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To be heartbroken

(86 Posts)
WelshMum78 Wed 31-May-17 21:16:33

DP and I have a 7 month old DD. Before I got pregnant we spoke about having 2 children....he already has 3 from a previous marriage. It was a big discussion because I knew it was a big decision for him as that would mean 5 kids. Anyway he agreed and seemingly not under duress....I'm not that sort of person.

Fast forward to now...I do 90% of baby related stuff. He does a bit of the fun stuff, but he works very long hours and I don't work, so this is not a problem. I love spending all my time with DD!

Now he doesn't want another baby. I'm 38. I waited all my life to meet the right person to have a baby with and as long as I'm able to, that was always going to be 2 babies. I'm heartbroken. I adore DD and I want her to have a sibling. I was an only child and hated it and her youngest step sibling is 9.

I know that I am blessed with DD (had 2 previous miscarriages) but I feel completely cheated that he went along with what I wanted and has now changed his mind.

PovertyJetset Wed 31-May-17 21:18:44

I feel for you, I really do but what are your options really?

Having a baby or not has to be a unanimous decision either way. So as much as it might hurt now you can't force it.

Underthemoonlight Wed 31-May-17 21:24:25

TBH he sounds very sensible he already is 4dc and he has a finicial responsibility to all his DC. Surely you class his DC as your child's siblings so she's not an only child.

redcaryellowcar Wed 31-May-17 21:31:00

Four or even five children is a huge financial commitment. It's sad, for you and as you say dd, but probably a very 'head' decision rather than a heart one?

Instasista Wed 31-May-17 21:32:50

I think it's common to say no more when the baby you have is so young because it's so hard with newborns. People often change their mind

BandeauSally Wed 31-May-17 21:33:49

He has 4 children he does very little parenting of. Who would benefit from him creating more?

bigchris Wed 31-May-17 21:36:00

She'll have a big family and she's not an only child

flumpybear Wed 31-May-17 21:37:36

Communication!!! Talk talk talk!! Tell him how you feel, if you cN afford it then try to make him see your point of view

yorkshapudding Wed 31-May-17 21:37:55

What are his reasons for not wanting another?

phoenixtherabbit Wed 31-May-17 21:38:34

She might not be an only child but she's going to have bugger all in common with kids 9 and more years older than her so I do see where you're coming from op.

It's not fair that you obviously both considered this and talked about it for them to disregard that completely and change his mind.

My ds has a half brother but he's 12 years older than him so he practically is an only child really it's not like he's got a sibling to play with etc. They will probably be closer when older and the gap seems insignificant but as children I do understand

PeaFaceMcgee Wed 31-May-17 21:40:17

Do you think he lied to you when you had the 'big talk' and agreed to have two?

I disagree with pp saying four is enough for him - he shouldn't have said he'd have a couple with OP then, should he??!

Yanbu to be heartbroken OP - it's awful that he either mislead you, or just so sad if he's simply changed his mind flowers

Btw - there are many happy solo children. I find them largely more outgoing and confident, on average. Not sure that will help just now though.

TheHiphopopotamus Wed 31-May-17 21:44:55

youngest step sibling is 9

Half sibling, actually. She won't 'not have any siblings', she's already got three. I think your DP sounds quite sensible.

Aside from that, people change their minds, annoying as it must be for you. If he really means it, your only choices are accepting it or leaving him to find someone else.

TheHiphopopotamus Wed 31-May-17 21:47:18

Btw, I wanted 4 and so did DH. I changed my mind after the 2nd, he wanted to keep going. Things and circumstances change. We stuck at 2.

BlondeB83 Wed 31-May-17 21:47:54

She has 3 siblings. His not wanting another trumps you wanting one I'm afraid although I do understand why you are upset.

harderandharder2breathe Wed 31-May-17 21:49:22

The thing is, the partner who doesn't want another baby should always trump the one who does, because a child should be wanted by both its parents.

All you can do is talk to him, about why he doesn't want another child and why you do, and try to change his mind.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 31-May-17 21:52:46

Op the baby stage is still here and now. Far too soon to mention it!! Once dd is sleeping through, not so - all - time consuming then chat again. .
Maybe ask him if he will rethink in a years time. The answer may well be different.

Wholovesorangesoda Wed 31-May-17 21:57:26

That must be really upsetting, I would definitely feel the same. I do echo others in that dd is still tiny so he may come round with time and communication. I hope so, pretty crappy situation really

GaynorGoodwin Wed 31-May-17 21:58:25

This is a difficult one as I feel for you yet understand both points of view. I guess the only thing you can do is hope he changes his mind as having another is something you really want.

WelshMum78 Wed 31-May-17 21:58:49

I don't want people to think I'm disregarding the DSCs. I love them to bits, they love DD, but as someone said, she will effectively be an only child given the age gap and the fact that they don't live with us.

DD is generally an angel but I do get tired because I'm with her 24/7. He said today that he'll be glad in a year when 'our lives get back to normal!' His life is pretty much the same as before DD came along. He goes out with his friends the same amount as before which is rarely, he still works 10 hour days, self-employed and successful, he doesn't have his sleep disturbed and before DD we only really went on family holidays with the DSC. Everything is the same for him except we have this amazing creation with us.

I don't understand what life he wants back!

pictish Wed 31-May-17 22:00:06

I can understand why you feel so cheated and sad about this. The thing is, he has good reasons for not wanting another child and he is also allowed to change his mind.
Sadly the no-more-children camp has to prevail because the alternative is unthinkable. Nothing good would come of going ahead and having one anyway.

frozenfairy123 Wed 31-May-17 22:09:18

Ah honey I know how u feel and a few years ago this was me. Always wanted 2, felt incomplete and utterly depressed at suddenly being told that dh had changed his mind. He was adamant! I finally managed to change his mind but it took time. Luckily I had an accident after we had agreed we would have another but weren't yet trying, as I think he may have changed his mind again but now we have dc2 it's just the best. Dh really enjoys their relationship and the family feel. So don't give up hope but keep talking xxx

frozenfairy123 Wed 31-May-17 22:11:24

Btw I don't believe someone not wanting a child should always trump the person that does. Sometimes men don't know what they want till it's in front of them and having children is a much scarier prospect for them. X

NightWanderer Wed 31-May-17 22:12:39

It sounds like he wants you back to normal. Looking after him. To be honest, he doesn't sound great. He sounds selfish and lazy to me.

Babyroobs Wed 31-May-17 22:22:38

Perhaps he's stressed by the thought of the financial burden of 5 kids which actually is huge!! Have you offered to go out to work too to help with the cost?

WinnieFosterTether Wed 31-May-17 22:24:22

YANBU to be heartbroken. Think carefully about how heartbroken you are and whether you can come to terms with this (especially since you feel you both agreed something different). I have a relative who left her DH when he suddenly decided he didn't want more than one child. I think it threw up all the ways they weren't compatible and eroded their trust. She met and married someone else and went on to have more DCs.
When I found myself in the same situation, I initially decided to stay but tbh it was the wrong choice. I didn't come to terms with it and I resented my DP making an unilateral decision to change the future we had planned. I'm not saying you will resent your DH but don't sweep this under the carpet. Deal honestly with all the issues it throws up so it doesn't become an underlying issue in your marriage.

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