This is why we get so annoyed at incompetent/lazy/uncaring/you name it husbands

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Had friends over day before DS and I came back to UK to visit family for 2.5 weeks. the husband was H's friend from school, and we've since all become pretty good friends (i.e. not just my friends).

Leftover cut-up carrots and some lettuce from dinner in a couple containers in the fridge. I say to H - will you eat these as DS and I are going to be gone and can't? (since they are things i know he would eat otherwise). He says yes. I say, ok, if you don't want to eat them just throw it out and wash the tubs. Also half the lettuce that I didn't use is still in a bag in fridge.

Get home 2.5 weeks later. the carrots are going slimy, and i haven't even dared look in the container with the chopped lettuce, let alone the bag with the half lettuce. It's now almost a week since we got back and it's all still sitting there.

Am I crazy? I didn't tell him he had to eat it. If he'd said in the first place he had no intention of eating it, I'd probably have thrown it out or offered some to friends/neighbours I know don't mind taking food that would otherwise get wasted. And told him that if he didn't eat it before he went off, just chuck it.

If I don't clear it out, it will sit in the fridge til i get fed up and point it out to him. But I shouldn't even have to point it out to him. He was at home for almost 3 weeks by himself, and it's not like they were hidden or anything. These items were pretty much the only things in the fridge when i left, and the only things in the fridge when i got back.

[AmenacingWhistle]

[Mrsemcgregor]

I don't understand, who's done something wrong? Your DH? Or "H"? Who is what, a friend?

[Missb00]

Yep sounds like my DH sometimes 😁 Although it's not a biggie it sounds like the straw which broke the camels back for you. I often find myself snapping at DH for something like 'you didn't put your plate in the dishwasher' but that's not actually the issue, it's the 700 things he did (or didn't) do before that.

[LoisWilkersonsLastNerve]

Chuck him out with the carrots.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Mrsemcgregor - sorry reading that back i can see how it was confusing. Not calling my husband "D"H right now as he hasn't been for a long time for other reasons. We had friends over - a family of three (husband, wife, son). The husband was someone who went to school with my H - just making the point that these weren't just friends of only mine, i.e. having them over was for his benefit too. And yes, it's my H that left carrots and lettuce to rot in the fridge for 3+ weeks where they are still rotting. Eventually it will be me that has to clear it up because he couldn't care less.

Missb00 - it's just an indication of how even if you ask/point something out specifically, if they don't care they just leave it for you to clear up because they can't be arsed to do anything themselves. If he had said, No, I won't eat those leftovers, I would have taken care of it one way or another before I left. Why should I have to be the one to clean mold off the tubs because he didn't follow through?

[ThymeLord]

If he is that much of a disrespectful slob, who thinks that anything domestic is your job, then just get rid?

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

whoops sorry about the NC fail. bloody jetlagged brain. have reported meself.

Mrsemcgregor - sorry reading that back i can see how it was confusing. Not calling my husband "D"H right now as he hasn't been for a long time for other reasons. We had friends over - a family of three (husband, wife, son). The husband was someone who went to school with my H - just making the point that these weren't just friends of only mine, i.e. having them over was for his benefit too. And yes, it's my H that left carrots and lettuce to rot in the fridge for 3+ weeks where they are still rotting. Eventually it will be me that has to clear it up because he couldn't care less.

Missb00 - it's just an indication of how even if you ask/point something out specifically, if they don't care they just leave it for you to clear up because they can't be arsed to do anything themselves. If he had said, No, I won't eat those leftovers, I would have taken care of it one way or another before I left. Why should I have to be the one to clean mold off the tubs because he didn't follow through?

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

ThymeLord working on it.

Reading all the threads to do with wifework and mental load have really struck a nerve. There's loads of people who have jumped on that one poster who's a SAHM but does all the house stuff, and even though her DP came home for lunch and added extra washing up to the pile already there from the morning, she's the one who should have to clear that up too since she's SAHM.

[LoisWilkersonsLastNerve]

As a SAHM/part time worker, I do the laundry and cleaning but I certainly don't run about wiping other people's spills or empty the fridge if I'm not even in the house. As far as mental load goes, I've dropped a few things thanks to mn. Dh can get his own car insurance etc.

[ThymeLord]

Doesn't matter what other people do, or what backward ideas they have. There are vast amounts of people on MN now who, for some reason, have been brainwashed into thinking that cleaning, cooking and childcare are their job. Don't be one of them.

[TheSnorkMaidenReturns]

Make him do it when he gets home from work. Make him remove the slimy food and clean all the various bits of fridge and boxes. Don't make a big fuss or appear angry (although you are!) just insist he cleans it all up there and then. Make sure you are 'busy' somewhere else in the house while he does it.
Don't let him get away with being a slob. Who does he think will clean the fridge?

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve - how did you manage to drop the mental load? Was it a sudden hard resolve so to speak?

I've been trying to drop the mental load, but i lose my cool (in my own head mostly) when he actively adds to it. example: got a text while i was in the UK saying, call me immediately, MAJOR problem with house. so call thinking there's a flood, or someone's broken in etc. turns out to be minor problem with garage structure - needs to be fixed but it's not exactly falling down. Cue me telling him, call a contractor to get a quote and get it fixed ffs, i can't do anything from the other side of the ocean. So then he says, well can you look up the contractors numbers for me? Think my response was, are you fucking kidding me? You want me to organize this from across the Atlantic because you can't be arsed to look up the number in your own fucking phone? i actually stood my ground on that one and didn't look up anything for him. Now home, a couple weeks later and he's still not spoken to a single contractor.

[JoJoSM2]

It shows he hasn't been a DH for a while... you're being very petty.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

SnorkMaiden - i kid you not, one time he was the cause of a nasty sticky mess on bedsheets (chewed up sweets that DS should not have had in his mouth while falling asleep), and his response to me finding it (by getting my hair stuck in it, yum!) was that he was going to leave it for the cleaner to sort because he knew she was coming in a couple of days.

[RedSkyAtNight]

OK so he has a mental block about things in the fridge.
I always wonder on these threads whether there is something that he ALWAYS does that you are equally oblivious to ...

[LoisWilkersonsLastNerve]

Well some things I just say, I will show you how to do it, like online banking. Other things I just bluntly said, you are forty years old, you can buy your own clothes. He's accepted things fine to be honest. I still help with things if he asks nicely and doesn't just expect it. I booked his doctor appointment yesterday as he was busy and his phone was playing up.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

JoJoSM2 - didn't want to get into too many details but there's always a backstory. I used to let all of these things go, and maybe just get temporarily annoyed about it.

And yes, I freely admit it does seem petty until you realize that for years you've cleared up someone else's shit because they literally can't be bothered to and don't care that someone else, be it the cleaner or their own "D"W will have to do it, and the "D"W gets rewarded with an OW. And then you read about the mental load or read MN posts about wifework and realize you had the shit end of the stick the whole time, and still got shat on more.

I post here because most people IRL have no idea of my true situation at home, and so this is a generally anonymous way I can get it off my chest and not go crazy until I'm able to get out of this situation.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

RedSkyAtNight - not quite sure what you mean by whether there is something that he ALWAYS does that you are equally oblivious to ...? as in good things he does to help?

[RiversrunWoodville]

Tbf she did this just prior to divorcing him so probably not to be recommended but I have a friend who got so fed up with her exh being a twat she got the credit card for his account and ordered a new fridge dishwasher and tumbledryer. When he looked at her when they were delivered she just calmly said "oh I thought the others weren't working, the food in the fridge keeps going off, the dishwasher doesn't seem to switch on and the clothes must be stuck in the tumbler"
I miss her since she moved to England!

[Treesinbloom]

I think Red means maybe there are tasks that he always does that you just don't see.

I remember moaning to DH that I did all the Dr/dentist/hair appointments for DC. Plus always checked their clothes to see if they were outgrowing them. Plus planned birthday parties and presents etc.etc.

He pointed out that he sorts out our taxes and re-negociates our mortgage and various other things. True I hadn't thought of them but that's because they're not very frequent

[Mumblesoldbloke]

Please read the link below and then get your H to read it. I've been married 15 years and was so bad for maybe 8/9 years and then we had a major blowout and part of the upshot of it was I agreed to some personal counselling. After 2 sessions I quickly realised that if I was going to remain married to the most wonderful person in the world I had to change.

Since then we are totally equal financially even though currently and previously I have earned 4/5 times her income. I do more housework and cook 90% of meals and do all the washing and ironing.

It took me being on the brink of losing it all to realise that if you can't treat each other equally then you are not really a couple.

I read this link a few months ago and realised it could have been me

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I have never been happier because of the changes in me

[ThymeLord]

I am saving that article Mumbles, if only for the "Men aren't children" statement.

[Inertia]

Think I've read your posts before- he isn't going to change, and you are not petty for expecting a grown man to to manage to care for himself and a house while you are away.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

RiversrunWoodville - that sounds awesome! wish i had the gumption for something like that!

Treesinbloom - that would be mostly no then. if he does do something, he wants brownie points for it, which is annoying itself. thinks giving his own DS a bath is extra work and should be acknowledged. etc. I sorted everything with our most recent move, did all the bank set up (new state), chased up mortgage, shopped around for all the insurance, set up all the utilities, etc etc. Actually i was doing this while he went off on a 2 week holiday with OW (that i thought was a work trip). every few months he whines about how expensive the insurance is and why has it gone up, so i say, knock yourself out shopping around for it ... you can guess if he does or not...

Mumblesoldbloke - that sounds great. i think that works if whichever partner who struggles with doing their fair share of the wifework is willing to acknowledge it and consistently put in effort to change. I've shown him that article and any other number of other similar articles, we've done self help books, have been in counselling for a long time etc, and no change.

[PicardsCombOver]

In answer to your question from your first post Op you can safely conclude that you are not crazy. I must ask, have you yet tackled H about the fridgefoodfungus?