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For those of you with young kids

(22 Posts)
Naughty1205 Sat 03-Jun-17 11:34:59

If your partner/husband etc is going out for an evening how much notice would he give you? Say from 7 pm to early hours 2 am? This is just on top of my other thread about me feeling he has no respect for me and not feeling I'm important enough to give a bit of notice to. The assumption that I don't have anything planned myself (which of course I don't) also annoying. He told me just now he is going out tonight. 'I'm telling you now aren't I?' was his reply when I asked him why didn't he tell me before now. AIBU? Does this bother anyone else or am I being over sensitive? Thanks

Frustratedboarder Sat 03-Jun-17 11:40:06

Selfish arse, how does he you're not going out??! hmm
My DP might leave it till as late as that morning but tbh Due to the nature of his job neither of us has many nights out as no time....

Next time he does it maybe say "oh dear, I've got xxxx booked sorry, you'll have to cancel as mines been arranged for yonks" and see what happens?!

luckylucky24 Sat 03-Jun-17 11:41:21

It depends. IF he makes plans in advance I expect him to tell me in advance. Preferably when he makes them so I know not to arrange something or know not to get tea in etc. Usually I get a couple of days notice but occasionally he gets asked on the day but usually clears it with me

Hmmmwhyisthat Sat 03-Jun-17 11:42:41

About a week usually. Obviously there are exceptions if something comes up last minute but mostly he plans in advance. I do the same.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 03-Jun-17 11:46:41

Young kids? How young? My DP would never do that. Ever. He knows I work super hard to take care of our kids and I need help/a break at night.

He would only go out that late if it was a big thing, like a friend visiting from far away or a band he loves, so it would be weeks of notice at least.

I really wouldn't mind him having a night off each week or something (til maybe 10 or 11 - not 2am) but he wants to help because he's a good partner and dad.

Your partner does not respect you. Tell him how you feel when you're both calm and if he doesn't take steps to be a better partner you have a problem in your hands.

RainbowsAndUnicorn Sat 03-Jun-17 11:47:51

Depends, some we know in advance and some we make on the day. Doesn't bother me either way, I'd be very hmm if I needed to ask way in advance for permission to go.

JacquesHammer Sat 03-Jun-17 11:51:11

For us (when we were married) we put stuff in advance and would never do a social thing at the last minute (or we might ask but it was perfectly ok for the other to say "actually was hoping you'd be around tonight")

Ex-H works in the entertainment industry though, so it wasn't unusual for him to call and say "clients would like dinner, is that ok"? - for me the important thing was he always asked.

katiegg Sat 03-Jun-17 11:54:43

He doesn't often go out or make last minute plans, but when he does i don't have a problem with it. obviously if i'd planned something in advance, he doesn't go out. and if i make last-minute plans he's fine about it too.

i think it evens out with us, but if it was happening all the time with no regard for things i might have planned i'd be annoyed.

BToperator Sat 03-Jun-17 11:59:13

Its not so much when he tells you, but how that I'd be upset with. If he's known for ages obviously he should have given you more notice, but it sounds like he is telling you, not asking, which would annoy me! While I don't think couples should have to ask each other permission to go out, I do think it is only right to check the other one is OK to cover childcare that night.

bungle99 Sat 03-Jun-17 12:00:04

DH used to make plans without telling me as I was the SAHM and almost always guaranteed to be at home looking after kids. I found this really insulting as some days I needed more help than others and asked him to check with me, instead of just assuming that i am not going out or ok with doing everything. He now checks with me and writes on calendar. Sometimes weeks in advance, sometimes days. Hardly ever will he mention in on the morning. If he does go for last min drinks after work (very occasional) I ask him to text me and let me know as it's annoying if I've cooked dinner and I don't even know when he's coming home.

NapQueen Sat 03-Jun-17 12:02:08

When one of us makes plans we message the other "have u got plans on x date/time?" If yes, we rearrange our plans. If no we "ok gonna go out".

FreedomMummy Sat 03-Jun-17 12:02:55

I think I would be more bothered by the lack of conversation about it. It's the 'telling' you that he's going out that I think is disrespectful. It should be an open discussion. So YANBU.

Frustratedboarder Sat 03-Jun-17 12:10:45

Realised reading PPs I was so cross on your behalf Op I didn't answer the question properly!

OH is in hospitality and most of his (rare) drinks out are straight from work where he knows I'll already be at home with no plans anyway but (almost!) always let's me know he's going to be late back (& he's rarely that late anyway).

If it were a night out on a night off her would probably let me know a day or two before, at which time he would know it wasn't a problem as if I have anything arranged I get super excited and bang on about it for days beforehand! sad gobby cow that I am! grin

Naughty1205 Sat 03-Jun-17 12:11:48

Thanks everyone for replying. Bungle and I was just about to say that , yes it's the assumption that I don't do anything as I'm a sahp at the moment. Dd is 6 and doesn't sleep til 10 pm but is in bed reading mainly, but often comes into our bed. ds is 1 and wakes at night. He doesn't go out much at all. I don't go out enough either, I don't have money anyway and couldn't be bothered really, but it's the way he expects me to be here, the tone of his voice, the surprise that I questioned him on it, the lack of respect, I just ended up crying in the bathroom away from dd. It's just another in a series of things that make me feel he doesn't give a shit about anything I do or about me.
Some of you have such lovely caring kind husbands who seem to worship you. Mine used to. I don't know where it all went wrong.

pestov Sat 03-Jun-17 12:15:35

I'll sometimes get a voicemail after work saying he's staying out for a few drinks, but it's every few months and will be back by 10. He always checks with me if he's arranging something, and it's whoever asks first! He wouldn't even consider going out if DD isn't well though

ohtheholidays Sat 03-Jun-17 12:16:49

Usually a week at least,we don't really make plans at the last minute anymore unless they're plans for us as a family.

bungle99 Sat 03-Jun-17 18:42:10

OP you are def not being sensitive. Unfortunately, some men start treating their other halves differently once they have a baby and become the main carer. I think some men take the easy option of thinking they are earning money and don't really have to get involved with child rearing as that's our job.
How old is your DC?
Can you have a chat with him about how you feel ?
Maybe you need some time to yourself every week whilst he looks after the DC ?
Also do you get a chance to go out as a couple?
Sitting in room alone and crying sounds like you are knackered, maybe depressed and completely unsupported. Btw. I used to to feel like this so you are not alone.

bungle99 Sat 03-Jun-17 18:44:04

Sorry OP just read your DC are 6 and 1

Trifleorbust Sat 03-Jun-17 18:49:25

Why don't you have money to go out if he has money to go out? He sounds like a bully.

MistyMinge Sat 03-Jun-17 18:53:44

Like a previous poster said, if it had been arranged in advance I'd expect him to check in advance that I didn't have plans and was happy to stay home with the kids and vice versa. Occasionally DH might arrange something on the actual day or get invited out for some drinks at the last minute, but he'd check I was ok with it, not tell me that's what he's doing.

needsomesunshineandwine Sat 03-Jun-17 19:35:29

Sounds like my husband but leaves earlier and home later, wasting the next day, skinning himself.........selfish arsehole 😏

isthistoonosy Sat 03-Jun-17 19:37:59

We would ask each other at least a week before if it was ok.neither of us would just tell the other we are off out.

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