DH and smoking

[justkeeponsmiling]

Just typed out a massive post but really it can all be brought down to this: DH and I used to smoke. I have up many years ago. DH finally managed to quit a couple of years ago.
Turns out DH has started again. Has been smoking in secret, like a fucking teenager behind their parents' back initially. Now I have found out he is very sheepish but we were at a party tonight and he was again smoking, first behind my back and when I realised and confronted him he admitted it and then smoked in front of me.
The thing is, I am absolutely gutted and yes, so disappointed in him. I am really surprised at the severity of my own reaction but I can't even look at him. I am absolutely livid.
I really don't know how to deal with this - wwyd?

[RedastheRose]

I get that you are upset, but are you upset about the smoking or the deceit? He is an adult so provided he doesn't smoke around you it's his decision if he wants to kill himself. However, it is your decision whether you want to kiss or do anything else with someone who smells of smoke.

[Framboise18]

To be honest it's his choice to smoke and relapses are very common. I think a more supportive side would be better. He probably felt ashamed of smoking again? Best to speak with him when the shock wears of rather than this starting into an argument. Hope it works out x

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

I would LTB. It's a dealbreaker for me; I could never, ever be with a smoker.

But since you used to smoke, I'm not really sure if there's anything you can do.

[AlmostAJillSandwich]

I'm surprised as an ex smoker yourself you didn't notice he had started. Every ex smoker i know is hypersensitive to the smell of cigs and finds it repulsive.
That being said, you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If he chooses to continue to smoke, that is his choice, but you absolutely have the right to say not in your home, and not want to kiss him after he's been smoking etc. You also get to decide if you can't or don't want to live with or be in a relationship with a smoker, especially if him smoking could possibly cause you to start smoking again. He has the choice to quit or continue, but he doesn't get to decide if its acceptable to you or not.

[user1471548375]

It's a tough one. Firstly. Well done you for giving up. I know how hard it is.

Secondly, knowing how hard it is, I'm not surprised he's slipped back into it. It takes most people (myself included) many many goes to actually give up.

Shit that he's lied about it, but given the strength of your feelings on it, I can see why. Aim for compassion, not judgement, but let him know how hurtful the lies are.

[HearTheThunderRoar]

Similar thing happened to me OP.

My DH was a smoker, about 10yrs ago he said he 'gave up', after I pleaded with him to stop as it was expensive and dangerous for his health. I do believe he did give up for a while but at some point he started smoking again (I caught him a couple of times at our house), however it was hard to 'monitor' him as he worked away 4-5 days per week (including weekends and nights).

I didn't do anything about it and I pretended not to know he was smoking because
a) he was a non drinker so I stupidity thought that would cancel out the health affects of smoking.
b) He never smoked in front of DD or I, so at least we weren't exposed to it (a closet smoker)
c) And obviously it was his body, his choice etc and I knew he was a smoker when I married him.

To cut a long boring story short, DH died 4 years ago (hereditary condition so not caused by smoking but smoking certainly would not have helped) and on the night he died we found cigarettes in his trouser pockets, to say DD was disappointment is an understatement as she thought he had given up, she was so proud.

In hindsight, I wish I had done something and at least keep supporting him, not bury my head in the sand and let him smoke behind my back. But there was very little I could do, you can support him all you like but he needs to make the decision when he is ready to give up smoking, not you nagging at him to give up.

Because at about the same time, I was watching my brother (another smoker) try and give up smoking by various different methods, however he was not in the headspace to give up. So my brother is still a current smoker.

[mummarichardson]

I feel your pain, the same happened to me and I just found it really excruciating watching him start up a habit of 20 a day again spending £10 a pop each go when I was watching money for our family and not buying stuff so he could afford his habit. I went on and on and on at him and it caused major issues between us. Finally he signed up to Allen carrs easy way 1 day stop smoking course and he seems to have finally kicked it. Not sure if it was because he was genuinely ready himself or because j made him go though?!

[justkeeponsmiling]

I am angry about the smoking as well as the deceit. I know he kept it secret because he knew I would hate it. What happened was that he went away for a weekend with mates, they got really drunk, he thought that he could handle having a few fags and then going back to bring a non smoker after the weekend was over and of course it didn't work like that. So it has been a very gradual, slow process. I think I only realised a couple of weeks ago that he had restarted because up until then he was only smoking very occasionally.
When I initially found out I was really cross. But I do understand it's a terrible addiction and once things had calmed down I sat down with him and told him that I understood how it happened and that I wasn't actually judging him for it, but at the same time I urged him to get help to quit again asap before he was back to his 20 a day habit. I don't believe in guilt tripping, I get that he is an adult and as such needs to make his own decisions. But I did beg him to stop again as soon as possible. He sort of agreed and left it at that.
Since then I have smelt it on him a couple of times and not mentioned it, as I don't really see the point. I don't know if this was some sort of signal for him that it's ok with me that he now smokes again. But last night we went to a party and he ended up sneaking round the corner when I was on the toilet for a quick fag and it just pushed me over the edge I think. He could tell I annoyed and at that point obviously thought fuck it and ended up smoking in front of me. We didn't really speak about it when we got home, he was pissed and I was too cross so there was no point.
I'm pissed off that he has been sneaking around like a fucking schoolboy, but to be fair I am just as pissed off that he then ended up smoking right in front of me, so I get that he couldn't really win there. I'm just not sure how to deal with this. Part of me feels that I am being too harsh on him, but I just can't pretend that it's ok with me because it's just not.
Hear I am sorry, what an awful thing to be happening to you and your family