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To wonder why they treat her so differently

(24 Posts)
sassylocks Mon 12-Jun-17 20:23:19

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but as a 30 year old mother I'm still finding myself frustrated with sibling jealousy. I get this is a thing when you're kids but am I the only one that still feels it now? My parents treat my sister so differently, she can do no wrong in their eyes. It's one rule for her and another for me and it really fucking hurts me. She's always been priority even since we were kids and I keep going round in circles trying to work out what I did that was so wrong. She is the eldest and I'm the middle child. I was never that unruly as a teenager, the odd night out drinking with friends but you'd think I was a full blown party animal the way my mum talks about my teen years. I've never asked for anything and have always worked hard since I was 16. The relationship has been far more strained recently since DD arrived, I think mainly because I see DD and think I could never treat her like that. Everything is always to suit them which frustrates me and why we sometimes clash. So when they do a big family dinner once a month say, it's always 7-8pm- a time they know I can never make because DD is in bed then, if this is disrupted DD is up all night and they say well that's when it works for everyone else i.e. My sister.... I get the world doesn't revolve around me but surely one time out of several they can do an earlier time or a lunch time thing at the weekend. They only want to see DD if they can hold her, never want to go anywhere on a walk so I can chat with them, there's always an excuse. They're never straight with me, even if I probe and call them out on it. For example recently they went to watch my sister in the London marathon, spent a whole day walking around London, jumping around in videos and posing in pics, but won't join me for a walk In a beautiful place 5 mins away from where We both live because my mum "has bad knees". It's a bloody 45 minute walk at best! Sorry for the rant, I think I just feel like it's gotten so bad now I don't know how to move forward. I really love my parents and wish they would be more honest with me. Do I just grow a pair of lady balls and get on with it? AIBU to be upset about this?

cupthejunction Mon 12-Jun-17 20:30:10

Yadnbu that is so horrible for you and very sad.
Maybe write them a letter with all the things that hurt you in it and see what they say/do. Otherwise maybe going NC might help for a bit?
Could you ask them whether anything traumatic happened during the time of your birth to make them so clearly unfavourable to you?

Dixiechickonhols Mon 12-Jun-17 20:32:26

It must hurt. My Dh deals by very occasional limited contact with his mum. He never tells her anything. SIL has always been favoured one. He now says it's just the way it was when we were growing up. He finds it hurtful and I know favouritism of her dc over our dc is hurtful to him too. I used to try and encourage contact but can see issues it causes so don't anymore.

Dixiechickonhols Mon 12-Jun-17 20:36:00

Your dc sounds young. To be honest I'd limit contact for her sake before history repeats itself. My dd is very accepting but I stopped inviting mil to things at school etc when she just didn't show and dd started to notice.

NoFucksImAQueen Mon 12-Jun-17 22:07:14

Dh has the same with his sister. It really hurts him and his mum is adamant there is no favouritism hmm
It's very annoying and he's said now he'd rather be no contact, that he doesn't miss them and that it's actually easier.
I have no doubt if sil ever has kids they'll be favoured above ours.
It's sad really as I really like sister in law and mother in law but I can see why it hurts dh so much.
I look at our 3 and I wouldn't ever want to hurt one of them that way

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Mon 12-Jun-17 22:17:03

This is all too relatable to me. I'm sorry it happens to you too sad

I have been slated for saying it on here before, but I really do believe that some parents have favourite children. For reasons I don't know.

I know in my case, it's because my sister needs my mother more; she's a very codependent person and constantly needs validation from people, especially my mother. Also, my sister will do whatever my mother asks as long as she gets hers in return.

What is your sister like?

userofthiswebsite Mon 12-Jun-17 22:20:48

Yeah, being a middle child sucks. Always last priority...

Davros Mon 12-Jun-17 22:28:41

In my case it's the middle sister who was always the utter favourite

stargazer2030 Mon 12-Jun-17 22:43:36

This is me too with my mum. Youngest sister is the Golden Child and I was the devil incarnate apparently. It still hurts in my 40's. She was okay with the Grand Children at first but as they have got older the favoritism has started up.
I still see her, try not to let it get to me and have learnt that there is no point saying anything. DCs notice it sometimes but it doesn't appear to upset them.
I think it hurts even more now I have children of my own. I can't begin to imagine favouring one of them over the other.

Dixiechickonhols Mon 12-Jun-17 22:59:29

Dh middle child. It has been there since childhood. We were chatting about girl guides trip for dd and he said his mum would never take him and his brother to any clubs but always taking SIL dancing (think big competitions/£££costumes I've seen pics) It's alien to me as me and my brother are/were treated fairly. I think mil must justify it by Dh being ok. But there are times when obviously not ok and nothing.

Mummmy2017 Mon 12-Jun-17 23:10:29

What is your MIL like...
If she is nice then do things with her and post the pictures.

UNless your mum thinks she is being sidelined her attitude won't change. and nor will your relationship.

2017SoFarSoGood Mon 12-Jun-17 23:12:46

I'm so sorry, this really hurts and probably always will. My DH has had this his whole life (middle child) and the youngest sister has always been totally spoiled and given everything, and him nothing. Same with her kids and our kids. Complete opposite treatment. He is a really good man, and a good son. Nothing has caused this. Sadly, his DM has now died so there is no longer any chance of even discussing it anymore, never mind making it right. His DF is an ass, so there will never be resolution there either. I feel terrible for him, and so resentful of the 'special' sister.

flowers for all of of the middle children. I hope I am not that parent. Or that grandparent.

choli Mon 12-Jun-17 23:31:38

I have been slated for saying it on here before, but I really do believe that some parents have favourite children. For reasons I don't know.
I suspect that all parents have a favorite child, some are just better at concealing it than others.

RedastheRose Mon 12-Jun-17 23:32:52

Yep middle child and it sucks. Older brother and younger sister both favoured over me, younger sister especially so. It was really obvious to everyone, even friends that I was treated unfairly as a teenager. More money was spent on presents, nicer better quality things bought. Younger sister given things I had to buy myself. The list goes on. It continues to this day. I don't know what the answer is but it hurts to be treated like this with no answer as to why. My parents always denied any favouritism too but it was and is blatantly obvious. I've given up tbh and have limited contact now.

DJBaggySmalls Mon 12-Jun-17 23:39:03

YANBU, I've never known anyone manage to fix this situation, and whats worse is they carry it on to the grandkids, and their will.
Limit contact and protect you and your kids.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Mon 12-Jun-17 23:39:29

@choli I also said something along those lines and was completely lambasted. blush

I'm expecting my second. I hope I'm proven wrong.

sassylocks Mon 12-Jun-17 23:45:43

Thanks for all the replies. I'm sorry to hear of other people going through the same thing. It's a really shitty feeling. I like the idea of writing a letter but to be honest, they are so deep in denial, I think they would just ignore it. They would literally never mention it. It's standard for them to bury or ignore any topic they don't want to address. The only thing I can think of is that I did have a lot of operations as a child. Maybe they felt I was high maintenance or maybe they were worried I was getting attention and overcompensated the treatment of my sister. I get on with my MIL really well and I'm lucky to have her in my life. I message her about 3 times a day at least, my mum has made several bitchy comments about this but never made an effort to speak to me more than she has to. I had a late miscarriage and even that somehow got turned into giving sympathy for my sister. I basically mentioned to my parents that I was very hurt she didn't bother to contact me after my loss and their response was "I think she's worried that might happen to her in the future". Not "yes that was a shitty way to behave" maybe the solution is some space for a while because I really don't want history repeating itself!!

user1493059174 Mon 12-Jun-17 23:52:54

choli - I cannot imagine how anyone could have a favourite child. I have two wonderful daughters and I love them totally equally. Both very different girls but equally wonderful. I cannot imagine favouring a child

Dixiechickonhols Mon 12-Jun-17 23:55:13

I'm sorry op. From everything you've said I'd concentrate on the positives in your life. Space sounds good. They are the ones missing out.

GplanAddict Mon 12-Jun-17 23:56:13

In my case it's my sister (middle child) who can do no wrong. This is because my mother was a middle child and treated unfairly, so she's overcompensated. To the extreme. Its so hurtful.

Davros Mon 12-Jun-17 23:56:45

Wait until you discover, like me, that you've been left out of her Will in favour of the middle child. Thank goodness my oldest sister told me before the time came and I at least had some warning.

HorridHenryrule Tue 13-Jun-17 00:00:42

They can't be bothered its to much hard work for them to focus on all their children. Thats the story in Balamory. My family is exactly the same they make no effort to see my children.

I have 4 children 3 older daughters and 1 young son. Its hard work pleasing my daughters and I would do anything to put a smile on their faces. My son is to young and all he wants is sweets and chocolate.

sleeponeday Tue 13-Jun-17 00:13:01

Honestly, I'd be very grateful for your lovelu MIL, and invest in her. People rarely change, and only if they want to and have motive. For whatever reason, this arrangement is comfortable for them, and facing how hurt and excluded you are by it would not be. I'd make the effort with MIL and not your own mother - think how many MIL are a nightmare. You have a loving and engaged grandmother for your baby, and the potential of a family member in the older generation who values you.

It's very hard, screwed up families. Sadly, you can't fix a third party's damage. All you can do is seek to limit the harm they in turn cause you.

flowers

gluteustothemaximus Tue 13-Jun-17 00:34:34

Don't write a letter.

They know exactly how they are treating you and how they are treating your sister.

In letting them get away with it, you are accepting their treatment of you.

I was the devil incarnate in my teenage years too apparently, eldest was golden child despite actually being a nightmare.

Give yourself a break from them whilst you think things through, but don't list the things they have done to hurt you. It will be twisted.

Good luck. This is shit.

Also, I have 3 kids. No favourites, no different treatment.

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