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Advice please, not sure where to turn

(58 Posts)
barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:20:44

Hi all. I've been with my husband 15 years. We have 2 under 2, the youngest of which is 10 weeks old. It's an emotionally abusive relationship sadly and I've only just accepted that as I'm a strong person and was in denial. I gave up a very well paid job when I had ds1 and went on to have ds2 straight after. The company no longer exists so I couldn't go back even if I wanted to and if they would have me. I ebf ds1 and am doing same for ds2. I would like to do it for at least 12 months.

In addition to having all but eroded any feelings of self worth I had, my husband has been cranking the emotional abuse up and up and after horrendous verbal and mental abuse which was worse at Christmas, birthday and Easter, has now taken to telling me he wants a divorce, no longer loves me etc regularly. He seems to enjoy seeing me cry. I'm so bloody stupid.

I have no job, no access to our joint bank account and he has always controlled our money. I feel like such an idiot and stupidly I am heartbroken at the loss of my marriage and I don't know why. I suppose I'm realising it's all just empty abuse and not what I thought it would be because he has periods of being lovely. He isn't a shit to me all the time but when he is he is awful. He calls me horrid things in front of the children - slovenly, the b word, c word, lazy, fat, stupid etc. I'm so angry with myself to be in this situation with two babies and no way of supporting them myself. I feel trapped and isolated. He's really done a number on me and I know it now. I want to leave him but have no family, no proper friends (he has seen to that over the years by turning me against them all). All I have are ladies i know at surface level from play group. I feel so upset and heartbroken at the prospect of having to go to bottle feeding and putting the boys in nursery whilst I take a job I could do in my sleep to make ends meet. He has a supportive family who will take care of everything for him. He has made sure I don't have a good relationship with them either. I feel so bloody stupid and really need help but have no idea where to start. What sort of man does this? I have a number of serious continuing physical complications from both births and our youngest is so young. How could he do this to me?

DeriArms Fri 09-Jun-17 10:25:13

I don't have advice but don't want to read and run. So sorry this is happening to you. Believe in yourself though, it's a massive thing to be able to acknowledge the situation and you can and will find a way out and forward. Someone wiser and more experienced will be a long with better words in a moment.

WaaWaaWaaa Fri 09-Jun-17 10:27:41

have you sought help from anywhere like Womens aid?

MrsOverTheRoad Fri 09-Jun-17 10:30:28

You sound like you're on the cusp of a new life...he'll alway be a wanker.

Where are you OP? Still in the same house?

barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:31:08

Thank you x I've not contacted anyone as I don't know what to say. I feel like it's hard to explain what has been happening and that people will think it's me - he is always telling me I'm 'nuts' and need help. I honestly don't feel like I am nuts but how he treats me makes me question my sanity at times. I just don't want him to keep treating me like he does. I don't think I deserve what he is doing to me.

barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:31:52

Thank you Mrs...yes, same house. I've nowhere to go and he keeps telling me he is leaving but won't go.

barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:32:09

I have no where to go so I'm having to just take it.

FooFighter99 Fri 09-Jun-17 10:35:40

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I don't know how to help, but I wanted to say good for you for recognising that you're in a situation that needs to change and I sincerely hope you manage to get some real advice that you can put to use.

Speak to Women's Aid or a similar organisation who will hopefully be able to put you on a path to freedom and independence. You and your babies deserve to be happy! and you won't be if you stay with this monster of a husband.


barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:36:20

Everyone thinks he is wonderful. He's so nice to everyone....except me. He makes me feel like I'm going mad, like it must be my fault because of how nice he is to everyone else and how much everyone likes him. They wouldn't believe me.

mrtumblesmistress1 Fri 09-Jun-17 10:37:03

You don't have to take it, please don't think like this.

Do you have any family you can turn to?

Woman's Aid were my saviour. I had no money, nowhere to live and saw no way out. They helped me with all of they and whilst the first few months after were hard it got better.

Please seek some help,you don't need to live like this plus its not fair on the DC's. Kids are like sponges, they take in everything.

barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:37:04

I will look up woman's aid. Thank you x

isseywithcats Fri 09-Jun-17 10:37:10

phone womens aid and tell them exactly what you have put in this post my heart goes out to you x

barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:37:57, I have no one I can turn to x

sortingmylifein Fri 09-Jun-17 10:38:06

He wants you to think you are are not.

Please call womens aid - they will hear similar stories (sadly) every single day. They will help you.

freephone 24hrs 0808 2000 247

You are on the right track, you realise what he is doing to you and you want to leave. Well done - it takes a lot to get to where you are when you are in an abusive relationship. You just need to take the next step. I know it is scary, but please call them and go from there. One step at a time.

Make sure he doesn't read this thread either.


barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:38:35

I've just read my post. It's hit me it can't be me 😢

barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:39:16

I'm so bloody stupid. I'm going to lose my kids, my home. Everything aren't I.

barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:40:01

Sorry. I'm a mess. Thank you for being kind x

Offherhead Fri 09-Jun-17 10:40:08

Your family. They might rally round for as might some old friends. Do reach out to people be open. Ask for help. For your children's benefit. Get yourself a safety net to fall into.
Joint bank account. Yes. You have access. Proritise this: if you are in immediate danger / crisis take your passport to a branch take a large amount of cash. Stick it in an account in your name.
If you can play a waiting game report your card for the account missing, get it delivered to a branch.
You need to act before these children become indoctrinated into this abusive environment.
Trawl the house for copies of financial information and your marriage certificate - get these to a solicitor before he starts hiding it all.
Hold strong on your decision for feeding your children. It is a short period of time. Plan for a different life in 5 years. Start building it, don't rush. You have marketable skills. Remember that. Best wishes.

LakieLady Fri 09-Jun-17 10:40:33

He sounds like my ex, but thankfully we didn't have children so my position wasn't quite so bad.

We lived separate lives under the same roof for 3 years. Then I met someone else, and the ex started divorce proceedings.

I think you need specialist advice and would suggest Women's Aid in the first instance.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It's worth bearing in mind that you would be entitled to benefits, including housing benefit, if you were to find a way of leaving him. You wouldn't have to go back to work straight away.

barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:40:37

Mrtumble, what did woman's aid do?

mrtumblesmistress1 Fri 09-Jun-17 10:41:23

Oh Bark, I really feel for you.

Please don't think this is how your life will always be and please don't blame yourself. Abnormality becomes the norm over time and we find ourselves in a position we never thought possible.

Woman's Aid are amazing, please seek some solace in them.

And continue posting here, there'll always be someone who will reply to you.

mrtumblesmistress1 Fri 09-Jun-17 10:44:06

They got me placed in a hostel and helped me with applying for tax credits. It did take a few weeks but it all got sorted eventually.

Depending on your council they should also have a deposit scheme where they pay your deposit on a property if u are private renting and claiming housing benefit. You may even be able to get housed quite quickly depending where you are too.

Do you think he will be a danger to you if you live? You may need to also consider reporting the abuse to the police in that event so that if you ever need to take out an anti molestation order there will be a record of the abuse.

Does he ever give you money? Do you think you could squirrel some away?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Fri 09-Jun-17 10:47:09

One step at a time, don't panic. All of this is solvable.

Of course you're not going to lose your kids. Why would you? You're the SAHP, he's abusive. Your kids aren't going anywhere. You will quite possibly end up living somewhere else, yes, but you'll make it a new home - one where no one ever abuses you and your kids, ever.

Talk to Women's Aid. They can help you figure out your first step.

BlurryFace Fri 09-Jun-17 10:48:37

OP, you really need to call women's aid. You're not going to lose your kids, there's no need to think that.

Where you're living now isn't really a home if you can't live in it happily and watching you get mistreated by your husband is going to make your children miserable in it too. It's just four walls and a roof right now.

You're not stupid, abusers like your DH don't show their true colours all at once, they wait until you are dependent on them then ramp it up gradually until it becomes your new normal.

barkisworsethanmybite Fri 09-Jun-17 10:49:09

Thank you x he used to physically abuse me but stopped after i reported him to the police. It didn't go any further but he constantly tells me he has 'a record' because of me because l reported him and he was cautioned. What happens to children if I end up in a hostel? I'm very reluctant to leave this house as it's their home, and mine, and I think why should I lose everything when it's him that's caused this. All I wanted was a simple, quiet life as a family and I've ended up with this. I feel so sad and so angry.

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