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To feel fed up over this?

(24 Posts)
strugglingfinancially Mon 19-Jun-17 20:50:42

Well it's my partners working hours. He works 37.5 a week and It's supposed to be a rota basis and his shifts are supposed to vary every week to 'meet the needs of the company' but he works every single Monday 9am-21:00 so he can ensure that his service users get all activities done needed on a Monday ( he works in the care industry)
Then he works every single Wednesday from 9am-20:00 so the Wednesday activities get done too. Then he does an over night shift every week and the day does vary in this one like this week it's Thursday and then comes home Friday and he does one other shift as well which varies. He gets 2 days off a week. There are other staff there but it seems like my partner and another guy do these long shifts whilst others get to start later and have their family life fitted around their job. The manger gets to pick and choose when she works around her family. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that our family life evolves around what activities his service users have? It's really hard at bedtime because the kids don't sleep till he's back and when he comes through the door they sleep straight away no noise nothing. I'm a SAHM and life is so stressful, I feel like every night I spend shouting at the kids and I don't get to relax until 21:00-22:00 when he gets back Monday and Wednesday. I don't think his job is suitable for family life.. am I being unreasonable to say that? I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it. All the stress lands onto me. I've felt low lately and feel like i don't want to be here some days

strugglingfinancially Mon 19-Jun-17 20:53:11

Obviously I know he has to work as here is no way I wouldn't want him to its just so stressful and I feel life should be better than this

ChicRock Mon 19-Jun-17 20:55:15

Sounds great to me - you have him home 2 days a week plus weekends.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 19-Jun-17 21:06:33

I work three days a week and when I'm at work I'm usually out the house from 06.45 until 21-30. I actually think it works very well with family life as it means I'm home four days a week and I'd much prefer that to being in a job that meant I was out of the house between 8.30am until 6pm Mon-Fri.

Your post isn't overly clear though as to whether his "two days off a week" is on top of having the weekend off, or he just gets two days off in a 7 day period?

If it's the former then I imagine a lot of SAHM would love their partner to be around as much as yours is

Try and focus on the positives OP flowers

strugglingfinancially Mon 19-Jun-17 21:08:09

Chick rock I don't gave him home weekends because he does a shift at weekend too. He works 5 days out of 7 and his 2 days off Vary. Like this week his days off are Saturday and Sunday ( only because it's our daughters birthday) but usually he will have a day off Tuesday and Sunday and working late the other days

strugglingfinancially Mon 19-Jun-17 21:10:43

No he doesn't get his days off on top of weekend. He has 2 days off in a 7 day period. He's only allowed one weekend off per month and that would take up his 2 days off that week so he has to work all week late shifts just to get his one weekend off a month

mickeysminnie Mon 19-Jun-17 21:13:21

So if he does two long shifts and then 3 half days with two full days off? Doesn't seem bad to me!

Writerwannabe83 Mon 19-Jun-17 21:14:37

So if he does 11/12 hour shifts on Monday and Wednesday (so 23 hours) how are his remaining 14.5 hours spread out over the other 3 days?

Could he change some of his late shifts to early shifts so he's home for bedtime?

JojoLapin Mon 19-Jun-17 21:14:38

My husband usually gets home at 9pm and works 5 days a week. It's ok, our family dynamic. Stop shouting at your kids every night (?!) and as writer says focus on the positive.

Babbitywabbit Mon 19-Jun-17 21:20:14

It's tough with young kids, but (without meaning to sound unsympathetic) there are pros and cons to every situation.

If you go out to work, it might mean he can cut his hours and be around more at home; the downside is paying childcare.

A big problem seems to be the dynamic with the kids though... why on earth don't they go to bed til he comes home?

justkeepswimmingg Mon 19-Jun-17 21:31:02

My DH sadly works 7 days a week, most weeks, as well as long hours. Can sometimes get a day off every 2/3 months sad. It's not due to needing the money as such, it's more that work need him, and he's the only person that has a certain skill within his trade. They take the biscuit out of him.
I'd love my DH to do your DHs shifts. But yes I do understand how hard it makes it at home for you, and I do feel for our DS not seeing his dad as much as he should. Being a SAHM is tough in itself (talking from experience). Do whatever makes your day easier, without feeling any guilty (even if it's hours of kids tv to have a well deserved cuppa and slice of cake).

RainbowsAndUnicorn Mon 19-Jun-17 21:54:18

37.5 hours work is just full time, lots work far more plus have their partner working too.

Given you don't work them you must have lots of family time together as there are still 130 plus hours when he's not at work.

If you can't cope with him working so little, maybe you need to look,at why.

HeddaGarbled Mon 19-Jun-17 22:06:45

I honestly don't think his working hours are unreasonable.

But you are clearly struggling, especially on the two days a week that he does late shifts. Why don't the children sleep until he comes in? Are they waiting for him? Why are you shouting at them? What are they doing to make you shout?

On his short days, can you get some time off, maybe time out of the house on an activity just for you or to see friends or family? Do you get out during the day to do social things with the children? Do you think you need to see your GP about how low you are feeling lately?

Being a SAHM can be stressful and tiring and lonely. I think you need some support with that and I'm not convinced that your H getting home a few hours earlier 2 evenings a week is going to fix it.

Steamgirl Mon 19-Jun-17 22:10:25

Not meaning to be unsympathetic but I think yabu and you need to count your blessings instead of moaning. I'd give anything to be able to 'not relax until 21-22:00' just two days a week. I rarely sit down until after 10pm every day.

Single working parent, 2 amazing dc, elderly parents, unreliable mostly absent Disney dad ex. All the stress really does land on to me but I'm proud of what I achieve.

And yes, I do shout at the kids sometimes. grin

Vanillaisboring666 Mon 19-Jun-17 22:13:38

2 days off a week sounds great. I'm married to a farmer and he works every single day of the year. Leaves at 7am and at the moment. Is not returning home till approx 1030 pm (will be later during harvest) . We have 4 dcs and although he is a great dad when around iv been a married single mam of 4 and if he was home 2 days a week I'd love it. Sorry op YABU

Dishwashersaurous Mon 19-Jun-17 22:19:32

So he works full time and only two of those are long days?

Like others I'm slightly confused as to what the problem is.
But you are clearly not happy. What age are the children? "if they won't go to sleep until he's back then you need to tackle that.

Many, many, many, most probably dads are not back for Bedtime every night

Helloitsme88 Mon 19-Jun-17 22:20:00

I work 30 hours a week. 5 days. My DH works 6 but chooses his hours. He's out till 10, 5 nights a week. Kids play up for me. But they have to get over it and sleep when I'm doing the bedtime. It's not fair on them otherwise. Welcome to working families. It's hard but it does get easier. I found going back to work helped me. But ideally I would like to reduce my hours to 3/4 days a week (term time only)

Chloe84 Mon 19-Jun-17 22:28:38

OP, do you mean he ends up working more than 37.5 hours per week?

If he does 12 hours on a Mon, and 11 hours on a Tues, that's already 23 hours. How are his remaining 14.5 hours split if he works 5 days per week?

Whathaveilost Mon 19-Jun-17 22:28:48

I used to do shifts like that when the boys were small. I loved it to be honest. I worked with adults with a learning disabilities. I got a lot of work done over the long hours an then got a lot of time off. DH spent a lot sorting the boys but it went well. I used to work 148 hours over a month rather than 37 hours a week.
I'd love to do that again.

Chloe84 Mon 19-Jun-17 22:29:36

11 hours on a Wed, sorry

cricketqueen Mon 19-Jun-17 22:33:01

I can understand why it's frustrating. Being a sahm can be hard. My dh used to do shift work and the uncertainty week to week was very frustrating however he know works set hours which has it's downfalls as well. He now works 6 days one week 5 days the next (every other weekend off) so 45hrs a week. Only you can work out what is best for you as a family but I think most of the time it's hard for work and family to work together all of the time.

nutbrownhare15 Mon 19-Jun-17 22:37:38

Have a look at for help with anger/ not shouting at/ dealing with the kids

ChicRock Mon 19-Jun-17 22:42:00

Your post makes no sense, I can't work out what you mean.

Are you saying he works more than 37.5 hours then?

Gazelda Mon 19-Jun-17 22:45:54

What exactly are you fed up,with? Is it the number of hours he works? Or that his shifts aren't regular (other than mon and weds)? What do think would work better for your family?

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