Mum angry I won't change my name(134 Posts)
My partner and I have been together for nearly six years so inevitably marriage has come up a few times. He has never been that bothered either way about it but knows I would like to and I know he had come round to liking the idea too. I've always said I wouldn't change my name, we have talked about it extensively and he said he didn't care. In fact a few times he said he liked that I felt that strongly about it. He respected it.
The other day we were with my family and I told them this. They seemed surprised but asked a few questions and left it. That night my mum had a few drinks and took my partner aside to talk to him about it and went off on one. Said that it is wrong and is not how it is done and that it won't be a real marriage. That tradition is too important. She said that if I didn't change my name what's the point in marrying at all. That he should object to my decision. She added that my dad was going to have words with him about it.
This has freaked him out. Now he is asking if we should marry at all seeing as he isn't that bothered about it and I don't feel strongly about doing the whole thing in the traditional way either. He isn't saying anything super strongly, just airing his concerns that have been built up by my mother.
AIBU to be furious at my parents about this? Particularly my mum. We have always had a good relationship. And they aren't old fashioned so I'm gobsmacked at their reaction. I am just so so angry that she thought it ok to try and manage and manipulate me in this way. Rather than ask me why I have made that decision and then tell me her feelings on it she has chosen instead to talk to my bf behind my back in an attempt to force me to change my name sneakily. I'm 28 and have done pretty well. I've always been very sensible (possibly even boring) and they have never had a reason to doubt my judgement. Or to question my choices/lifestyle. I feel that as an adult I have earned their respect, even if they still think of me as their kid. Mum's decision to try and influence me this way rather than actually talk to me feels like a bit of a slap in the face.
My mum also told my bf exactly where my wedding is going to be and everything, I haven't heard anything about any of it! All totally decided.
Now my bf and I will talk more about it because we communicate really well. So I'm not worried about him so much. But what do I do? He doesn't want to damage his relationship with his mother in law by me getting mad at her, although he agrees with me that she was being underhanded. He doesn't want to look like a snitch.
But I can't get it out my head to be honest. I'm upset and I can't help it. I'm shocked that something I thought was entirely my decision and of no real consequence to anyone other than me and my partner would anger them so much.
You need to speak to your mum and remind her of the fact that it's your wedding and your name.
You don't need to get mad at her, but you do need to let her know she has done far more to make a potential marriage look ridiculous by expecting him to keep secrets that impact on you than you have by taking the perfectly reasonable step of not changing your name.
She's probably jealous.
Maybe she would have loved to keep her identity/sense of self that goes with it and regrets her decision to not keep her maiden name?
Just go to the registry office one day and get married. Don't tell anyone.
My parents were far older (would be in their 90s if alive) and didn't really get that I hadn't changed my name. My mother was also very big on the correct etiquette for addressing people so after I married I got birthday cards addressed to "Mrs. Hisname HisSurname". Meanwhile my lovely in laws would send us cards adressed to Hisname Hissurname and Hername Pallisers.
I just laughed it off - because it was an etiquette issue for my mum, not a deep dive into the nature of marriage. They knew I was committed to DH, knew we were happy together, never commented on the nature of marriage etc.
Your mother seems way over invested in what is actually quite a trivial choice - I get called by dh's name by most visiting children since I gave his name to them and my mum was often referred to by her maiden name by people who knew her growing up.
She is also over involved in your relationship - talking to your boyfriend about this and over involved in wedding plans. Sit her down, say "love you mum but you need to step back right now from anything to do with my future plans with boyfriend - those are my plans, my life and I won't have you interfering"
I don't understand these threads that pop up all the time about name changing. It's the 21st century, nobody can make you change your name. Tell your mother to mind her own business, end of story. You're not in Victorian times you know even if your mother is. Your partner is wondering whether to get married now?? Isn't that kind of a ridiculous overreaction? I think this thread is to gin up outrage, what a bore!
Nobody cares that you want to keep your name in this day and age, except a handful of idiots like your mother. It's up to you to say "don't ever talk to me or my partner about this again." Pretty easy. Good grief, it's not that big a deal is it? It's not even your partner doing this, it's your own mother, just tell her and go on with your life. There are women in other countries who are not allowed to vote or drive or leave their house with a man's permission. Get on your soapbox about that. What a teeny tiny little issue!! Simply don't change your name. Do you really think you're blazing new trails for feminism by Standing Up for keeping your name in 2017 in a free country? Who's going to stop you? A creepy man in a waistcoat, top hat, and a whip? Please.
Tell your mum to wind her neck in - it's YOUR wedding, not hers by proxy!
You get to decide where, when, who to invite (possibly not her if she doesn't stop bullying you!) AND what to call yourself afterwards.
Bloody interfering woman!
And as for your partner looking like a snitch - well no! He rightly discussed stuff with you that is YOUR BUSINESS - because he's not an underhanded sneaky git like your mum!
If your mum chooses to get in a huff with him over him talking to you, about your business, as a proper partner should, then there's nothing to be done with her. Just tell her that she's not welcome at your wedding unless she sorts her head out and realises exactly what she's doing. HER, not anyone else.
Don't let this silliness from your mum stop you from getting married. If it's the right choice for you as a couple then go for it. High minded ideals about your commitment to one another not needing paperwork or legal status are great at first but when you are considering making a sacrifice of future earning potential that risks extreme poverty in old age for the sake of raising children, marriage can be quite handy.
But, wherever/whenever/however your mum insists you wed, or conduct yourself post-wedding, just make sure you do something different to that. You are a grownup and you are allowed to make your own choices. Your mum is clearly a bit confused on that point. A slightly concerned head-tilt when you remind her may be in order.
I never understand the trauma on these sort of threads.
Just say. " No mum. It's my decision and this time I don't agree with you "
It's not appropriate for your Mum to expect your partner to keep secrets from you.
It's not appropriate for her to try to persuade your bf not to get married to you.
There are lots of good, solid legal reasons to get married. Not one of them has to do with changing your name.
There's no need to yell and shout. Calmly tell your Mum that her behaviour was deeply inappropriate and is in not circumstances to be repeated.
Also calmly tell her that where and when your wedding will be held are not her decision make.
Draw a line in the sand now or she'll be a nightmare come children.
Agree with Plunkette. If I did this with my mother, she'd have a hissy fit btw, which is just more manipulation. It's taken me a long time to learn how to handle her.
Just go to the registry office one day and get married. Don't tell anyone
^^ This, and don't mention any more about it - keep your name too. When she starts asking about when the wedding is, making arrangements etc, you can just say 'DH and I got married months ago'.
Sorry OP, but it sounds like your DM is a loon. Has she held lifelong dreams about being MOB at a big wedding?
IME weddings bring out all sorts of strong opinions you never expected from people. People have very ingrained ideas.
I wanted to be married. It sounds as if the two of you are in a similar sort of "Why?" (him) "Why Not? (you) dynamic
In these circumstances, and with your mum, then I agree the best thing to do is something so far away from the Traditional that no-one has any expectations
The worst thing to do is some half-arsed compromise which pleases no-one
I also agree that you need to calmly state what you plan to do and that, whilst you are not intending to set out to upset anyone, you are not entering into discussion about it. It's your and your DP's decision. It will be hard if it's the first time you've asserted yourself with your parents, but I think now is the very best time. iIt marks real adulthood and partnership with your DP
.... sorry that sounded a bit patronising . I am 20 years older and my wedding brought up similar issues
Identical post going on here (and on and on!) You dont get married in a "Registry" Office, that is for registering LAND and title deeds to property.We had 4 kids 2 mortgages, little money (were middle age, second marriage) wanted quiet wedding just us and kids, told him M (who actually walked out on her kids went off with another man when DH was 7, so not owed any parental rights) went into one, so DH said she had to come, ended up changing venue and reception THREE times, for size and convenience, because she had told so many of OH relatives ( that we did get on with) so got bigger and bigger, wish to God we had just buggered off and done it!
I'm in the Netherlands - we don't change our name on marriage here. In fact, it's not even recognised on legal documents if we try to. So your maiden name is Miss FannyPants, get married to Mr CocksWallop and whilst you can be Mrs CocksWallop on informal non legal documents your passport and driving licence will be Mrs/Ms FannyPants.
So tradition is what you make it. Just sayin'
Your mum is crackers and interfering. You need to start putting your foot down with her; it's your life & wedding, not hers. I have been married 10 years this year. Still have my own name. My mother in law wasn't overly pleased but I made it very clear I wasn't budging! Plus I had the support of my husband to be. Good luck op.
I'd ignore it. Just keep planning your wedding (if you and partner decide to still get married). It sucks that she's reacted like this at a time when most parents would just be happy. If she wants to know why you aren't including her in planning, then be straightforward and honest. But have the wedding you and your partner want. Have the name you want. Invite them along to celebrate. But don't give them the power to dictate.
I had the same from my in-laws but they are much older than my parents and I expected they would have a problem with it. I ignored them as it's not up to them.
I would tell your DM that she has seriously overstepped the mark here. Organise your wedding where you want it to be and ignore her.
Some people have very fixed and strange ideas. I would avoid any further conversations about it, just stop her when she starts up. She hasn't got the right to place her believes on to you as expectations. It's none of her business what you do.
And I find it sad that she wants her future son in law to control what you do. Very sad indeed.
Tell your Mum, in a calm but firm way, everything you said in your 4th paragraph. It is very clear and well expressed.
Do it before your Dad thinks he can also weigh in.
Just tell your Mum how what she did made you feel. If you don't it will fester and gnaw, and she will carry in with this totally outrageous level of interference.
You are not her doll, to play out her wedding fantasies.
No need to shout or insult her, just tell her directly.
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