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To make plans for a night when my kids are at home?

(19 Posts)
ComplexCookie Mon 05-Jun-17 23:15:32

Hi,

My DD (16) is currently not speaking to me because I have told her I am going out for a couple of hours tomorrow night for a drink with a friend - I am going for dinner with a man, not that I have given the specifics as I don't feel they need to know at this point.Also have DS (14) at home who was absolutely fine about it. My mum lives across the road and will be watching out for them if they need her etc.

She feels that I should make arrangements when they are at their dads, which I normally do. This is an exception and I rarely do anything when they are with me other than the odd cup of tea at a friends for an hour. And even that's a rarity.

Their attitude to me is completely different to their dad and she is making me feel really bad. I work full time but other than that, I mostly look after the house, taxi them around and help them with homework etc.
And that has been the case since their dad left when they were 1 and 3 years old.

AIBU to have a little bit of a social life now that they are older?

ImperialBlether Mon 05-Jun-17 23:17:24

Does she have a social life?

Louiselouie0890 Mon 05-Jun-17 23:19:25

I don't know the ins and outs obviously but is it more of an issue that your going put with a man rather than going out or has she nt been bothered before split up ages etc etc

Runningissimple Mon 05-Jun-17 23:19:59

You are allowed to have a life. Your 16 year old is bu. But that's the prerogative of being 16. Talk to her about her concerns, listen to what she says and explain your point of view a bit - but still go out. She's not the boss of you! Enjoy smile

Miniwookie Mon 05-Jun-17 23:25:22

What does she want you to do instead? She is BU. If you and her DF were not split up you would probably go out together now and again.

ComplexCookie Mon 05-Jun-17 23:43:41

She doesn't go out a lot admittedly. She has a good and stable friendship group but we live in the countryside so then getting together on weekends and evenings can be problematic. She has a part time job and goes out with other members of the family when she wants to.

I haven't told her I am going out with a man. I just said a friend. I'm probably overprotective by not telling them but dating is so fickle in the modern world, it could end tomorrow so I only tell them if things have progressed to a point I would like them all to meet. I've not dated a lot of men since her DF and I split up as it wasn't a priority but this man is very nice, kind and I like him so I want to give it a go x

HildaOg Tue 06-Jun-17 00:00:04

I couldn't imagine caring what my parents did at that age, it's weird that she would be so overly attached. Like a toddler. Don't pander to her. Don't feel guilty. She needs to get over herself and focus on what she needs to do in her own life.

Go enjoy your date and don't ever ask her for permission or explain yourself to her.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 06-Jun-17 00:02:59

Tell when you are well entitled to replace your dm status for cookie head at times. .

BITCAT Tue 06-Jun-17 00:06:49

You need a life too. My kids are very happy for me to go out. My dd1 even offers to watch her brother and sister and cook there tea. She's 15. I think your dd is bu and needs to realise that you need a life and she is being a little bit selfish.

emesis Tue 06-Jun-17 00:46:20

She's being unreasonable but in an understandable way if that makes sense.

Contrary to a previous poster, I cared VERY much what my mother did at that age and had huge anxiety over her being with another man (my father died).

I would go easy on her and try to be understanding. Teenagers are not known for their selflessness, it can be a scary time of life emotionally... Maybe make a quiet time when you can talk it through with her and make her feel secure and loved.

Rossigigi Tue 06-Jun-17 08:55:05

You are allowed to have a social life. Sit down with her and explain it to her as an adult.

arbrighton Tue 06-Jun-17 08:59:49

Is DD currently in the middle of GCSEs so stressed/ perhaps a bit more anxious than usual?

She is BU to expect you to stop in to look after 2 teenagers (and wait on her!?!) but I suspect what she is actually saying is more like 'i'm stressed and I might need to have a flap at you mum'

Ohyesiam Tue 06-Jun-17 17:10:01

Don't feel guilty, 16 year old can be very unreasonable. She might not feel it at the moment, but nothing makes a family happier than a happy mum.
Enjoy yourself .

Chewie198686 Tue 06-Jun-17 17:13:26

You obviously have split with their dad.

How much social time do you spend with them? Is whatever night of the week you're off out usually mum/child time? If you were home would you be doing stuff with the kids or would they be sat on various devices ignoring your existence until dinner was ready?

harderandharder2breathe Tue 06-Jun-17 17:35:55

If it's a new relationship I think it's right not to tell the kids, even if they are teens.

Why is she upset? Is she anxious about being home alone? Or just having a teenage strop?

harderandharder2breathe Tue 06-Jun-17 17:36:40

Oh and YANBU to leave a 14 and 16 year old alone for a few hours in the evening.

ComplexCookie Tue 06-Jun-17 17:50:54

We have been split up a long time. Yes she is going through her GCSEs and I have spent a lot of time and energy supporting her with this even when I am at work. Every other evening of the week, bar the ones she spends at her dads, I am around and in the house so I spend lots of time with her and her brother. She's still upset about it tonight so I have stopped speaking to her about it. I am so upset at her attitude to me over this x

ComplexCookie Tue 06-Jun-17 17:51:22

It's made me less excited about the evening but I'm getting ready and hoping I feel better once I'm out x

ComplexCookie Tue 06-Jun-17 22:17:33

Well I went out on my date and it was lovely. I fancied him more than I expected too and it was very relaxed. I'm not sure he fancied me but it was nice to have some adult time.

However, at about 9.15 my daughter rang so I spoke to her and she kept asking when I was coming home, even though I told her 10pm. And then started ranting about her conditioner having water in the bottle (!!!!) He could hear her and I was mortified. Then she rang another 3 times but I didn't answer. So I'm pretty sure I'll never hear from him again!

So me and DD have had a row when I got home. She called me selfish. I said the same to her and I've tactically retreated to bed before I throttle her!

Thanks for all your support with the comments xx

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