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To travel to see parents, even if my mother seems to hate my company 😟

(13 Posts)
canary1 Fri 02-Jun-17 22:55:04

Complicated tale but will try to summarise and would like opinion about what to do...I emigrated in my twenties and am married with three children, with all my family or origin in my country of birth. My parents most recently visited us here and my mother - who I hadn't seen in six months- was pretty horrible to me. No warmth, multiple criticisms which I believe are undeserved, not even an attempt at social niceties to my husband.... it was really an awful visit for the 4 days. Children get school hols in July and I had previously thought of bringing them there for a visit ( as we will not go on our actual family holiday until later in august). Now I am wondering if I can face it, if my mother is as horrible to me should I just not go? but if I do not go, I will hardly see my relatives, because of living in different countries. But I feel like I would be going to considerable effort and expense, and for what? I am wondering a lot about this because I need to book flightssoon if I am going , otherwise they will become too pricey. Is it worth going to this trouble, to attempt to preserve the relationship/ connection, even if my mother seems to not appreciate it st all?

bigchris Sat 03-Jun-17 20:36:38

That sounds hard

Do any of your family come to you ?

Would It be easier to go but stay somewhere else ? A b&b maybe?

AliTheMinx Sat 03-Jun-17 21:09:33

That's tough. Has she always been like that or is this this first time she's behaved so horribly? Do you keep in touch regularly when you're apart? Could you have a quiet word with DF to see if he can shed any light on it? Xxx

Mummmy2017 Sat 03-Jun-17 21:28:47

if you book, then book your own accommodation, that way you get an escape from the moody thing.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Sat 03-Jun-17 21:31:35

Did you discuss it with her?

Huldra Sat 03-Jun-17 21:32:45

is her behaviour a new thing? Or is it a trait that's getting worse? It could be some kind of attention seeking behaviour from her. When my Mum feels rejected (not usually based on reality) she gets nasty and critical. So when she sees children who have moved abroad she ends up driving them away.

Do you need to rely on your Mum for accomdation? If you have other options you could do the trip but only stay with her for a night or two, then hop between hotels and other family. That's easier if family are spread out, brief visit to parents, night or two somewhere more touristy, few nights with Great Aunt Veronica.

Huldra Sat 03-Jun-17 21:34:41

You could give the reason for not seeing them lods of wanting to show the kids more of the country.

canary1 Mon 05-Jun-17 23:03:47

Many thanks for all your thoughts/ comments, I have been away from computer until this evening so just reading them now.
Huldra that is spot on- it is a trait which has been there for some years but is getting worse. It likely dates back to when I moved countries, there were heated arguments at various points over the years. I have just never seen anything like this recent visit 🙁

We stay in touch by telephone and what's app, but I certainly noticed in the last year that if I do not telephone my parents, it could be quite some time before they would pick up the phone and actually call me.

Maybe the idea of a night or two sounds good, just my youngest is only 1 and is sleep will be chaos if we move to different locations....
but thank you.... I need to think the practicalities through, and suss out from my father what he thinks ( he just backs up whatever she says generally, but has much better social skills, and seems to actually like seeing my children)


KindleBueno Mon 05-Jun-17 23:09:04

Life is far too precious to be wasting it by allowing someone to make you feel like shit. I'd continue with a rare phonecall and book a holiday you and your wee family will love and make beautiful memories at

canary1 Tue 06-Jun-17 23:42:56

Thanks Kindle... I'm doing just that now xx

KC225 Wed 07-Jun-17 00:04:11

How old are they? I know my Mother feels slightly aggrieved that I moved abroad. I hear countless tales of the good deeds of other people's daughters. Although she would never ask me to look after (and she certainly didn't do the same for her mother)I feel it's in the air. Maybe the built up resentment all surfaces when you are facve to face and that is why she behaves the way she does. When I visit my Mother, I feel that's the case. I would welcome an honest conversation about it but I know it would never happen and she would accused me of making it up to cause trouble.

canary1 Sat 10-Jun-17 21:54:48

Hi Kc225 just saw your message now. Sounds so similar... your theory that the resentment builds up and comes out when face to face is really interesting, it might explain it all. Just a shame when being face to face is rare. Sorry you are in the sameish boat as me. Do you still travel there to visit her, despite her behaviour?

Ladydepp Sat 10-Jun-17 22:22:31

I visit my mother once a year. We no longer stay with her and our visits are more enjoyable now. But still after about 3 days she seems fed up with us and always seems to start saying a few nasty things to me. I don't enjoy visiting but I do it out of a sense of duty. Thankfully she lives somewhere that is nice to visit!

I often wish we could see her for much shorter visits more often but unfortunately the once a year trip is all we've got.

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