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Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

(391 Posts)
Fab40nhy Sun 11-Jun-17 15:41:57

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here? sad

NapQueen Sun 11-Jun-17 15:44:06

Honestly? Yabu.

This is the way round she wants to do it. Shes got her life together. Dh and I were 26 when we had dc1 and 29 when we had our last.

Any great life adventures which arent suitable for the kids we have on a list. We will be 47 when the youngest turns 18. Shit loads of life left!

MagentaRocks Sun 11-Jun-17 15:44:20

Yes. Yabu. It's her choice. Most people enjoy nights out and trips away. It doesn't stop them wanting children

PuntasticUsername Sun 11-Jun-17 15:45:03


MrsOverTheRoad Sun 11-Jun-17 15:45:35

Perhaps they will be even happier with a baby though. Perhaps that's the icing on their cake?

You are being very unreasonable given that your daughter is an adult with a stable relationship.

Look at it this way...if she has a baby now and another in two years then her child bearing is done by 25....when she's only 45 years old her kids will be adults.

I'm 45 and mine are very young still. I see the attraction in having them young and enjoying your 40s more.

PaperdollCartoon Sun 11-Jun-17 15:45:41

I appreciate where you're coming from, but you have to stay out here. As you say they have the means to support a child, they've bought a house and seem stable.
Too many women are leaving it later and later and then have problems conceiving. 23 is actually a perfect age to have a child if you can afford it.

gamerchick Sun 11-Jun-17 15:45:57

I wouldn't say anything if I were you. She's an adult and any objections wouldn't be taken very well

f83mx Sun 11-Jun-17 15:46:01

Yeah i think you are a bit - sorry! Sounds like they're happy/sorted - unless you feel like she's been cajoled in some way? I think you can still pass on your 'warning' but i'm sure they're aware that having a baby will impact on lifestyle.

BTPlonker Sun 11-Jun-17 15:46:04

I think at 23 she is old enough to make her own decisions, and you are in danger of damaging your relationship with her if you try to change her mind. She may make different choices than you would like, but it is her life.

BurntBum Sun 11-Jun-17 15:46:06

There are lots of advantages in having a baby younger (and 23 is not that young) It really is not your place to say anything and your daughter may resent you if you do.

ArchieStar Sun 11-Jun-17 15:46:57

YABU. Why would a child stop them enjoying a weekend away somewhere or a night out? Genuine question.

corythatwas Sun 11-Jun-17 15:47:07

Why would the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend be a distant memory? My parents took us travelling all over Europe and my db did the same with his young son. Interrailing with a toddler is absolutely fine if you have the means. Dh and I carried on hill-walking, with lo in a carrier.

As for going out drinking, if there's two of them in a steady relationship, can't they just take it in turns to mind the baby?

We were quite poor when we had our first dc, but even so I don't remember my life coming to an end.

MyfatheristheKing Sun 11-Jun-17 15:47:33

YABU being a parent doesn't stop you from still enjoying the odd night out and going nights away smile

She has a job, a house and is 23, not 13. Keep your nose out

rightwhine Sun 11-Jun-17 15:48:26

YANBU to discuss all this with her but at the end of the day you have to support her decisions.

Manupprincess Sun 11-Jun-17 15:48:49

It's her life and she sounds pretty sorted. She will only be in her early 40s when her child/children have left home anyway but it doesn't really matter - it's her choice and as long as she is happy with the choice it has nothing to do with you.

MrsPorth Sun 11-Jun-17 15:49:07

I thought she was going to be 18 when I read your heading. 23 isn't that young.

Her partner is a little older and doesn't want to be running around after small children when he's 45, which is reasonable. These things have to be considered.

welshweasel Sun 11-Jun-17 15:50:02

YABU. There's lots to be said for having kids earlier rather than later. And there's no reason why nights out and trips away have to stop. We were having weekends away in hotels etc from about 6 weeks and when we want to go out together we get a babysitter.

newtlover Sun 11-Jun-17 15:50:33

YABU and I think you know it. Life doesn't end when you have a baby it just changes. Advise her to secure her financial future- if she plans on any sort of career break she should get married. I wonder if there is some projection going on here- how old were you OP when you had your first baby, and what happened to your life?

Fab40nhy Sun 11-Jun-17 15:51:06

Oh dear, the last thing I want to do is upset her. 23 is still so very young, life is just beginning. I know the stresses that motherhood brings and it just seems such a young age to want to be burdened by it all confused

MyBreadIsEggy Sun 11-Jun-17 15:51:22


She's a grown woman.

(I got married at 19, had our DD at 20, and DS at 22)

pinkmagic1 Sun 11-Jun-17 15:52:24

YABU. They are settled with jobs and a house, just a generation ago having children in your 20's was the norm.
I conceived my first at 24 and will only be in my early 40's when he turns 18.

ScarlettFreestone Sun 11-Jun-17 15:52:45

At 23 it's her choice.

I would however discuss with her the legal ramifications of having a baby with someone without being married.

Ilovebaconbutimonadiet Sun 11-Jun-17 15:54:01

Was about to comment that YANBU, but I read they have a house, jobs & they plan to get married so yes, yabu.

fridgepants Sun 11-Jun-17 15:55:24

She owns her own place at 23 - she's a heck of a lot more grown up than I feel at 35 grin

ilovesooty Sun 11-Jun-17 15:55:35

For goodness sake. Mind your own business.

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