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AIBU?

to ask if I'm being cruel to my children?

258 replies

Busybecca · 16/06/2017 23:38

We have two daughters, aged 4 and 3. DH and I have fallen out tonight after he told me he thought I was cruel to the girls. DH and I differ in that I want to encourage the girls to be independent and he likes to baby them.

He works four days per week 9-5 so he isn't trying to make up for his absence or anything, but it's becoming unbearable when the four of us are together and I think our different approaches are totally unfair on and confusing to the children.

DH will hand feed them. Lift them on and off the toilet and wipe their bums. Put their shoes and clothes on and take them off for them. Put their rubbish in the bin for them. He pretty much does what they say, when they say it or else they're crying and whinging.

DD1 today went on the trampoline at the bottom of the garden then called to be lifted down. I called "use the ladder" but DH went running down the garden to lift her down Hmm Later he was upstairs and she came inside and called up to him to come and take her shoes off for her and he did! At tea time I called up to DD2 that tea was ready and she called DH to carry her downstairs, which he did. I asked her to wash her hands and she called him to turn the tap on for her, then to get the soap out for her, then to pass her the towel.

When it's just me and the girls they are fully capable of doing all of the above for themselves and they are happy to do so. When he is here they're whiny, bossy and demanding and I don't enjoy family time at all because of that. They don't listen to DH if he asks them to do anything, they just order him around.

Tonight DD1 said she needed a tissue. She was standing outside the bathroom door, I was washing up and DH was upstairs. I replied 'there's tissue in the bathroom.' She started calling to DH to get her a tissue and Lo and behold he came running downstairs to do so. Then he went in the shower and she sneezed again and was calling at him to fetch her a tissue. I told her she was more than capable of getting it herself and that he couldn't hear her because he was in the shower. She started screaming and crying for him to do it now and after a couple of minutes he got out of the shower to see what the matter was - hence me being called cruel for not getting her a tissue.

It's getting to the stage where they're a total pain in the arse on his first day back to work and I have to 'reset' them to realise they're capable of everything above. The following day they're back to normal and much happier but still DH will go back to being at their beck and call in the evening which just leads to tantrum after tantrum.

AIBU to think we can't go on like this or am I indeed cruel?

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ScarletForYa · 16/06/2017 23:46

No, you're not cruel at all.

He's denying then their independence ( putting on own clothes and shoes, wiping bum, using the ladder) and hampering their development.

What he's doing it's actually quite selfish. Does he understand anything about child development?

He is doing them no favours at all.

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TrollMummy · 16/06/2017 23:48

YANBU if they are perfectly capable of doing these things then your DH is being cruel by encouraging them to be lazy, whiny and demanding. It is also very confusing to have such different parenting styles. At what point does your DH think that they should be able to do these things for themselves?

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Mumoftu · 16/06/2017 23:50

No you're not cruel. Your dh is behaving ridiculously and will be delaying his children learning independent skills. If your children expect to be waited on like that at nursery/school with resultant tantrums they are going to be labelled as disruptive and it will be entirely his doing.

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TinselTwins · 16/06/2017 23:51

I'm with you

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TitaniasCloset · 16/06/2017 23:51

Yanbu, he is.

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GreenTulips · 16/06/2017 23:52

That's just ridiculous.... it really used to annoy me when DH would carry DD2 because she's a twin and DS would lap expect to be carried - so made my life difficult - I feel your pain. He needs to stop.

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WhatWouldGenghisDo · 16/06/2017 23:57

YANBU. I have this a bit with my mum but it's way less of a problem because I can always limit her visits if I think it's really messing the dynamic up. Agree your DH is doing them no favours. How about signing the both of you up for a parenting course so you can delegate the responsibility of telling him he's wrong?

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GreatFuckability · 16/06/2017 23:57

He's being ridiculous!

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ijustwannadance · 17/06/2017 00:01

You have smart girls who know exactly how to wrap daddy around their little finger.

He's a fool who needs to stop pandering to them asap.

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Ohmyfuck · 17/06/2017 00:02

You are NOT being cruel. You are teaching them skills that they SHOULD have at this stage in their lives. How ridiculous. It sounds as if he likes being needed. Pffff.

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LittleBeautyBelle · 17/06/2017 00:03

You're not cruel and you are totally right about this for all the reasons you state.

But, I couldn't help but smile just a little reading this. I can imagine your daughters in the future choosing their husbands based on how well they toe the line and being totally devoted.

That wouldn't be too awful a thing is it? Haha!!!

Obviously though you're 100% correct on this.

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GreenTulips · 17/06/2017 00:04

Ask him how your 4 year old is going to cope at school and if the teachers run round for tissues

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Lunagirl · 17/06/2017 00:05

You're not being cruel OP, your husband is. He's getting in the way of them becoming independent and it really isn't good. I had similar with my children's dad... My eldest is four and first over a year I've made him do certain chores ie put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, get his table out for breakfast. Their dad kinda looked confused so I had to explain I'm trying to teach independence (and I want them yo clean up after themselves - something their father is terrible at). Think you need a proper chat with your DH and explain things need to change. Show him these comments. Stop letting him baby your daughters.

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altiara · 17/06/2017 00:09

Your 4 year old must be starting school soon, i suggest you get DH to read up on what DD1 needs to be able to do- go to the toilet, wash hands, put PE kit on, put uniform back on, be able to put school jumper on/off, be able to change shoes for wellies etc. He can still check they've done everything correctly if that helps him let go slightly!
(Maybe he needs a kitten or puppy to love like a baby!)

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FuzzyPillow · 17/06/2017 00:09

DH is being cruel to them!! He is stopping them learning essential life skills.

Why?

Is he trying to make up for a perceived inadequacy? Does he (unnecessarily!) feel guilty for not being the 'main' parent because he has to work?

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Lunagirl · 17/06/2017 00:10

Luckily my children's father listened and we both actively encourage independence from our children. My eldest is fiercely independent and I think a lot of that is because I praised him hugely from a young age when he did something himself. His teachers often comment on how sensible he is.

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Squishedstrawberry4 · 17/06/2017 00:11

Your DH is dosempowering the girls whilst also being manipulated and liking feeling needed. It's so wrong

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Busybecca · 17/06/2017 00:11

I point out to him that they do all these things independently and without fuss when he isn't here (and at nursery and school) so surely he'd prefer if they could do it when he's here too so he could enjoy them instead of running around after them all the time. I've said I'll back him up if there's initial tears over him stopping being dictated to but he goes running the second they call and it's getting so bad it's embarrassing to go out all together.

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ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 17/06/2017 00:11

Nope, you are not being cruel and this would piss me right off!

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KeepServingTheDrinks · 17/06/2017 00:12

men can't win on here, can they

mostly, they're neglectful abusers with partners who should LTB

this one interacts with his kids, and he's still rounded on.

I'm not a man. I work in primary schools and I see all the time how often the dad's are rubbish. Mostly they really, really are.

But this one isn't. Not from the OP. He's interacting with his kids (how rare is that on here!) and still you're all ganging up to say how awful he is.

Can't these parents just have a grown up conversation without everyone lining up to say how terrible he is.

There are so many single mums on here who say (as a passing comment, not even as a thread) how hard the most commonplace things are when you're on your own.

Sorry if this is harsh, I've had a horrible week.

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CrazedZombie · 17/06/2017 00:12

It's cruel not to have higher expectations of kids. Learning new skills is good for self-esteem.

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Squishedstrawberry4 · 17/06/2017 00:14

In your shoes I'd contact the school and ask for a list of all the basics they need to be able to do. It will be things like putting shoes/coats on, doing buttons up, hand washing independently,

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PeaFaceMcgee · 17/06/2017 00:15

A father insisting on wiping a 4 yo's bum when she's perfectly capable of doing it herself, would raise safeguarding alarm bells if anyone at school knew that. He may want to consider that as well.as the excellent advice above.

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GreenTulips · 17/06/2017 00:16

If you work in a school then you know that you promote independence from day one - OP wants her girls to be independent

only the dad blames the op when the situation is of his own making

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GreatFuckability · 17/06/2017 00:16

men can't win on here, can they

mostly, they're neglectful abusers with partners who should LTB

this one interacts with his kids, and he's still rounded on

What hes doing isn't interacting with his kids, its actually really harmful to their development. Its done out of love, i've no doubt, but that doesn't mean its ok.

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