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To not tell my friend she's just a rebound

(36 Posts)
user1496429410 Sun 04-Jun-17 10:51:07

I have a work colleague. I brought my friend along to a work do and my extremely flirty work colleague got chatting to my friend and added her on Facebook.

I'm not keen on him as I think he's a bit of a player. Flirts with anything that moves and loves the attention of the ladies. He tried to flirt with me and when I told him I'm not up for flirting his ego was hurt and His way of dealing with the fact I didn't like him was to tell me how hot other women were constantly, in an attempt to make me jealous. He could also be mean to me. As a result I made sure to avoid him.

Despite all this I do think he loved his girlfriend. He's was just a flirt who loved attention but He had a long term girlfriend. They were together for 5 years and to be fair he always made it clear he had a girlfriend and I don't think he'd have actually cheated. He seemed in love with her but just a bit attention seeking and that's why he flirted with anything that moved.

His long term girlfriend left him after 5 years. I don't know what happened. Suddenly he announced he was single on Facebook and uploaded loads of pics of him with his arms around pretty women. He messaged me to say he was single. I didn't reply. A month later he contacted my friend asking her on a date. Another month later he was uploading loads of loved up pics of them both, moving in with her, introducing her to family, declaring his love for her. She's told me this and I have her on social media so can see the posts. They've been together 5 months and their relationship is like that of people who have been together years.

Everyone is saying what a cute couple they are and being very positive.

I just feel awful because, I'm sorry but to me it's quite clear her only purpose to him is to make his ex jealous and hurt her. He is angry at his ex and doesn't want her to see him single. I think he wants to hurt his ex by showing her he's moved on. Every post of them he puts as public and I'm almost certain it's for his ex's benefit. I just don't believe you can be over a 5 year relationship in a month.

Now none of this matters in theory as she's a grown woman. But she is vulnerable and she is my friend. She's been single years and is clearly besotted with him. She has become very, very invested in him and after only 5 months of dating is living with him. They moved in together after 8 weeks of dating. I just hate sitting back and watching my friend being used to make another woman jealous and as a rebound and I feel awful as I introduced them.

He's also been trying to get my attention by messaging me. I refused to add him on Facebook so he likes all my public posts. I blocked him a few weeks ago.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was messaging other women too. I don't think j he's physically cheating on her but I'd be surprised if he wasn't flirting with other women.

I'm not going to say and do anything. She's a grown woman and will learn in her own time but I feel so guilty and awful. Then sometimes I think, maybe he does genuinely like her and they're going to last and be happy together.

She doesn't know him. Doesn't know what he's like in the way I do. She's blindly besotted and I feel I've instigated it but bringing her somewhere they would meet. She will be devastated if it ends and it would affect her mental health. But I don't KNOW she's a rebound and she's an adult.

AIBU if I do nothing?

LittleBooInABox Sun 04-Jun-17 10:53:38

Let them deal with it. You could be wrong.

Iamastonished Sun 04-Jun-17 10:54:42

I agree. You just need to bite your tongue and keep quiet.

user1496429410 Sun 04-Jun-17 10:56:00

I don't know why it's affected me so much. I think it's because she met him through me.

I'd be surprised if I was wrong.

i just hope she doesn't blame me if it all ends.

LedaP Sun 04-Jun-17 10:56:42

Dh knows me better than anyone. He wouldnt recognise me at work. I dont flirt etc but i am very different at work.

Its possible you dont know the real him at all.

BlondeB83 Sun 04-Jun-17 10:58:40

Keep quiet, you may be wrong and they may be really happy together. Try and look at it in a positive way.

BlondeB83 Sun 04-Jun-17 11:00:01

Why would she blame you? She's in what appears to be a happy relationship at the moment. If it ends then it will be to do with them as a couple. Is he still flirting with everything that moves?

TisapityshesaGeordie Sun 04-Jun-17 11:00:02

DH and I met when he was 2 months out of a 7 year relationship. We moved in together after 6 months. Everyone assumed it was a rebound thing. 13 years later and 2 kids later, we're still very happy.

You're making a lot assumptions here. I'd keep out of it, it's really none of your business.

user1496429410 Sun 04-Jun-17 11:03:22

He's still a flirt. Still tries to get my attention too. Still desperately trying to make his ex jealous.

I honestly don't think this will end well.

I'd absolutely love to believe they were happy and everything is fine and he's over his ex. But I'm just really not convinced.

But she is a grown woman.

I just don't want to see her really hurt.
She is vulnerable for various reasons. This has me very nervous.

honeyroar Sun 04-Jun-17 11:06:20

How do you know he's only doing it to get at his ex? Does he talk about her aat work? Are his messages to you flirty? If they have been happy for five months, it's looking like a bit more than a flash in the pan. Some people do move on quickly, I had a boyfriend who just jumped from one long term relationship straight into another, all were years long, he just never did being single for long. Bit strange to me, but each to his own.

user1496429410 Sun 04-Jun-17 11:30:28

Yup he's still the world biggest flirt.

I'd love to believe it would end well but I just can't see this having a happy ending for my friend.

MargaretCavendish Sun 04-Jun-17 11:34:17

When I split up with a boyfriend that I lived with and had been with for over six years we both had new relationships within three months. I'm sure everyone imagined both of us were just rebounding. We're both still with those people eight years later, and I married mine! You can't tell these things from outside a relationship.

You mention a lot that this guy also flirts with you - does something about their relationship make you feel insecure?

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 04-Jun-17 11:36:33

You've left it too late. The time to tell your vulnerable friend your concerns was when they had only started seeing each other, not 5 months down the line when she's moved in with him.

Whatsinausername10 Sun 04-Jun-17 11:36:58

I don't mean this as a criticism but your time to warn her was before the first date, or within the first week or two of them being together.

I think its reasonable to warn a friend very early on but you can only do it once and then you have to keep quite and hope for the best.

Since she's already moved in with him I think you just have to keep quiet now and hope you're wrong!

Purplemac Sun 04-Jun-17 11:39:14

I don't think it's any of your business really.

I'm a huge flirt at work. DH knew this when he met me. We've been happily married for 3 years. We met a week after he split with his ex.

This doesn't read like you're worried about your friend, it reads like you're jealous. What was the relevance to mentioning he messaged you to let you know he was single? Are you trying to make a point that you could have had him if you wanted him?

JustAnotherPoster00 Sun 04-Jun-17 12:00:18

This doesn't read like you're worried about your friend, it reads like you're jealous. What was the relevance to mentioning he messaged you to let you know he was single? Are you trying to make a point that you could have had him if you wanted him?

^^ This

ShinyGirl Sun 04-Jun-17 12:06:40

Are you a teeny tiny but jealous?

sonjadog Sun 04-Jun-17 12:07:06

How can you be so sure it is to make his ex jealous? You can´t see in his head. Or maybe you were right at first and he has now realized what a wonderful woman he has met and fallen in love with your friend.

You can´t ever be so sure about someone else´s feelings and what is going on in their relationships.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Sun 04-Jun-17 12:28:05

What purplemac said. You sound peeved that he wants your friend and not you. And saying he's 'trying to get your attention'? hmm

If they've been together 5 months then it's more than a fling.

user1496429410 Sun 04-Jun-17 12:57:52

I knew someone would say I'm jealous but I know it's definitely not that.

I've turned him down in the past and I'm not interested.

I'm actually at the stage where I'm almost certain I'm lesbian.

I mentioned his interaction with me because that's one of the main reasons I'm nervous about this. If he's like that with me and I'm her friend, I'm wondering what he's like with other women.

I'm just very wary and I do genuinely think he still likes his ex. I think he's using her to hurt his ex.

My friend is going to end up hurt and I just hope she doesn't hate me for not warning her what he's like.

MickeyRooney Sun 04-Jun-17 12:58:47

Stay out of it.

user1496429410 Sun 04-Jun-17 13:00:25

hopefully you're all correct and I'm worried over nothing. Or if I'm right it doesn't leave my friend devastated.

Thanks for the replies.

Purplemac Sun 04-Jun-17 13:40:12

My friend is going to end up hurt and I just hope she doesn't hate me for not warning her what he's like.

Or, you know, she might not get hurt. They've been together for five months. It's not a particularly long time but they live together and I bet she knows him more intimately than you do.

sonjadog Sun 04-Jun-17 13:47:55

I think you need to work on accepting that your friend, who has been dating with this guy for five months and lives with him, may possibly know him better than you, who work with him. Maybe you aren't jealous of them in a romantic way, but possibly in a "stealing my admirer" way. You do seem to be overly invested in how much you know him.

PicaPauAmarelo Sun 04-Jun-17 14:03:02

What makes you think he still likes his ex?

My husband is an awful flirt, he always has been. He didn't flirt with me, he was too shy to do that. I'm probably the only person (yes he flirts with some men too) that he hasn't flirted with. If he met an attractive woman and didn't flirt, then I'd be worried. Flirting is irrelevant, it usually means you're not really trying because flirts are usually just having fun and not concerned about the impression they're making or what people think of them.

If she lives with him, it's almost certain she knows him better than you.

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