To be angry

[BeingMePls]

Issues with 21year old DD, in my previous threads.

She comes over and is so obviously gushing to her dad, buys him a present for Father's Day, and note inscribed in card says "thank you for always trying your hardest". Except he hasn't always tried his hardest and I've ALWAYS had to close the gap.

It was all I could do to hold the tears - and I'm know she saw. She does it just to hurt me.

They've all gone out today without me, so I went out for lunch and I'm back now drinking rose. The reality of the situation has just hit me again and I'm sobbing like a banshee.

I know I'm being unreasonable, jealous, petty and everything else under the sun, but AIBU really to kick her off MY Netflix, Sky and Spotify accounts. I apparently don't do anything for her anyway...

I just need talking down...

[cheesydoesit]

I haven't read your previous threads but I can understand your upset. Why didn't you all go out for lunch together?

[MrsHathaway]

Gosh I think her words are damning of him, aren't they? "At least you tried" is about as patronising as you can be.

There is something flattering to be found in being the one taken for granted: it means you're reliable and honest and all good things.

But yeah, change the passwords. Why not? Sounds like she doesn't live with you so she doesn't need them anyway.

[cheesydoesit]

Ah right I have read one of your previous threads about her, I remember reading it at the time actually. It sounds like you have a complex relationship and although it doesn't seem fair now that she treats you like this I feel sorry for the abusive environment she grew up in. Have you tried any form of mediation or counselling with her or isn't she interested? I can kind understand her resentment. How is 'D'H now and how was he to your younger child growing up?

[ThePinkOcelot]

Why didn't you go with them too?

[happypoobum]

I don't understand - why didn't you go out together?

[Offherhead]

I think we're supposed to infer she wasn't invited and feel appalled. But it is father's day. It sounds from the card as though the dd has a lot of snark for her dad.

[BeingMePls]

They went out for his mum's birthday. She hates me. Says she has no relationship with me. Little things that she's used as reason.

She knows what I went through with her dad - and blames me. Holds me to different standards than him. We're together (her dad and I) since we were teenagers. He was abusive, kicked me out of the home with the kids multiple times etc. But yet she adores him. Ok then.

[BeingMePls]

Off her head. Snark? What does that mean?

[Bigbertha123]

Narc?

[BeingMePls]

Bigbertha - what do you mean?

[BeingMePls]

Bigbertha - oh I'm the narc?

[cheesydoesit]

I agree with posters on your previous thread that your husband is not supportive enough nor has he acknowledged or addressed his responsibility for his abusive behaviour towards you and your children. To be honest, I don't think your relationship with your daughter can start to progress or health until that's done. By allowing you to be treated this way he is showing her that it is acceptable and of course she feels it is as it is learned behaviour from him! How is your relationship with your son? It sounds like a really horrible situation, were you able to find counselling for yourself as suggested?

[cheesydoesit]

I think big Bertha is just suggesting a substitute for the typo 'snark'. I don't think it was a typo though.

[Bigbertha123]

I'm sorry if I've totally misread the whole situation and I don't know the backstory. It just came across to me that you were making this all about you. Your dd gave her dad a card and wrote him a message and you interpret this as a dig or slight at you.

I have a DM who makes everything about her and it's quite tiring. I can't understand why this would make you cry. Are you not happy she loves her dd. Also not sure why you wouldn't go for lunch, but would rather stay alone and be full of self pity.

Like I've said previously if the back story makes my thinking completely wrong, then I'm sorry.

[BeingMePls]

Bigbertha - yes she's actively freezing me out.

No card or presents for Christmas, Mother's Day or my birthday.

I've been in hospital three times this year and not even a text. It's not about me but doesn't mean to say it's not fucking hurtful.

[cheesydoesit]

But your husband allowed you to be left out and not treated as a proper member of the family. I understand you were also a victim of abuse and my heart goes out to you, I would hate to be treated this way by my child but don't you see he is condoning this behaviour?! I know you say he has matured and is no longer abusive but maybe he is just more covert at it and maybe you have normalised it so much you can't see it? I just find it so hard to believe that he has transformed from a thoughtless and abusive partner to the opposite and from listening to how he doesn't oppose your DD's treatment of you it appears that he hasn't changed and your feelings aren't his priority.

[witchofzog]

I feel for you. I really do. My son is like this with his dad. His dad was abusive and he witnessed a lot of the things that happenned, yet his dad is still.perfect in his eyes and I am the bad person. To the extent that he moved in with his dad when we separated. And I had no Xmas or mother's day presents either where his dad did. It hurt more than most people realise.

However as he has got older our relationship has become so much better. He still adores his dad but not with the rose tinted spectacles he used to. This may happen with your dd too. I know she is an adult but there is still time. I wish you all the best

[BeingMePls]

Thanks witch. I just feel like I've been through so much... and for what? To have my own child hate me and find pleasure in seeing me upset/cry.

I want to keep turning the other cheek, but right now I'm SO angry at the injustice. All the nights he stayed out until the next morning and I was at home. All the days he refused to go to school and I went. All the months he refused to pay any money into the pot and I had to. For what???!

[pigletpie29]

You did all that because you're her mum and that's what mums do. Don't ever regret doing your best for her. It might seem like she doesn't appreciate it but I bet somewhere deep down she knows.

[FizzyGreenWater]

I have a friend with a young DD who is going to go through this I reckon.

She is divorced and the Dad is scum. Utter scum in every possible way - kicked them out too, no maintenance, got someone else pregnant, and worse. He has contact, his DD adores him, and he uses that to turn her against her mum in subtle ways.

Like you, her DD kicks off at her right now because she's the stable one and she CAN kick off at her. It's tragic to see the DD learn to fawn over Dad because she knows at some level that if she doesn't he'll walk away.

This is you I reckon. Your DD may be kicking against the shit much of her homelife and childhood was based on, but she kicks you because if she kicked against him... it'd be too much. Too much truth. You're the punchbag because you won't leave or let her down.

But what she's doing now, and at 21, isn't on. But I'm brought up short by the fact that... you're still with her Dad. Why? He's a prick, surely?

So I'd love to say give them both the shock of their lives by announcing that you're off. Watch your DD come running eventually. But - there must be much more to the story and I guess it's not that simple.