroad without if I'm honest.

Osolea Tue 20-Jun-17 11:11:30

It would be incredibly unfair to stop him going or to do anything to make him feel guilty for it.

FeckinCrutches Tue 20-Jun-17 11:15:39

By the way, I'm not a great flyer, so my husband goes anywhere long haul without me (rio etc) it doesn't bother me at all. I go away by myself or friends instead.

Bhj Tue 20-Jun-17 11:20:23

Thanks for your tips. I never saw it as something to go to gp about but I will and fingers crossed be good to go in four years.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 Tue 20-Jun-17 11:22:06

You can recover from anxiety, OP. I know; I have. It took a LOT of work though and that's why people seem to think it's a lifelong condition when it's not; they can't be bothered and/or don't want to make the effort.

Glad to hear you're going to visit your GP flowers

BadLad Tue 20-Jun-17 11:24:08

Why is he set on going to Fiji specifically?

FairyDogMother11 Tue 20-Jun-17 11:24:32

My DP hates the heat so I regularly travel abroad without him. If he told me I couldn't go because he doesn't like the heat, I would not be impressed. I understand you have a fear but it's unreasonable to place that burden on other people. Either you try and deal with it, or you accept people will get on with their holidays without you. It is bad enough it restricts you, let alone your family too. I'd suggest going and getting some counselling, there is so much out there you could be seeing and doing. Don't let this hold any of you back!

londonmummy1966 Tue 20-Jun-17 11:27:12

Some of the bigger airlines do "training sessions" for nervous fliers. A friend of mine was like this and did one - now she happily flies long haul to the Far East for holidays.

Thisismyoutingname Tue 20-Jun-17 11:28:36

go and do the 'fly without fear' course, virgin do one, www.flyingwithoutfear.co.uk/ my son did it (he is ASD and wouldnt fly at all)

we have since taken him to the caribbean, and to the USA more than once

please do it - its a great start to helping with your anxiety

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