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Lying bastard fuck face cunt

(30 Posts)
aibu1234 Thu 01-Jun-17 09:48:22

Posting on behalf of a friend...
Backstory as i know this is an influence on my friend ...So My friend A was in a happy relationship for 11 years, married and ended up having to have ivf as her husband couldnt have children. When the baby was 5 months old he left her completely out of the blue (later discovered another woman who has since left him grin )

He has a job where he claims he earns £11,000, we know this is not possible due to what he spends, holidays, gadgets and his own debt he is paying off so subsequently he is paying pittance for his child whilst telling A it is ok as she can afford it.

He doesnt give christmas presents or buy any items for the baby but A still agrees contact on a set day and tries to be agreeable with contact as she wants baby to have a relationship with dad (at one point another day was set in stone too but he just stopped asking for that day)

A works full time in a very demanding job so time with baby is precious (she never wanted relationship to end) she earns a good wage however she wanted to be able to take a step back at some point to be with her child more but now this isnt possible due to having to pay mortgage payments on her own and unless she downsizes (which she is reluctant to do) its not an option.

His job is flexible (basically a jolly) and there is more business on a weekend for what he does but he recently asked for every sunday (so he can take baby to visit people rather than spend time with her forming a bond) which takes my friends time away from her baby as she is only free on weekends, she told him this and he keeps threatening court saying he will get 50/50. He is moving from a rented house to with a friend in the city center near his work and 30 mins away from babys home (is it likey he will get 50/50 with this set up)

She asked him to help more with payments but he has accused her of selling her baby!!!! Thats rich coming from someone who pays more for their daily costa coffee than their baby! she has never stopped him seeing the baby but with everything that has gone on she is struggling to understand how he is being such an awful person, my friend had a baby with him thinking it was for life and they would support and bring up the baby together, how is it fair that he is not supporting her properly.
I think if he was helping to support the baby by buying clothes, christmas presents it would show an olive branch which would then make it easier on my friend as it would seem they are working together. it seems he wants the easy life, living it up, paying pittance and expecting her to cover everything. He told her he could have made her go back to work instead of having her maternity leave but he paid her a bit more then (how generous)

Firstly how is he getting away with saying he earns £11,000 (she knows he used to earn more as paid his tax bill on £19,000 last year)

How likely is 50/50 in this case as she is considering letting him take her to court?
how will he afford court?

aibu1234 Thu 01-Jun-17 10:52:20

bump

ballerinabelle Thu 01-Jun-17 10:54:27

Was his tax bill £19k or does he earn £19k?

Report him to HMRC if you're in the UK

PurpleMinionMummy Thu 01-Jun-17 11:00:36

He'll probably be set up as ltd company and pay himself minimum wage. The rest of the money he will take in dividends. She needs to approach cms and ask them to take into account the dividends when calculating his income and maintenance. They don't do it automatically.

Let him go for 50/50, it's more likely an empty threat when he cba with the child more than one day a wk currently and unlikely to happen when he instigated to drop from two days to one.

ThomasRichard Thu 01-Jun-17 11:05:15

Is she going throug the CMS for maintenance? It's really hard to get your head around a previously loving partner being so callous and horrible after a split. Counselling might help her develop strategies for dealing with him. A session with a solicitor would also help her to get her facts together on her legal position and his.

ferriswheel Thu 01-Jun-17 11:05:16

Can your friend afford a solicitor? I would go and see one and keep myself on the straight and narrow. I'd also seriously consider finding out if taking him to court for more money was an option.

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 01-Jun-17 11:07:18

She needs to separate out the issues.

First, finances. Unfortunately there are many non-resident parents who manage to arrange their pay set-up so that on paper they earn a pittance whilst seemingly living a more champagne lifestyle and they get away with it. Usually by being self employed or setting up a limited company, putting lots of their expenses through the company and paying a small salary. It is a loophole yet to be closed I am afraid. It must be frustrating and bloody annoying to see him spending it up and "getting away" with very low maintenance but unless and until she can prove he is basically committing some type of fraud it is what it is! I had hoped when the CMS (previously CSA) was set up these type of loopholes would be closed. In fact when the courts used to deal with finances judges actually had more discretion because they could call bullshit when faced with men driving their big sports cars, holidaying all over the place but pleading poverty. The CMS system just has a straight box tick exercise.

Secondly, contact. It is possible that the court would order that the Father can have a weekend day or even EOW even though the mother works Mon-Fri. Most people do work Mon-Fri and have to forego time with their child some weekends when the relationships breakdown. It is also reasonable that the father may want to visit people eg. his parents or other family and friends so that they too get to know his child. The resident parent cannot dictate what the non-resident parent does during their time with the child (unless there is an actual danger to the child obviously).

Finally, their relationship. She has to accept their adult relationship as a couple is over. He will not be doing things to help her or as a sharing experience.

Yes he is a tosser if he doesn't want to buy his child Christmas presents etc but she has to accept he will do what he wants and she must just make her child's life as special as she can but on her own. I know it wasn't her plan to have the baby alone but as part of a stable, loving relationship but unfortunately this is no longer the case.

I know she doesn't want to downsize and appreciate it is easier to maintain the status quo than to go back and start over but if the reality is it may be easier in the long term perhaps she should consider this.

Also (not now I realise) at some time in the future she may meet someone else (lovely) who will eventually want to form a family unit with her and the baby and have someone to share the burden. However, in the meantime she should work on the basis it is down to her and one day her child WILL know that the Dad was a waste of space.

aibu1234 Thu 01-Jun-17 11:38:26

Allthebestnamesareused - thankyou its so hard for me to express the hurt she is going through on here but your post was really helpful. Thats the hardest i think, that he was such a nice person when they were together and he is painting her in an awful light.

I imagine he gets paid lots of cash in hand, i now think he hid money whilst they were together too. Not sure if its a limited company but will get her to look into that.

i just hate that he has done this to her, he walked out and now he is taking my friends precious time with her baby away. She never wanted this.

She wants to keep court out of it if she can but ive advised she see a solicitor , he holds going to court over her head as a threat but i dont think the court would view in his favour. ive told her to go to csa to make sure payments are correct too even though hes told her he pays more than he needs to. ive also told her money is not the be all and end all but it would certainly help. she is paying an £800 mortgage on her own now.

She isnt trying to dictate who he sees on his time but he never spends time on his own with baby, its like he asks to see baby for his family, baby comes back and my friend asks what she has had for lunch and he says "we gave her this" He doesnt have a realistic idea of what bringing up a baby is like as hes never alone with her, he also doesnt give her scheduled naps on his time as he has said it means he doesnt see her as long!

i wish i could tell him what i think of him i really do. he needs a few home truths as i feel he thinks he has done nothing wrong still in the whole of the relationship breakdown.

ThomasRichard Thu 01-Jun-17 11:45:39

I found that going through the CMS helped because it meant he made his crap excuses to them rather than to me. Or he didn't, because he knew it wouldn't get him anywhere. It took away his power to hold payments over my head. It's not just about the money, it's very much also about that power and the stress of being messed around.

JoJoSM2 Thu 01-Jun-17 11:49:34

His behaviour towards your friend was below despicable. However, that doesn't mean he doesn't love the baby. Why wouldn't he spend a good chunk of time with his own child? As you noted, he's the infertile one and might feel really blessed to have the baby.

On the money front, if he is being dishonest, he should be reported to ensure he participates fairly in the costs of raising the child.

Also, your friend needs a reality check - perhaps downsizing is the sensible option in her circumstances ( provided she can afford 2 bedrooms). She can't just expect to live in an oversized property + work part time to spend time with the baby if it isn't affordable.

honeyroar Thu 01-Jun-17 11:53:23

Why doesn't she want the courts involved? I would - take away his threats and game playing power and get things set in stone..

TestingTestingWonTooFree Thu 01-Jun-17 11:55:30

If she's not happy with the CMS calculation (because it's wrong, rather than she doesn't like the law) she can appeal to the tribunal.

aibu1234 Thu 01-Jun-17 12:04:45

she works full time , she doesnt want to move baby away from her house as its her home, she has a nice garden and really supportive neighbours. She wont be going part time as financially it isnt viable anymore.

She gets no tax credits due to her earnings.

She took a promotion whilst on maternity leave based on the fact her partner would be able to support her and he agreed then left her up shit creek. She is finding her job extremely demanding as a single parent (it doesnt stop once she is home) ideally she would work in a stress free job but she has no option now as she has to support her and her daughter and stress free jobs do not come with the pay she needs.

They both wanted a baby, they had a great relationship, they always did and it was the next step to have a baby, he couldnt have kids, i dont doubt he wanted her but he surely cant have everything his way??? cheating, leaving , taking a poorly paid job, threatening 50/50, how is it allowed?

he could come work with me for a basic starting pay of twice the amount he earns now with no qualifications!

aibu1234 Thu 01-Jun-17 12:06:13

i will encourage her to go through the csa and speak to a solicitor about it all i think, she definitely needs to take away the threats from him

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Thu 01-Jun-17 12:11:35

She should keep a diary of all the times he doesn't turn up for contact, as well as all the times he does and any arsey texts/threats about going for 50/50.

He won't get 50/50 - he is using that as a stick to keep her under control so she doesn't push on the money. However there's no reason not to give him a weekend day rather than a weekday I'm afraid.

Personally I'd encourage her to see a solicitor. Agree to the Sunday (without sounding flip, some downtime would probably do her good). Get CMS onto him. And encourage her to think about what's in the best interests of the child, not about him 'getting everything his way' (you're her pal and it's totally fine to vent but it won't really help her move forward). She should also double-check she's getting everything she's entitled to.

AnnieAnoniMouse Thu 01-Jun-17 12:12:36

I'm sorry she's hurting so much & I'm sorry you're feeling for your friend too, it's pretty shitty isn't it 🙁💐

You can help her, by helping her to 'toughen up'. She absolutely needs to stop seeing him as the lovely guy she thought he was, he's not - and never was - lovely. She needs to accept that.

CSA/CMS - get them involved & tell them she knows he's earning more/doing cash jobs. Ask if they have any advice as to how she can prove it to them.

Contact - does he have a day in the week she can suggest he has their DD? One week day & every second Saturday or Sunday seems reasonable.

Court - she needs to stop fearing this. There's no way he'd get 50/50. Tell him to go to court if he thinks he'll get a better deal. He won't go to court, that would be far too much effort for this cockwomble.

aibu1234 Thu 01-Jun-17 12:26:22

Thank you Annie and Lonnie,

I dont rile her up when we speak, i am the voice of reason, although initially its hard when he accuses her of "selling her daughter". i tell her money isnt everything and if she gives him the odd weekend he may start offering more help and sending clothes etc.

i will advise a week day (maybe 2) and every other sunday to her, i honestly think she will feel better rather than waiting on him to ask which she is scared of. The problem is that he always pushes for more and shes worried the more she gives the more he will expect.

Oldraver Thu 01-Jun-17 12:28:35

Yes to 50/50 just being a big stick Looks like he cant be arsed to parent her on his day anyway, so no way would he actually want 50/50. If he actually wanted that he would be asking NOW... not just if he doesn't get his own way. Just keep reassuring your friend it is just a threat

RoseTico Thu 01-Jun-17 12:32:03

Downsizing might be the sensible option, then she can work less and see the baby more.

Could he use the argument - I'm not familiar with these things - that the baby spends most of the week in childcare and would be better off with a parent?

Yes, it's nice for children to know their Dads. It's equally not nice for children to watch their mother's turn into human doormats. He hasn't even bought his baby a Christmas present and is dishing out orders to her mother?

Ikillallplants Thu 01-Jun-17 12:46:01

The judge in my divorce said in his judgement that he wished he still could decide maintenance. Exh couldnt work because of a disability so said he couldn't pay maintenance. He delayed the court hearing because he was in venice, then turned up in a designer suit, handmade shoes, bling watch etc with a privately funded barrister. That was 20 years ago and things haven't changed.

Feelingworriednow Thu 01-Jun-17 12:48:04

I was in a similar position where my exH just buggered off leaving me with a 2yo and all the bills. It is shit. I can empathise with the feeling that they get to choose everything in the fallout, how much they pay, when they get visitation rights, presents etc. Part of the pain is dealing with this loss of control.
I was fortunate that a friend had married a family law barrister 😁 And my ExH knew it. I too was VERY reluctant to give up my weekends with my child as I already worked such long hours, I didn't give her a meal any weekdays.
The best advice he gave me was to always show how reasonable you could be, be flexible and adaptable in setting up the arrangements. I didn't want every other weekend and Ex had moved 1.5 hours away, so I suggested every 3rd weekend and one night every week. So you take what he wants and think how could you could tweak it so that it is less awful and gives you something you want. Try and set up a regular arrangement now (even if he doesn't stick to it, but log these times) as if he does ever go to court, he would have to prove why the current arrangement doesn't work rather than you having to prove it does. The courts like the status quo and are often very reluctant to change it if it is seen to have been working previously.
Best of luck, you sound like a lovely friend.

Desperad0 Thu 01-Jun-17 12:50:52

Could she WFH on a sunday pm and have an earlier finish in the week to maximize her time with the baby?

aibu1234 Thu 01-Jun-17 12:52:15

how awful ikill. When my friend works her mum watches baby. She is by all accounts amazing with her and baby is well looked after, his job he leaves the house at 5am so baby would be woke up early and shipped off , he doesnt do much in the day apart from drink coffee and socialise then works late into the evening. Im sure he would have his mum do childcare in his time but why threaten 50/50 when you wont be there most of the time. i'm sure he thinks my friend gets loads of time with baby but she doesnt as after work its tea and bed then in the morning its straight out the door.

Ikillallplants Thu 01-Jun-17 23:45:01

It's the threat that gets the biggest reaction, that's why they do it. They don't actually want the kids half the time, wiping snot over their clothes and getting in the way of their new love life. They want to hit the mum where it hurts.

Chloe84 Fri 02-Jun-17 00:04:11

Another vote for the CMS. You say your friend would feel better if he helped by buying clothes and christmas presents, but I think that regular child maintenance is a much better position. Presents for the baby is not lilely to be very helpful.

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