To not want to commit to staying in my mum's house(110 Posts)
So this is another situation where I'm not sure who's the unreasonable one.
My mum is sick and undergoing treatment. I have two sisters, one lives with her, one has moved out in the last year. I am married and have lived away from my mum's house for about 15 years. I live about half an hour away. My other sister is maybe 15 mins away.
My sister that lives at home has asked that we set up a rota to visit mum as she feels the burden of care. That's not unreasonable.
However she wants us to visit two evenings a week and stay over one night a week.
I am pregnant (5 months). My mum had treatment this time last year and I was pregnant then too. I dragged myself over to see her and cook dinner twice a week despite morning sickness, working etc. Unfortunately I lost the baby at 15 weeks last July. I was devastated. It took me two or three months to recover physically and I "recovered" mentally in February when I discovered I was once again pregnant. So 8 months feeling heartbroken, and all the other negative feelings of wondering if I'd be able to have another baby, would this baby live, watching all my friends give birth etc. It was the worst year of my life.
When I discovered I was pregnant again my sister (who lives at home) became seriously ill and was in hospital for 6 weeks (I'm the poster from the hospital/car thread if anyone read that). So once again, during my early pregnancy, instead of snuggling up and relaxing on my sofa I was in to the hospital every day.
Now thankfully my sister is home. My pregnancy is going well but I am taking aspirin once a day and injecting myself once a day to avoid a recurrence of last time .
I have been visiting my mum definitely once a week, often twice a week, bearing in mind I live 30 mins away and work, have a husband and have commitments to his family as well.
My sister lives at home. One of the cons of this is she is at home with mum. One of the pros is she's not paying €20,000 in rent each year, never mind bills.
Mum doesn't need serious care. She needs cups of tea made, medicine/glass of water brought to her in bed. Dinner handed to her (which my sister is cooking for herself anyway) when she's not feeling great. It's not a bum-wiping, hoisting in and out of bed situation.
I'm fine to visit twice a week. Most weeks. I'm not fine with staying over. My sister lives there anyway. I live with my husband. I honestly also quite dislike staying in other people's houses. I'm not happy to commit to one night a week.
Am I selfish?
Also, I'm pregnant. I want to look after me and my baby.
Any opinions welcome. Thanks
I do understand where you are coming from, but your sister who lives with your mum probably needs a break too.
What does your sister who lives 15 mins away do?
No, you are not selfish. You need to put yourself and your baby first at the moment. If your sister cannot cope she can spend some of the money she saves on rent on a carer.
How long is this likely to be for?
To be honest I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Your sister does 7 days a week. Taking a share of that is only fair. I live half an hour from my folks. My sister is nearer. I wouldn't dream of expecting her to do it all.
I did read the other thread. I think you need to say two evenings is all you can do. Once the baby is born it will be more difficult
But OP is visiting twice a week, so the other sister isn't doing it all. She also has a hgh risk pregnancy to think about.
i think given you have a problematic pregnancy (daily injections are certainly not the norm) it would not be unreasonable to say that you cannot do more than you currently do until the baby is born.
I don't think you're being unreasonable to say you won't stay every week but your sister probably badly needs a break. Could you maybe go for a Friday and Saturday night once a month so that she gets a weekend off?
Perhaps your sister wants to go out for the night and not have to worry. I'd try to do my bit now before baby arrives as your not going to be able to then
Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss last year. Congratulations on this pregnancy and all the best wishes for it to be a smooth one.
how long is she going to need care? Weeks, months, indefinitely?
If it's fairly short term then I think you should commit to helping twice a week but not to staying over. Maybe you and your other sister can sort something out if your at-home sister is going away, but not on a regular basis.
But you need to consider your own family as well, especially if she'll need long term care. When you have a newborn you may find you can't commit to regular days if the baby has good days and bad days, clusterfeeding, reflux etc. And obviously staying over will be much harder/impossible
I do understand at-home sister feeling it's all falling to her. But she benefits from living rent free at home. The care your mum needs isn't intimate or overly demanding. Is she able to be left alone while your sister works?
What is the other sister up to?
Personally I think you should look after yourself. May sound selfish, but it's your life and your pregnancy. I think popping over twice a week for a visit is fine, but you shouldn't have to stay overnight.
Could your mum come for a night at yours once a fortnight?
Where's your other sister in all this?
I think you need medical advice before you commit to anything- it sounds like a high-risk pregnancy, and you need to make sure you don't put your own health at risk.
I expect I know the answer to this already, but is there no help at all available from care services given that your mum and sister are both ill?
You need to stress to them the issue of your pregnancy which you are not willing to put at risk. Tell them you will continue as things are and look to discuss it once you have passed the newborn stage.
Could you look into supermarket delivery, cleaners, carers, batch cooking or meal delivery to take some of the stress away from your sister?
Two evenings a week is a perfectly reasonable contribution to make. YY to your sister paying for a night nurse one night a week if she feels the need (or is she doing that already?)
I wouldn't stay overnight in your position or mine. You'd only be able to do it for a couple of months anyway. Is your at home sister still unwell? Does your mum really need someone overnight? Two evenings seems plenty. Maybe you could help out by making some meals that could be put in the freezer.
So my sister who lives closer visits once/twice a week in the evening - she has an exercise class / gym visit two evenings a week around the corner and stays one of the nights and goes to work from there. She works closer and starts later than me. And she had been living there up until 8 months ago so has her own room etc. She also visits one weekend day.
I visit one weekend day and usually one week day. This week for example I couldn't visit during the week so I called over Mon Fri and Sunday. But some weeks I can call over more, some less.
I think a lot of it is my sister and mum being in close proximity all the time, not necessarily the work load. So the mental work load I suppose. But I don't want that mental workload so I pay to live elsewhere. I appreciate that my sister can't afford to move out, but if you choose to live at home, you choose to live with your parents and that involves spending all your time when you're at home with them. Because they live there.
I am not working during the summer but will be back in work in late August /September prior to maternity leave.
I am fine really with visiting during the day. Twice or three times a week, whatever.
It's the overnight visit I'm resisting. It's likely to be once a week all summer. But my mum doesn't need care all the time, it's usually the week of her treatment that she feels like she can't do much for herself.
I feel like my sister is making a point by demanding we stay over a night a week. But she lives there anyway and sleeps there anyway.
My other sister does her fair share. Two evenings, one overnight. She's not in a relationship/no children.
The care my mum needs at night - afaik - is to be checked on before going to bed to make sure she doesn't need a drink of water etc/ has taken the tablets. Not that she needs help to remember them , but you know how you go to bed and get settled and don't want to get up and go downstairs. And then breakfast in bed in the morning if she's not up to getting up and making it herself.
We can't have mum over here as we only have a one bedroom house. I doubt she'd come anyway. I don't think she thinks she needs as much help as my sister thinks she does.
I feel it's more my sister feeling hard done by as opposed to anything else. Easy for me to judge though when I'm not there.
But when I went round yesterday mum had invited us for dinner, made tea etc. So it's not a full time care situation.
She has treatment every three weeks and seems to be not herself for maybe a week or ten days. The overnight visit each week seems to be to relieve the mental load on my sister of living there
Yes visit twice a week. No reason to sleep over. That's your sister being pedantic and silly.
You could be a bit kinder about your sister though. If she did move out tomorrow your mum might find life a lot more difficult- and so might you. Did you ever think that she may feel unable to move out now that your mum needs her?
You're sister has had a lot of support from you daily while in hospital. I wonder if she got very used to it and now thinks it's very easy for you to pop along?
Hang on. So the sister on whom most of the care is falling was sick enough only a few months ago, that she was in hospital for 6 weeks? I'd have expected her to still need some help herself, rather than being in a fit state to care for her mum.
I think you should perhaps imagine how you might feel if the roles were reversed and you were the one living with your Mum with a sister who didn't want to do what you are asking of her. Your Mum is the responsibility of all 3 of you - not just the sister who lives at home. I can also understand that your sister needs a break sometimes - and maybe your Mum needs a break from your sister as well. I find my own mother very challenging, so I can well imagine your sister needing a break.
I also don't get how staying over your Mums house for one night a week puts your pregnancy at risk? If it's just making sure she takes her tablets before bed and maybe making her breakfast in the morning, it isn't that hard is it? Not like if you were having to wash and dress her and get her into the bath etc. I'm sorry, but I think you are being a teensy bit selfish here
You could look into whether social services or the council can provide any help for your Mum. Or you could contribute to outside help coming in if you don't want to do it yourself
barbarian yes, you're right about that and I have considered it. It's a good point.
Nocoolnamesleft yes, it's my sister who was sick who is at home. But the minding my mum needs is cups of tea and dinner handed to her some evenings. My sister was sick, very sick, but is now getting back to herself, exercising, socialising, cooking for herself. The support she gives mum at night is checking on her before she goes to bed and when she gets up in the morning to see if she needs anything. It's not a "carer" situation, it's more a "companion" situation
You need to visit twice a week , every week , not most weeks.
Your injections are they Clexane? Has your consultant advised rest?
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