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To not want someone in my house who sexually assaulted my friend at school.

(68 Posts)
greencattis Mon 19-Jun-17 20:55:25

DH and I have been together since school and had the same friendship group in sixth form. One of the boys in the group sexually assaulted my friend when we were all 17. It was incredibly traumatic for her and really changed her personality, clothing and behaviour afterwards. She never reported it to the police or school. She told me and one other friend and asked us to explain to the others in the friendship group that she just didn’t want to be around this boy again. She did not tell anyone else but this boy told a lot of people in our sixth form pre-emptively that they had been involved but she had now invented an assault and that she was a liar/ fantasist/ drama queen. A lot of random people then started saying horrible things to her/ giving her dirty looks etc. It was absolutely horrible and I remember how furious I was for her but she just wanted to keep her head down and get through it.

Over 10 years later and we have moved back to the area we went to school. I still count the girl as a friend although we have drifted over the years due to geography and I only tend to see her at weddings etc. DH has got back in touch with many of our former school friends and started seeing them regularly as a group. He feels he is able to be polite to the boy (man now) and just doesn’t think about what happened.

This group regularly go around to each other’s houses and hubby would like to have them around here but I just cannot stand the thought of him setting foot in our house, meeting our DS or even seeing him at all. I feel he never admitted what he did or how he made it so much worse by calling her a liar (when nobody even knew!) and got away with temporarily ruining her life. I know the other men in the group are a mixture of thinking it was all so long ago that it doesn’t matter or believe that she really did make it up in the first place – which makes me additionally angry! I would like to see these old friends again and want DH to be able to have his friends over but it seems impossible to do this and exclude this man as it would become a big, divisive drama and not fair on DH. I also don’t know if I could look my friend in the face if she ever found out I had welcomed him into my home. DH is being really lovely and saying he completely understands if I don’t want this man here but I know this friendship group is very important to him. AIBU not to want this man in the house when what he did was a decade ago?

BarbarianMum Mon 19-Jun-17 20:57:31

YANBU. Invi
Ting a sexual predator into ypur house is madness. I'd be really surprised if your df was his only victim.

BarbarianMum Mon 19-Jun-17 20:57:58

Sorry that got a bit mangled blush

Purplemac Mon 19-Jun-17 20:58:24

YANBU and if your husband is fine with having him there then I would seriously question why he is excusing his behaviour. We all did shit things as teenagers but most of us managed not to sexually assault anyone.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble Mon 19-Jun-17 21:00:22

Hes a sex attacker , why would your oh want someone like that anywhere near his child and partner

WomanWithAltitude Mon 19-Jun-17 21:01:06

YANBU. This man hasn't shown any remorse. He's an unrepentant sexual offender. It would change my opinion of my DH if he decided to rekindle a friendship with someone like that.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Mon 19-Jun-17 21:02:38

YANBU. I doubt this man's character has improved with age. Why would your DP wish to associate with a sexual predator?

ChasedByBees Mon 19-Jun-17 21:03:29

I wouldn't have him in the house either. I'd also be disappointed that your DH can be polite to him.

SmileEachDay Mon 19-Jun-17 21:05:53

YANBU. You're being an excellent friend and person.

Invite the others, if sexual assault guy asks why, then something like "it feels too uncomfortable as we are very good friends with X" should do it. I doubt he'll kick up a fuss.

That's only in case you don't want to go for the door sign that reads "Sexual predators not welcome here".

Nelly5678 Mon 19-Jun-17 21:09:45

Yanbu. It's your home and if you don't want him there don't have him there. If your husband wants a relationship with him that's up to him but it's not hard to go to the pub or a BBQ or something

LemonSqueezy0 Mon 19-Jun-17 21:09:49

Oh hell no!! It could be 100 years ago and it still matters! Your DH isn't being lovely saying he doesn't mind either way, if he'd happily have that sexual predator in your home, around you, in a friendship group KNOWING what he did. It makes my skin crawl. Don't minimise what he did, please.

fuzzyfozzy Mon 19-Jun-17 21:12:33

He would have needed to have acknowledged what happened and apologised for me to have him in my home.

Squishedstrawberry4 Mon 19-Jun-17 21:13:34

You're DH should invite the gang round but tell the man that you're not comfortable with him attending after what he did to friend in 2007. It doesn't need to be a big thing. Your husband can say he respects your decision not to allow the man over the threshold.

C0untDucku1a Mon 19-Jun-17 21:16:58

I Would not have him round.

blubberball Mon 19-Jun-17 21:17:43

Yanbu.

greencattis Mon 19-Jun-17 21:19:36

Thank you for the feedback. I completely agree that it was very wrong and I don't mean to minimalise it- I feel very bad that I may have done this. Do you think it's reasonable to say clearly that this is the reason even though the new partners/girlfriends of these people know nothing about it?

Cuppaoftea Mon 19-Jun-17 21:22:31

Your DH just doesn't think about what happened? Well that's alright for him then isn't it, I bet your friend still has to deal with thoughts of the attack now.

Never have this man in your home, don't ever doubt again you're doing the right thing. Disgusted with your DH's attitude, far from lovely. He is accepting of the fact that some of the men in the group now believe the predator's lies and would willingly have him round you and your child. He needs new friends.

Loopytiles Mon 19-Jun-17 21:22:53

Yanbu, and your DH should avoid the fucker.

itsbetterthanabox Mon 19-Jun-17 21:24:52

I think you should say everyone else can come and clearly explain why he cannot. If anyone else is unwilling to come because you've excluded him then they are also not people you should want in your home anyway.

SweetLuck Mon 19-Jun-17 21:25:52

Absolutely it's reasonable to say why! If he doesn't want people to call him out on being a sex attaker he should try not being a sex attacker.

itsbetterthanabox Mon 19-Jun-17 21:25:52

If their wives/gfs don't know about this then they should! They are potentially at risk from this man. Of course you should alert them.

ForalltheSaints Mon 19-Jun-17 21:26:05

I only wish that your friend would feel able to go to the police, even now. Those assaulted such as her are more likely to be treated with care when reporting it, as has been shown with those who Rolf Harris assaulted.

Inertia Mon 19-Jun-17 21:28:22

I wouldn't want him in my house- not only because of the awful things he did to your friend, but also because he may well still present a risk to your or your child's safety.

slightlyglitterbrained Mon 19-Jun-17 21:30:24

It isn't clear whether this guy is one of the 1 in 25 serial offenders. What is clear, is that your husband's friendship group is fertile ground to support one of these predators.

Your DH should read this. Yes, it's long. But it is his responsibility to make sure he doesn't provide cover for predators.

yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/meet-the-predators/

SmileEachDay Mon 19-Jun-17 21:30:31

Do you think it's reasonable to say clearly that this is the reason even though the new partners/girlfriends of these people know nothing about it?

Yes.

You don't have to publically announce it, but you should not feel pressured into keeping it secret.

I think I would tell him why he wasn't welcome. If anyone directly asked me, I'd explain to them. If he started playing silly buggers, I'd hire a marching band and broadcast it.

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