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Aibu or is He??

(23 Posts)
BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 12:57:34

My partner and I have been together 8 years, we have a good relationship we don't argue often and we were friends long before, know each other since junior school. Now both in our 40's.
Sat he took my youngest dd and his ds to a local wrestling match along with his brother and his kids. This happens every couple of months and they go to the chippy nearby for tea before the match, the kids enjoy it.
Normally I stay in with the other kids but this time I had decided last minute to take elder dd(who had just returned from a week in spain) and ds2 for something to eat and watch a movie.
We went to a pub outlet that does food then went over to watch a movie.
Problem is dp got the hump with me for going to pub for food, as they had only had chippy, baring in mind I don't go out every time they do. I thought he was being very petty and childish and tbh he kind of ruined a perfectly nice relaxed night.
We Had, had visitors all day at home Too, his brother and kids and my brother and child. He wanted me to go chippy with them, but I wanted to tidy the house after the kids had gone before I left. As I didn't want to return to a mess.
I feel like he is punishing me for spending time with the other kids. He thinks everything is ok and it's not, I feel hurt as he knows how controlling there dad was and I can not deal with it again.
I suppose I need someone to tell me I'm not being daft. Or aibu?

MrsHathaway Mon 05-Jun-17 12:59:05

WTF?

Is it a finances issue, or a "having fun without me" issue? I could forgive him getting the hump if you'd spent a week's grocery money on one meal, for example.

BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 13:10:00

No it's nothing to do with finances, it's more to do with him going to the chippy and me going to a pub. I spent a total of 25 on meals and drinks so I didn't spend much. Another 30 quid on tickets and food at cinema. Probably less than they did if you include drinks and tickets. I'm pretty money savvy and if we couldn't afford it I wouldn't have gone.
Thing is how do I approach the subject and tell him how I feel without having a full blown argument which I really done want.

MyNameIsntTaken Mon 05-Jun-17 13:12:32

He is. Unless of course, like mentioned above, you'd spent the grocery money and now have to go without. But then again, if it were the case, why should he always get to spend the extra money on his things while you're at home doing nothing. It's fair for both to go and do something fun from time to time.

MyNameIsntTaken Mon 05-Jun-17 13:14:04

Cross post. Yes, he is definitely being unreasonable.
Just tell him calmly. If that turns into a big argument, then there are obviously other issues he has if he can't discuss something like a normal rational adult.

MrsHathaway Mon 05-Jun-17 13:16:01

Just tell him calmly. If that turns into a big argument, then there are obviously other issues he has if he can't discuss something like a normal rational adult.

What she said.

Chloe84 Mon 05-Jun-17 13:20:24

He is definitely BU.

It's not fair for you and DC to miss out on a treat just because you didn't go to the wrestling.

Just because they went to the chippy doesn't mean you have to go there too.

You definitely need to discuss this other him.

And I think you need to do something you enjoy more regularly.

BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 13:21:38

It was great we saw wonder woman!!!
This is post from my ds on Facebook to my brother..thats what it's all about..the kids had fun..doesnt matter who went where!!
I don't understand why I'm so upset about it, maybe because I thought he was different. Never thought he would ever treat me like this, up until now he has always been fair and never expected me to explain anything I did or bought.

DarkFloodRises Mon 05-Jun-17 13:22:27

He is. And he sounds like a pretty joyless man.

BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 13:25:27

Chloe 84 I don't go out often because of medical issues and pain management, this happened to be a good day. We do try to go out as a couple during the month at least once too. I'm happy to stay in and bake or soak in the bath most times. But I hadn't seen my daughter in a week as she had been away too..so I thought it would be nice to go out and have some quality time.

picklemepopcorn Mon 05-Jun-17 13:27:04

Maybe start the conversation by pointing out that you feel really sensitive about it, and don't want him to answer straight away because you want him to have thought about it so you can both talk calmly.

Then point out that your outing wasn't unfair, wasn't expensive, and that you don't understand why he is cross about it.

Make him do the work of explaining what he thinks is wrong, don't accuse him or try and imagine what his motive is. You could be completely wrong, apart from anything else!

BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 13:32:30

DarkFloodRises most of the time he is an absolute joy to be with. I love him so much, he picked me up when I was at my lowest and lifted me up, he gave me back my confidence and loves my kids like there his own.
It's just this one childish incident..and I don't understand why it's such an issue.

BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 13:35:02

And continues to build me up. Never puts me down even though I have put weight on. My ex made me feel worthless.

MrsHathaway Mon 05-Jun-17 13:36:58

He could be a 5/10 arsehole capable of kindness. He'd look like a prince compared to your (say) 8/10 arsehole ex. Being better than your ex doesn't mean he's good enough for you.

BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 13:37:16

He didn't get hardly anything as a kid, his parents were very poor. And saw other kids, family members getting everything they wanted. I don't know whether this maybe an issue.

MrsHathaway Mon 05-Jun-17 13:38:07

Crossed with you.

Never puts me down even though I have put weight on.

I find this odd.

1. You're expecting to be put down for this, and you sound like you think you deserve it. That's just not right.

2. He is putting you down, but for having fun with your children rather than for being fat. That's not right either.

BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 13:45:52

I never feel worthless or unloved with him.
We have a deep connection always have done..throughout our teenage years. He is a good man, he takes care of my kids and protects them like there his own. I know he loves me. He does many many good things it's just one silly incident and some silly things said. I do need to sit him down and explain how he has made me feel and I suspect knowing what my ex did to me, knowing he made me feel that way again will make him feel awful.

BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 13:55:19

I do expect it because this is what my ex did to me..i look in the mirror and see fat.
My dp looks at me and says I'm still sexy to him and I should never feel bad about my body, you are still you. When I'm upset he comforts me, when I'm in pain he gets upset because he can't remove the pain even though he would gladly, he walks in all weather's to fetch painkillers and will occasionally randomly bring me flowers or chocolates just because he was thinking about me. He has made a mistake and I hope by speaking to him and telling him how he has made me feel that he will understand what he has done and realise he is being unreasonable.
I have too made mistakes but I'm not a bad person.

Figaro2017 Mon 05-Jun-17 13:56:13

Sounds like he did what we're all capable of. He got it wrong for whatever reason. I'd leave it a day or two and then just tell him.

If he's a reasonable man, he'll understand.

DarkFloodRises Mon 05-Jun-17 13:59:21

Reading your later posts I agree with Figaro. Anyone can have a bad day!

BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 13:59:54

Figaro2017 yes I think he is human. He did get it wrong. I just needed someone to confirm he did and that its not me being unreasonable because I'm human and sometimes I do get it wrong too.
I don't want this to ruin what we have.

BITCAT Mon 05-Jun-17 23:58:35

It's sorted. He has apologised and said he realises how it came across and is really sorry he upset me as he loves me so much.
He said I am a dick and I do not deserve you, we've had a long talk and a cuddle.
Got cut short by dd1 crying her eyes out as her boyfriend has just dumped her so we've been trying to console her too.
I'm so used to things like this turning into full blown arguments from my previous relationship I forget that he isn't the same and I need to try leave the past behind.

picklemepopcorn Tue 06-Jun-17 06:41:49

flowers

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