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She's not my mom but, calls herself Nana

(118 Posts)
MomtoOneMarvelousBubba Sat 03-Jun-17 23:39:54

My Dad recently married the woman he has been seeing since my mom died 10 years ago.
The relationship between me and my dad collapsed after my mom died so I only met his wife 3 or so times over the years before they were married. Like most people i love my mom to bits, i was fotunate as she was a really good mother and I know i wouldnt be the woman I am today without her.

Since the marriage and falling pregnant and then having my LO (shes 4 months), I have made an effort to be inclusive but, still now even though it's been so long every time I see my dads wife I feel so sad it's not my mom stood there and I just can't help it. I should add she's a perfectly nice lady im happy for my dad - losing my mom was a tragedy but, I was in my twenties when this happened so not in need of a stepmother and I will never develop this kind of relationship with her which makes me feel a bit funny that shes just snatched up the title of grandmother so thoughtlessly. I want to bring my daughter up knowing as much as she can of my mom (home vids, pics and funny stories etc) So my question is AIBU to ask her to stop calling herself nana...

Any suggestions on how to go about the convo or, actual experience of this kind of situation. I would be most grateful xx

5OBalesofHay Sat 03-Jun-17 23:48:03

Maybe Nana is her tactful way of not calling herself a grandparent sort of name? (Granny etc)

This does sound more about your understandably grief than the perfectly nice sounding woman wanting a relationship with you all.

I hope you can all navigate this

Ravenblack Sat 03-Jun-17 23:49:05

All you can do is talk to your dad about how you don't like her calling herself 'nan.'

Can't see she is doing any harm though tbh........... JMO.

KindleBueno Sat 03-Jun-17 23:49:37

It's entirely up to you but could you possibly refer to one as nana and the other granny?

Allthebestnamesareused Sat 03-Jun-17 23:50:50

We have step grandparents on my Dh side both mum and dad remarried. One stepgran is Nanny and stepgrandad is grandad. I would rather them be included and feel like they want to treat my kids as grandchildren rather than feel like outsiders and therefore not want a relationship or potentially upset a relationship with biological gps.

CuddledUpWithMyCat Sat 03-Jun-17 23:52:08

What you have gone through by losing your mum must have been awful and it is such a shame your baby won't meet her. However, it sounds like there is another women who, whilst in no way replacing your mum, would like a relationship with your child and most children benefit greatly from grandparents or equivalent. If you don't like her using the name Nana, could you perhaps come up with another suitable name and use the name Granny or similar whenever you refer to your own mum (even though she is not here)?

delilah245 Sat 03-Jun-17 23:52:37

Have you thought of a name that you wouldn't mind your daughter calling her?.. Just tell her "I was thinking it would be really nice to call you XYZ".. she should get the message. As you said I doubt she has any idea It's bothering you and is probably just naturally asuming that role in an effort to be supportive of your dad, her husband. it's obviously making you uncomfortable though, so maybe easily try suggesting something else you can live with?
I haven't experienced exactly this, but my MIL would always call herself momma to my DS. I would continue asking her "what grandma name do you want to be called" eventually I just started calling her something else since she'd never choose. Now that's what DCs called her since I'd always call her that. wink

dinosaursandtea Sat 03-Jun-17 23:53:47

I totally understand - we lost our mum 8 years ago and if my dad's gf referred to herself as my nephew's nana, we'd have a shit fit. Just say nicely to your dad that although you like her and are glad he's happy, this woman isn't your child's nana and you'd rather your dc get to know her by her proper name.

Floralnomad Sat 03-Jun-17 23:55:06

Does it matter , lots of children have several nans because of step families , the fact that you didn't need a replacement mum doesn't mean your daughter can't have an extra nan , particularly if as you say you don't have an issue with this lady .

ToriaPumpkin Sat 03-Jun-17 23:55:28

My father died, and my mum is remarried (though it was before his death due to divorce). My step dad has always been grandad to my kids, as was my father until his death, and FIL. The kids just had three grandads and they've never questioned it much. I can understand you want your DC to know about your mum, but is there a compromise to be had?

elliejjtiny Sat 03-Jun-17 23:56:36

I've experienced this with my grandparents. When you talk to your LO about your mum do you call her Nana or something else? Could your Dad's wife be Gran or Auntie (name)? Can you think of her as a 3rd grandmother to your LO and another MIL to you rather than someone who isn't your mum? My dc call their great granddad's wife by her first name but treat her the same as their other great grandparents. If people ask, they refer to her as "great granddad's best friend" which is nice I think. Some of their cousins have a name they call her that is a combination of her first name and grandma.

dinosaursandtea Sat 03-Jun-17 23:57:38

If the OP doesn't want her daughter to know her grandad's partner as 'nana', that is totally her right. It doesn't mean she's trying to insult anyone, but this woman isn't her DD's grandmother and OP understandably wants to keep the maternal grandmother title in memory of her own mother.

Redglitter Sun 04-Jun-17 00:00:00

My friends dad died many years ago and her mum remarried. Her son's call her step dad a name which isn't grandpa etc but is recognising his place in their lives (too identifying to say what it is) They also know that he's not their mummys dad and have seen photos of their grandpa

They do however have a fantastic relationship with her step dad.

Siwdmae Sun 04-Jun-17 00:01:26

What dinosaur says is perfect, not offensive and very cool.

madcatwoman61 Sun 04-Jun-17 00:02:29

I have 2 stepmothers - my children call them by their first names. They do not remember my mum but think of her as granny

squoosh Sun 04-Jun-17 00:06:26

I agree with dinosaur. If you don't want her having the title of Nana that is absolutely fine. It sounds as though you've only met her a handful of times so it's pretty odd she's trying to assume a grandmotherly role to your kids.

MomtoOneMarvelousBubba Sun 04-Jun-17 00:13:33

Thank you everyone. I just feelt I needed to sense check. I don't have any hard feelings towards her it's just that it makes me feel eugh in a sad way. Plus I'm also very aware she will be in my daughters life so I just want a nice balance a respectful recognition if you like. I'll broach the subject with my dad

BewareOfDragons Sun 04-Jun-17 00:15:55

I'm very sorry that you lost your mum so young. It's so unfair.

I do think it's important to remember, though, that your children can't have too many people in their lives to love them.

pigsDOfly Sun 04-Jun-17 00:17:31

Would you call your DM nana when talking to your DD about her OP? If so, as pp say, you really need to think of something you and your dad's wife can call herself that doesn't make you feel like she's trying to take your DM's role in your child's life.

She's may mean well, but I think she's being incredibly tactless in just assuming she's nana, she isn't your child's grandmother and if it's upsetting you to hear her refer to herself this way she needs to be told, not in a harsh way, but she does need to know.

Figment1234 Sun 04-Jun-17 00:19:36

I wonder if you can ask her to call herself 'Auntie XXXX' instead. This is the approach that my brother has taken with my Dad's girlfriend. Like you, my mum died a few years ago and the thought of my niece and nephew (and any future children of mine) calling my dad's girlfriend Nana or Granny makes me feel physically sick. That doesn't mean that she can't be involved in their lives, but I feel that distinction is a fair one. If she is a nice woman then I am sure she will understand this.

pigsDOfly Sun 04-Jun-17 00:19:57

X post with everyone. I type far too slowly.

GreatFuckability Sun 04-Jun-17 00:24:41

my children call my dads wife Nanny. Its nice for them to have more grandparent figures in their life. I think your feelings around your mums death are clouding your judgement.

mathanxiety Sun 04-Jun-17 00:25:33

Could you get her to accept being called Nana 'Her Name'?

Is there still some negative energy between you and your dad?

NotTheQueen Sun 04-Jun-17 00:26:20

My family is the master of divorce and remarriage- my great grandparents were divorced grin, and that continues all the way down... (but hopefully stopę with me)

I called my maternal step greatgrandfather 'Uncle Jakob', yet my paternal step grandfather Popsie. My maternal step grandma is Lorraine (my mother hates her, me I feel anyone who survives our family deserves an award). All relationships pre-date my arrival in the world. My parents are divorced, and my stepmom is Nana Jenny

There isn't any right answer, it's what feels right for you.

GreatFuckability Sun 04-Jun-17 00:26:24

And i would argue its the childrens right to call her what they like. mine just naturally referred to my dads wife as nanny as her grandchildren call my dad grandad.

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