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AIBU to feel excluded or is this mummy "friend" actually a toxic weirdo?

(63 Posts)
Cinnabunbun Mon 19-Jun-17 18:27:41

I made some good local mummy friends during mat leave. There are 7 or 8 women from a mix of NCT and baby groups that I'm still in touch with regularly and have play dates with. There is one woman in the group who I find really annoying but our days off match and kids are at the same nursery so we cross paths lots. I'm struggling a lot with this particular mum as she is constantly arranging play dates, day trips and mums nights out and invites everyone in the group in various configurations except for me. I'm feeling really excluded and upset by her little digs and it's got the the point where even her voice really grates on me and I don't want to be around her.

So I should be fine about her excluding me from meet ups right? Only I'm not because she has suddenly started spending lots of time on trips and nights out with my closest friends in the group. It's not as if any of us have massive social lives due to having 3 year olds and all working part/full time but it bugs me when I'm at book group with them and they are all talking about stuff that I wasn't invited to or fixing times for things the next day when they know I'm off too but I've not been invited to.

It's really bad manners to do that right? I'm feeling really sad and insecure about it all as when I do try to set up one to one play dates with my friends I'm constantly met with "sorry, X already invited us to go somewhere else". I haven't got the front to say "ooh can I come?" As that feels kind of rude, also I really don't enjoy this one particular woman's company. But is that what other people would do? Should I just take the hint that they don't actually want me around anymore? I feel like I've come up against some weird kind of queen bee and I don't know how to handle her. AIBU? Any hints on books or strategies that might help get her to back off and stop trying to take over my friendships and exclude me from them?

luckylucky24 Mon 19-Jun-17 18:37:44

Next time they are discussing an event that they haven't invited you too turn up anyway and act like you had no idea they would be there.
Then after you have made them feel awkward bin them off. If you are good friends with a few then invite them to stuff you want to do.

ProfessorHannigan Mon 19-Jun-17 18:40:51

This is horrible of her and look up Wendying on here (it's it's Mumsnet term) about women who worm their way into friendship groups and bully others out of them. You're not alone.

ChasedByBees Mon 19-Jun-17 18:43:50

I have the same problem OP. its depressing and I've decided the only thing to do is to try and make new friendship groups she has no part of.

2littlemoos Mon 19-Jun-17 18:45:56

Have your other friends said nothing about it? As they're discussing it in front of you I would have thought the subject of you not being invited would have come up?

Did you not like each other in the first place or did she perhaps get vibes that you didn't enjoy her being there.

If so, you can't blame her for not inviting you.

I would invite everyone out, including her, for a night out. Maybe after a drink you can both (hopefully) clear the air?

WorraLiberty Mon 19-Jun-17 18:52:52

You're blaming this one woman when in actual fact, none of them are contacting you to invite you along.

She may be the organisational one, but the others are just as much in the wrong imo, if they're supposed to be your friends.

RaspberryPi1 Mon 19-Jun-17 18:58:27

What does your best friend in the group say? If she is a proper friend she will say something....

Cinnabunbun Mon 19-Jun-17 18:59:57

Wendying.... wow! Just having a quick search now. I feel much less alone with it now thank you!

2littlemoos... yes she has always annoyed me a bit. She has one of those really fake projecting at all times voices.

I've never chosen to spend one to one time with her so I know it sounds weird that I'm annoyed at her not inviting me to things. It's more that I'm annoyed by my closer friends doing lots of one to one or smaller group things with her but without me.

I feel about 13 again!

Cinnabunbun Mon 19-Jun-17 19:02:37

Worraliberty and raspberrypi1 - yes i'm really surprised that my closet friend in the group haven't been suggesting to invite me. One in particular who I used to have a regular weekly play date with is now hanging out with this woman instead 😢

Cinnabunbun Mon 19-Jun-17 19:02:55

Closer, not closet

GdayKitty Mon 19-Jun-17 19:04:24

So sorry to hear this is happening - you have my sympathies! I didn't know this was a Thing, (with a name and everything!) but it seems to be very common occurence. Ot happened to me at school and with the friends I made at my kids' school. Bear in mind you are likely to make a whole new set of friends in a year or so when your little one starts school grin
flowers

Cinnabunbun Mon 19-Jun-17 19:04:56

I'm starting to feel almost paranoid, like something has been said and they are all being a bit awkward around me. And the more I worry about this one woman, the more she annoys me, the more I must give off a bad vibe, the more unreasonable I must sound.... I could cry..

WorraLiberty Mon 19-Jun-17 19:06:00

Are there any reasons you can think of?

Have you suddenly become a competitive parent? Do you find yourself stealth boasting about your kids? Could you be doing/saying anything that makes them feel like shit parents?

I don't know, I'm clutching at straws but if you honestly can't think of a reason why your friends no longer want to spend time with you, I guess you'll have to ask them or you'll be forever wondering why.

They do sound a bit like fair weather friends though.

PoppyFleur Mon 19-Jun-17 19:07:30

OP your annoyance should be directed to your friends, if you don't really like the woman she has clearly sensed it and no longer bothers with you.

However, your friends aren't exactly including you. When they say they are busy on a particular day, do you ask them to suggest a date they are free?

Deemail Mon 19-Jun-17 19:09:57

Next time they're discussing something would you be able to address that you've not been asked.
What about just saying "oh am I the only one out of the group not asked" or something similar?

Mysterycat23 Mon 19-Jun-17 19:14:21

If you hear them discussing a plan chip in with a superficial comment "ooh I love the coffee there" "ooh is that the one near the school?" "ooh great idea, its too hot for the park" etc.

Think of it as extreme passive agressiveness. They started it, you're fighting back!

eddielizzard Mon 19-Jun-17 19:15:54

completely ignore queen bee and go back to your close friends and try and make other plans. eg. weekly play date friend ask her when she's next free for a play date. don't suggest a particular date, get her to suggest one. if she side steps it's your opportunity to ask if there's a problem, although be prepared for a 'no problem at all'.

ask your other close friends to things. if they all say no you know something's been said. they may tell you but just as likely not.

in which case time to ditch the lot of them. the queen bee has poisoned the lot. bloody awful.

a lot of bad things happen in the world not just because of bad people but because no one was strong enough to stand up to them. if i see this sort of behaviour now i don't put up with it.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 19-Jun-17 19:16:19

It is horrible, but you don't like being around her, so asking to come along is no good. Just arrange with those who you get on with , something well in advance, if they say no X we are doing something with X or they drop you in favour of X, than they are not friends, and best to move onto friendships she is not part of.

TinselTwins Mon 19-Jun-17 19:21:15

You don't like her, so why do you want her to make plans with you?

She is allowed to be friends with your friends, this isn't primary school, you have mutual friends and you're not friends - what's the problem, just be a grown up and give your friends as much notice as she's giving them!

Cinnabunbun Mon 19-Jun-17 19:22:13

Thanks for being honest - it's exactly why I came on here to post as I feel like my emotional response to this woman is becoming really out of proportion.

At a playgroup today there were 4 of us from the mums group and she invited both the other mums and their kids back to hers for an "afterparty" right in front of me. She was literally talking over me as the 4 of us were sat in a line watching the kids in the room. I was sat in between the 2 women she invited and she said both of their names but not mine. I felt myself blushing and so awkward but couldn't think what to say. Then when we were all packing up to leave the other 2 mums were just really normal and unphased by it all. I felt like saying "do you think it's a bit weird that X didn't invite me?" But it felt wrong to say it and I can imagine her making a big thing of it and turning it around so it looks like I'm in the wrong to suggest it if you know what I mean.

Cinnabunbun Mon 19-Jun-17 19:25:55

Eddielizzard - thank you for the tips. I'm going to try those steps and see what happens. It's so hard when you are emotional about things to try and think of a sensible plan of action.

TinselTwins Mon 19-Jun-17 19:26:11

It's more that I'm annoyed by my closer friends doing lots of one to one or smaller group things with her but without me.

I feel about 13 again!

You sound it

Maybe they like her more because they don't get pissed off vibes from her if she invites them and they say they have other plans?

Pumpkintopf Mon 19-Jun-17 19:28:01

If she does this so blatantly in front of you why would you not just say 'any particular reason I'm the only one not invited?!' Just ask her!!

Aeroflotgirl Mon 19-Jun-17 19:28:13

cinnabun that would not have bothered me, as you don't like her anyway, and she probably knows that, hence not inviting you, but the others lack of response is very telling. I personally would start distancing myself from the lot of them, it seems like the friendship has run its course, and that they have no desire to be your friend outside the group.

Cinnabunbun Mon 19-Jun-17 19:28:33

I'm coming around to the idea that I'm just being bumped out of the group and the others seem to prefer her company to mine. It does sound like primary school when I say it out loud but I'm still really sad that it feels like she has taken over my friendships

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