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Unhappy with being unhappy...aibu to just leave?!

(34 Posts)
whatawhoohaaa Mon 05-Jun-17 23:57:22

-name changed-

I have been married for 10years. Non of that 10 years (and at least third of my relationship with him before marriage) has been particularly fulfilling and I am frankly bored to tears!

Regardless of that we have two young children and just as the saying goes, it hasn't made anything better!

We argue in front of the children..about how to parent and he is very tense when we are all together. As soon as they are in bed it's all light and fluffy like we haven't spent the day arguing! I dread days out as a family as I find it stressful with him.

He has always been singular in his actions. He never consulted me about annual leave, I would find out the day/week he was off. No discussion or thought that as a couple we would take annual leave together.

He doesn't allow me to know passwords etc, I don't know what his financial situation is really like.

He has no idea how to appropriately dress/feed the kids - they are 3&6 and he les them go out in tights and a T-shirt, unbrushed hair, or just puts the cloths I have set out over the top of pj's etc even in hot weather so they are overheating - but judges other children on their state of dress. He then says well I don't know anything about fashion??

That's just a snapshot, but his behaviour/input in build up to the wedding and the day was upsetting and I just haven't gotten past it. I resent him and bored and dong think it's a healthy relationship for our children to model.

So, although the impact in the kids will be awful (one has asd and emotional difficulties) aibu to just leave?

I don't believe either of us are happy.

PeaFaceMcgee Tue 06-Jun-17 01:30:15

Yanbu. You don't need to justify your decision either.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 06-Jun-17 03:28:49

If you've been married 10 years, what was the behaviour leading up that was so bad you haven't forgiven it for that long?

LadyB49 Tue 06-Jun-17 03:45:33

What's keepping you with him.
Kids will be fine.
You will be ok. You ANBU.

whatawhoohaaa Tue 06-Jun-17 08:00:38

While we were engaged he had an EA but does not believe or accept that I feel it is just as bad as physically cheating.

He stole money from me because he 'needed to' and just ignores this.

We were railroaded regarding plans for the wedding and regardless of how upset or times I asked for him to step in and sort things he ignored. He had 1 job to do and didn't do it. Someone else had to sort it the morning of our wedding.

When we first got together he was very attentive, demonstrated his love etc but that stopped very quickly and I haven't seen hide nor hair of such interest since!

I have told him on a monthly basis that the behaviour around the children must stop. I have told him I don't want to be married, we do not parent well together and that I didn't want to marry him, but didn't want to disappoint my parents by calling it off. He just buries his head in the sand and every time I broach the subject he acts like it's new information!

Queenofthestress Tue 06-Jun-17 09:31:57

Leave him, get out whilst you can love! Xx

joolspoon Tue 06-Jun-17 09:40:41

I could have written this post apart from he's good at giving then healthy food, although wouldn't think about preparing food if I was there ?!

I want to leave but can't afford to

whatawhoohaaa Tue 06-Jun-17 12:35:15

Yup, finances are an issue for me too.

I don't even like him as a person anymore. I think he doesn't tell me anything because he's embarrassed etc but I keep telling him being lied to is worse. I'm a pretty forgiving person as long as I'm not lied too.

He can't be happy, so why just ignore my complaints and suggestion of divorce?

He makes no attempt to change even though he admits his errors - though clearly just to suit me up.

I've started to just think I'm being unreasonable and expect to much. The grass isn't greener an what not, because ppl keep telling me, oh you have got a good one there, but I just don't see it!!

Gottagetmoving Tue 06-Jun-17 12:41:57

Your children will be happier if you are happy. Of course they will be affected but you can't carry on being so unhappy.
Suggest marriage counselling if you don't want to give up immediately.
Get advice re finances and managing as a single parent. It may not be as bad as you fear.
After my divorce when my children were 6 & 9 yrs old, we were worse off financially but so much happier. I managed money better on my own.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 06-Jun-17 14:51:48

You sound like my friend. Her DH must be unhappy and he makes her unhappy. My DH keeps saying, "it would be easier to just be nice to her" because he can't understand why you would sit in an unhappy marriage not trying.

You don't need his permission to split up.

whatawhoohaaa Tue 06-Jun-17 16:25:18

I know, I don't know why I am so unmotivated to just end it.

I don't have any interest in trying. He has had dozens of chances - he hadn't changed

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 06-Jun-17 16:30:49

In her case it's partly money and partly that he has her ground down.

AmserGwin Tue 06-Jun-17 16:58:29

I wasted 10 years on my ex, ending is was the best thing for everyone. Do it, don't waste your life like this

Chewie198686 Tue 06-Jun-17 17:00:11

Of course she needs to justify her reasons.

whatawhoohaaa Tue 06-Jun-17 18:50:07

I found out this week that he has purposely withheld info for the last 18months. He has no reason other than he was embarrassed. Of what? I wouldn't consider not telling him anything, another example of his single mindedness.

The worst thing is, is that I knew the information already, because I'm not fucking stupid and have been asking pointed questions where he could have quit easily told me the truth, but he choose not too. He only told me because I had a gut feeling he wasn't at work like he said he was, so I lied about someone visiting his work place and him not being there!

This isn't about an affair it's utterly trivial, I find it insulting that he was supposedly to embarrassed to tell me - I don't understand how, after 10 years and my own transparency, he doesn't feel the same way.

This was the fi

whatawhoohaaa Tue 06-Jun-17 18:53:58

This was the final straw for me. I am not a priority for him at all, the first time he bought me an exams gift was last year only because my dad took him to town and made him!!!

The moe I write down I realise what a mug I've been!

DonaldStott Tue 06-Jun-17 19:00:27

I wouldn't leave but I would ask him to. You have the kids. Send him to his parents or whoever's. He sounds infuriating.

joolspoon Tue 06-Jun-17 19:08:26

Can u ask has it affected your intimacy? We've had no intimacy for 2 years! And I can't bare his touch.

mygorgeousmilo Tue 06-Jun-17 19:21:44

Tell him to leave, rather than you leaving and disrupting the children

whatawhoohaaa Tue 06-Jun-17 21:06:41

Intimacy is sporadic. I've lost interest in general and have no respect for him.

PeaFaceMcgee Wed 07-Jun-17 00:30:50

Of course she needs to justify her reasons

Why? I no longer love you nor want to be married to you is good enough rationale for anyone, regardless of anything else!

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 07-Jun-17 00:46:44

She may feel that she needs to justify her reasons to herself. But she doesn't have to to anyone else.

HS2whattodo Wed 07-Jun-17 07:18:56

Why didn't you leave before you got married and had kids if you were not happy and he had an EA? Seems like some of this situation is of your own making.

If you are not happy and think there is no way back then sort it out and tell him you want to split up. It won't sort itself.

messofajess Wed 07-Jun-17 08:08:59

hs2 why bother coming on here and writing a message like that? OP is asking for support and clarification not judgement on her past life. She's obviously trying to sort it?

RhiWrites Wed 07-Jun-17 08:26:55

You know do don't like him and you certainly don't love him. You mentioned money holding you back from leaving and other people's opinions of him being good.

Look, they're not married to him, you are. Maybe another woman would find him perfect, you don't. And if you don't end it you'll be missing out on the loving mutual relationship that's out there for you.

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