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To ask what to do about this man?

(63 Posts)
TrueSay Sat 10-Jun-17 17:47:10

So without being too outy - a large group of us that share a hobby went out last night.

About 40 men and women.

One of the women in the group I've become particularly close to as we have DC the same age and we live nearby. She's going through a tough time at the moment - having gained a lot of weight over the year and has some mental health stuff going on. To the outside world everything is good but overtime I've noticed and from what she's told me things are not.

Her husband is a genuinely lovely bloke. I've often though - found him staring at me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Last night I kept catching his eye.

Then I was talking quite passionately about politics getting quite animated and he turned round and said 'the way you are talking about it sounds like how you would talk about sex?' His wife was in listening distance - she didn't flinch or possibly didn't hear?

Strange thing to say.

Now I just think he possibly has a teeny crush on me - not being big headed BUT it's making me uncomfortable. Maybe it's all in my head - but he always goes in for a big tight hug when we meet and I'm generally pulling myself away!

Now what can I do about this? this lady means a lot to me as a friend. But I'm finding I'm distancing myself due to her DH. Because it all makes me really uncomfortable being around him.

To round it all off he's asked my DH out for a drink. Maybe it's me reading too much into it - I'm sure it is.

Help what can I do? Plus there is lots of other stuff that's happened - but the main stuff is he is ALWAYS staring at me!

AlternativeTentacle Sat 10-Jun-17 17:49:11

Yeah creepy. What does she say about it? What does your partner say about it?

TrueSay Sat 10-Jun-17 17:54:19

Honestly she hasn't said anything. I can't say your husband is always staring at me - she's already fragile. I get a feeling she senses it though.

I don't want to say anything to my DH because I don't want to stop seeing my friend. Seriously our kids just adore each other and we have a lovely time together.

All night he was staring at me and genuinely I was keeping my distance and then literally he just plonked himself right next to me and that was it I felt stuck and soooo uncomfortable - DH was propping up the bar with a couple of his mates and I was stuck!

gleam Sat 10-Jun-17 17:56:08

Couldn't you move?

crazykitten20 Sat 10-Jun-17 17:57:02

Definitely fancies you. Totally ewww comment about sex. I'd have a quiet chat with him.

AmserGwin Sat 10-Jun-17 17:58:26

Tell your DH so in a situation like last night he can rescue you, and give the bloke the hint to back off too. I wouldn't tell the friend , and just avoid him as much as possible. If he persists tell him to piss off

MissBax Sat 10-Jun-17 17:58:54

Ew he sounds like a creep. I don't think there's actually much you could do at this point though as he's not ACTUALLY done anything like try and kiss you or something.
I would just keep being standoffish and unresponsive when he makes odd comments. Hopefully he just moves on! Good luck OP

Ellisandra Sat 10-Jun-17 18:05:07

How is he a genuinely lovely bloke? confused

With his unwanted sexual comments and unwanted too tight hugs?

That's not lovely.

And it's really sad how you've been conditioned to excuse his behaviour as him having a nice minimising 'crush'.

This is not a crush and this is not a genuinely lovely bloke.

This is an arsehole who thinks he has the right to speak to you and touch you in an inappropriate way. And to top it off, humiliating his poor wife too.

No wonder she's not in a good place right now.

If he comes out with that shit again, say "did I just hear you right?" With a suitably disgusted face. If he hugs you too tight say "please don't do that" and push him away.

You don't have to be flattered about a crush because a married man is a sleaze.

Offherhead Sat 10-Jun-17 18:08:22

You need to be assertive when he goes for too much of a hug or says anything inappropriate.
I fail to understand the detail about the wife. Are you concerned he's abusive?
You say he's lovely. Telling him to back off should be completely effective.

TrueSay Sat 10-Jun-17 18:18:53

Thanks guys.

Yeah I don't know why I'm excusing his behaviour. I'm sorry. I just came away feeling exposed. Is it right to say I felt dirty. All I did was talk passionately - as in I was animated and vocal.

I think - I don't know. Yeah I need to avoid.

I think he's also naive but he's incredibly intelligent. I don't know. I just feel really upset today and I feel like someone has hurt me and all he did was hug me harder then was needed and just kept staring at me. But I couldn't get comfortable because I felt he was on my case - like I felt he was waiting for an opportune moment to be right near me.

If I moved then it would have been really obvious

TrueSay Sat 10-Jun-17 18:20:02

No I don't think he's abusive - I think he's possibly just on the prowl. I think maybe she knows this? I don't know.

ScarlettFreestone Sat 10-Jun-17 18:23:56

You are actually protecting him by your silence.

Stop doing that.

Tell your DH that this man makes you uncomfortable.

Tell this man to stop staring at you. Make it joky if you feel more comfortable "do I have something in my face? Why are are staring at me. Please stop"

Next time if he says anything in appropriate or brings sex into the conversation just say:

"That's an inappropriate thing to say. Don't do it again" and then get up and move.

He'll get the message.

ScarlettFreestone Sat 10-Jun-17 18:25:36

Why do you care if it's obvious?

Why are you feeling guilty about his bad behaviour?

You can always say "excuse me" and go to the loos and then sit elsewhere in your return.

Or say "I must tell my DH/a friend something"

gleam Sat 10-Jun-17 18:25:55

So what if it's obvious? Sends him a clear message.

SavoyCabbage Sat 10-Jun-17 18:29:36

I know women whose husbands do this when their wives start making a new friend. To 'show' their wives that the new friend is only her friend because she fancies him. And to make the new friend back off the friendship so the wife is isolated.

TrueSay Sat 10-Jun-17 18:32:39

SavoyCabbage - she is actively social.

I actually am beginning to realise I'm convincing myself he's lovely because actually I'm scared

ScarlettFreestone Sat 10-Jun-17 18:39:52

So tell your DH. He's meant to be your best friend. Why wouldn't you tell him?

ScarlettFreestone Sat 10-Jun-17 18:40:24

I mean that genuinely btw - consider seriously why you don't want to tell him.

HotelEuphoria Sat 10-Jun-17 18:42:42

Swingers, hence why Wife didn't flinch and he's taking your DH out, he is testing the water.

balence49 Sat 10-Jun-17 18:48:08

Is there others in the group you could mention it too? I would, in passing, see if they notice. If they have wait for it to happen again and then call him out on it. What you staring at me for again? Loudly and knowing you won't be the one looking bad as others already think he's strange.

PyongyangKipperbang Sat 10-Jun-17 18:51:41

Being on the prowl with your wifes friends in front of your wife and mutual friends is abusive in itself.

This is not a nice man.

Mysteriouscurle Sat 10-Jun-17 18:57:22

I was in this situation. I felt he was hovering on the line rather than stepping over it. I mentioned it to my dh who hadn't noticed anything. That's how subtle it was. since I mentioned it to dh he has noticed inappropriate comments. I've asked dh never to leave me alone with this man and he is always careful not to. Dh also at my request sits beside me when we see him. its bloody ridiculous that I need a man to protect me but it works. I know if I called him out on it he would deny and say he was just being friendly and that I am full of myself and an attention seeking trouble maker and he'd be hurt that I could even think that of him. . Tbh I'm not even attractive. Im fat middle aged and very plain looking.

Anyway it bugs the lifeout of me but my solution is basically for dh to get between me and this man. Crap in 2017 but there you go. Would that work?

RiversrunWoodville Sat 10-Jun-17 19:01:41

HotelEuphoria my thoughts exactly

motherintraining Sat 10-Jun-17 19:04:26

Mysteriouscurl I agree. I always tell DH and he keeps an eye out. Not because I can't tell him to go jump myself but because it's easier socially for me. Staring /admiring sounds paranoid if you accuse someone but is very uncomfortable as long as you work as a team easy to avoid and keep joint hobby.

DeadGood Sat 10-Jun-17 19:05:11

Tell your husband, now. Make sure he listens to you and understands how serious this is to you. He is not to leave you alone with this person. If he has to go to the loo, he gives you warning so you can go and sit next to someone else you trust.

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